What to Do Now?

ok, so... this is the first night after finishing my classes (finally completed school) and i don't really know what to do with myself.  Those of you who've known me for a while know that i've been taking classes off and on for forever.  Then for 6 years i was busy living a slaves life. 
Most recently i've been taking classes full time for about the last 2 years and now that i'm done, i honestly don't know what to do with my time. 

i've contemplated getting my Masters, as now would probably be the time to do it since i'm still currently living on my own.  i'm not so sure i am ready to add to my current school loan though, that would basically double what i owe now.  i am not ruling it out because i'd like to teach at the college level one day, so i'm still considering it, just maybe not right away.

So, what are 46 year old women doing in the evening these days?  Hmmm...they are mostly done raising kids at this point?  Or, they may still have a kid or two in school, so helping them with homework?  Maybe grading papers after a long day of teaching?  Scrapbooking photos of their past memories?  i don't think i can settle into a routine of "Dancing with the Stars" and "American Idol". 

So i think i need to start a list of what i could be doing right now besides writing in this blog...let's see

1. Start that children's story i've been going to write forever?
2. Revisit the world of art and see if i still have any talent?
3. Learn to play the mandolin?
4. Get physically fit?
5. Learn to cook incredible vegetarian meals for my Sir?
6. Pull out my carving tools?
7. ...

i think i'm going to have to come up with a better list....

The Conversation

So yesterday before Daddy left, W/we had some time to just relax and just talk.  It seems like time goes so fast when W/we are together.  Most of O/our time is spent talking on the phone.  Though our phone conversations are always incredible, and W/we are always on the same page, last night's in person conversation brought an even more intimate connection that was incredible to feel. 

Being able to see Daddy's face, to be able to touch Him as W/we talked, wiped away those doubts i've had.  i don't think i realized until yesterday how much i read a person's eyes and body language. 

He called me later on His way home and W/we talked for a couple more hours.  It was good to have that time too, kind of as a follow up to our earlier conversation and day.  Having had a few moments to reflect on our time together, W/we were able to review and comment on how things had gone. 

Every time W/we are together i learn something new.  Yesterday i learned the most important thing yet, that i do trust Him, and not only do i trust Him, but i also believe in Him, and i know now that i'm ready to offer Him all it takes to truly be His. 

i can't promise all of my fears are gone, it's hard to completely remove "scars" that were so deeply etched, however the way i feel about those scars is like this....they were scars that i willingly subjected myself to.  It isn't anyones responsiblity to heal them but my own, and i will.  That Daddy has been patient in waiting and understanding my needs, makes me feel all the more confident that they will easily be washed away. 

Trust is one of the most important aspects of a D/s relationship, a Daddy/lil girl must have trust because without it, they can not develop that special bond that exists in that type of relationship.  A Master/slave must have trust because without it, they can't truly believe in one anothers commitment to that symbiotic relationship which they need to thrive.

Trust isn't born over night, but it does grow with time and tending.  i only hope that Daddy continues to see in me all of the special things that He's been drawn to...i know that i'm coming to see in Him, my future... <3

Falling Big Time...

So today Daddy drove up to see me this morning despite all the hassle and driving that He did yesterday.  All the hassle was what ultimately didn't allow us to spend the entire weekend together.  But today He was already on the road when He called to tell me He was on His way.  He is so going out of His way to take on the greater inconvenience of driving to see me, rather than making me come to see Him...

Each time W/we are together it's more comfortable, more natural and harder to let go when the time comes to say goodbye. 

We spent our time doing some exploring the area, even despite the yucky weather.  We then came back to the house and just lounged around for a while, talked and snuggled. 

Yes, I managed to get myself in trouble several times, once for eye rolling, once for being a smart ass and once for not believing something Daddy told me.  It only earned me a few swats, nothing major...and no anger or frustration.  He just explained what i did wrong, and well, yes, He did show some disbelief, but He recognized that it wasn't me trying to be obnoxious, rather i am in need of some training.  i am not sure if He recognizes the importance His reaction to stuff like that is to me, though thinking about it, i am guessing He prolly does.  He in no way made me feel stupid or like i was a failure in His eyes.  It felt right to be told how and why...to know that there are consequences...and yes i did also lose a sexual privledge that i'm pretty certain would have earned even more reward but, it i know i deserved it.

i don't know how long it's been since i've enjoyed being around someone so much.  Today, i spent some time at His feet also.  It felt so right.  LOL, holding my teddy bear, and snuggled up against Him, i'm not sure if He noticed i slipped my thumb in my mouth a time or two...it would be so easy to get lost in lil head space with Him...i am waiting for the time to be right, but i know it's coming.

i am feeling so blessed right now.  What an incredible person, Man, Master, Daddy...i think the wall of protection is defintely being breached.

trust

So, Daddy and i seem to be having the hardest time with meshing our lives together.  One thing after another seems to happen, preventing us from spending the night together.  Tonight we were supposed to be camping but the fates seem to be playing games with our time.

Now i am about the most suspicious person there is.  So believe me, there are red flags and sirens going off like crazy.  In extreme moments of doubt, i think of closing the door.  i don't need a broken heart again. Yet there's something there...i can't walk away from...

If He was playing me, His motives would seem way out of proportion to His gains.  His game is too elaborate...too over the top.  No one would go to such lengths for a pretend relationship that's so distant.  Right?

Yet, i remember how it feels to be told by someone you've placed your faith in, "I have something to confess."

What i think is going on...is a test.  Not Daddy testing me or me testing Him...but fate testing my trust.  My trust has been damaged so deeply, i think this is fates way of saying "you will trust, it's right, it's who You are...it's how it should be, and if you don't, you'll lose in the extreme.

So, i trust, albeit hesitantly, but i trust, knowing the result will be the grandest prize of all.

i think most important at this point is that we spend the night together, i think tomorrow night will find me in Daddy's apartment......held in His arms...

puts the bottle of wine away and goes to bed....

slave

So, it's funny how some words make you feel, or how some words can hold you spell bound. 
i identify as a little girl in the bdsm/fetish world.  No matter my current relationship status.  Whether i am alone or under consideration or owned, i am always a little girl, this never changes.
i also identify as a submissive, i'm basically submissive 24/7 even in the vanilla world.  i might have to take the lead on many things but my submissive personality is always there.  Leadership skills are learned and i can take a group and lead them though my style might be different from the more dominant person, as a leader i usually gain the respect of my group.
i identify with one more role, but only when someone creates the opportunity for me to be in this role.  i am slave.  i am slave to One.  i am slave to Him because He allows me to be.  Being slave means many things and is often a challenging role, but it's a role that comes from one's heart.  It comes from desire and the need and longing to do everything humanly possible to please One...

Daddy's Visit

LOL at the Prince Charming quote above, i don't really believe in fairytales like i once may have, and i'm sure the quote is meant for other purposes, but the sentiment is exactly how i feel.  A very special person has entered my life and it almost feels like it could be a fairytale.  It's early yet i know but He truely has become very special very quickly, without the redflags that so often show up.  Oh sure, there are still questions here and there.  And i really did worry that He might not show up at all today, (that job of His is beyond normal expectations of most jobs) but He did come and the way He strolled into my yard and into the house, like He belonged here.... i couldn't help but smile :-)

So Daddy did come to my house today.  We chatted and snuggled and did stuff on my computer (notice my profile updates on fetlife) and explored the camper van and then He got a call from work saying they needed Him so, we fucked and ate veggie burgers and chatted some more, but then He had to go, although from there i talked Him pretty much all the way to His work (a 2 hour + drive).  i have to admit i was disapointed that we didn't get to spend our first night together, but like i told Him, the fact that He is dedicated to His job is actually a turn on to me....yes, it's also a big pain in our ass, but i'd rather him say "yes I'll be there" when He gets called into work, than hear Him say "fuck that job" and just blow it off.  It tells me that when He is committed to something, He is committed, no matter what the distractions are.

There are so many things about Him that i am attracted to.  i honestly think about this topic a lot.  i think today was the first time that i was able to really put the "on the phone person" with the "in person person."  While of course i've know they are the same person, the two situations just had a little different feel or tone to them but today i felt them come together so to speak.

His presence has a very Dominating quality.  Yet His conversations are light, not silly light, but easy going light.  Yet i can see where the Dom surfaces in an second when He feels something needs addressed.  He also laughs a lot, i love that...and i so appreciated that at one point He warned me that what He was about to say was serious and not time for me to joke.  He expressed His appreciation of me or of things i'd done many times throughout the afternoon.  i only just now realize that i probably need to put into words more those things that i find so pleasing, rather than just typing them here. 

If feels well matched, He's so smart, and He's definitely HOT, and He smiles in the appropriate spots when i'm talking.  i love listening to Him explain things, like His job...listening as He explains things i don't understand with patience and sincererity... such a Daddy Dom trait...i think i've been bit <3

For Daddy

Love this song and the video with it. For You Daddy!

Paperweight - Joshua Radin feat. Schuyler Fisk (Lyrics)

Ludovico Einaudi - Bella Notte

When i come to You...

Please understand when i come to You…

i may seem to be a woman lighthearted, full of passion and hope,

eager to please You, eager to love You, eager to complete You…

but as You close your eyes and feel my hand slip slowly into Yours

… You’ll feel my overwhelming longing and desire to belong to You,

to be cared for by You, to be nurtured and cherished as the little girl never felt.

Vulnerable, exposed, fragile, sensitive, longing to somehow find completion in belonging to You…

Yummy!

Mmmm...can't wait!

Hoping Daddy gets to take the time off and doesn't have to work!

Going Camping!

On Daddy's next weekend off He is taking me camping!  i am so excited!  It's been a long time since i've gone camping.  When i was in my late teens and early twenties, i used to go camping often, and i was a dedicated tent camper.  It usually was minimal camping...infact i remember one camping trip when no one had even thought to bring a jug of water.  We drank a lot of beer that weekend.  Once i even went camping with a fever and not feeling well, but not wanting to be left behind.  It turned out to be one of the best camping weekends ever.... LOL that was when i discovered sex with a slight fever is extra intense! 

Of course the older i've gotten, the more luxuries i've required.   Then a few years ago my parents gave me their older motorhome.  We kept it at a great spot on the river for about 4 summers.  It was always a great time filled with family and friends. 

Now of course it's going to be new experiences camping with Daddy and i can't wait!  Being able to combine spending time with someone special, with spending time in nature, camping is going to be a blast!  Of course there should be opportunity to take some photos as well as maybe convincing Daddy to do a little caching!  All of my favorite things!

Too Good to Be True?

Met Daddy again this afternoon, it feels so good to touch Him.  To be held by Him.  To taste Him.  i can't wait until the time can be longer, though i am thankful for the moments we've had so far.  Daddy has really gone out of His way to make time for us together.  i feel so blessed to have Him taking time to know me. 
I still have the fear that anything this good is too good to be true... i have to remind myself of all He's gone out of His way to do things like:

• Driving to meet me even if only for a few hours on a day He had to work...
• The many phonecalls both morning and night...
• Driving to meet me for an afternoon when i was an hour away for work...
• Stopping to see me after driving to see His brother in Chicago...
• Taking the time to set expectations and rules for me so that i can do my best to please Him...
• Sharing with me the email of a friend who He works with so that i can introduce myself and have a way to contact Him in the case of an emergency while He is at work.
• Sharing His camping site and photos, with photos of family and friends...

So, why do i still have doubts in my head?  Because experience has told me that despite who someone seems to be, they can do a 180 and turn out not to be who they've said they are, or completely disapear altogether.  Do i think these things are going to happen?  No...but i do have to admitt the differences in Him and i are something that really makes me wonder...

So the differences are these so far that i can see:

• Daddy is very fit, and health conscious.  (He hasn't even seen me naked yet...What is He going to think?)
• Daddy is smart, i mean really smart, and accomplished.  (i am just finally finishing my BA at 46 years old, have never lived outside of IL, and have spent my life basically in small town USA at the same job for forever.)
• Daddy is structured, focused and driven.  (i am laid back and in need of structure, easily distracted and too easy going? - though, maybe i'm not those things so much anymore?)

He excells at so many of the things i struggle with. 

but....

Maybe that's how it's supposed to work?  Maybe His strengths will compliment my weaknesses and vice versa (not that He has any weaknesses that i've found.) 

Fear

I had the nicest afternoon/early evening with Master T / Daddy.  It was so much fun being together in person and watching His face, i swear the Man has the thickest longest eyelashes ever.  He had to get back to work again after we ate,  He'd switched some time with a co-worker just to come see me for a couple hours, and because He was running late when He left, He asked me to email His work with my phone to let them know.  I was also to take the opportunity to introduce myself to His co-worker/lifestyle aware friend in the email. Well i typed the email up on my phone and sent it.  But i didn't write the email down and now 6 hours later, i'm really worried after viewing the email address again that i sent it to yahoo and it was supposed to go to hotmail. 

i feel sick about it...and while part of me thinks that He prolly wouldn't quite trust me with anything that incredibly important yet, He did give me an assignment and i screwed it up.

And that makes me think...

What if i keep screwing up...omgosh He's already quickly becoming so important to me...which i long for....but...what if....(there is always a "but" and a "what if" isn't there?)...He gets tired of me screwing up?  That thought literally makes me cry already.  i mean dang...i don't know if i could live though so much pain again...D/s connections is so intense...and if i let myself feel it again....it means there is the possibility i could get hurt again....

The thing is though...i want it so bad....Him so bad....i want Him to want me............i don't think i really even have a choice... funny, it was so easy before in my past relationship....but back then i didn't understand what the gift really was.....and now that i do....now that i know how precious and earth shattering this type of relationship can be...i want more than anything to keep it safe and protected...and not make stupid mistakes!