Go to sleep little bear

I was chasing clouds on my way home tonight.  I kept driving around trying to find the right place to take the picture, but there were either wires or transformers or a line of trees or too many cars to stop there....And by the time i finally found a couple of spots to stop...I'd really had already missed the best photos opportunities.  "I'm a day late and a dollar short" my parents would always say about me ...

 

I kind of feel that way about my life sometimes too.  I'm driving and looking and trying to find the best vantage point and in the mean time I've missed the whole parade...

 

What's happened to me lately, things were feeling so "sorted" but i look sideways at a Dominant man and i loose myself all over again.

 

It feels like nothing has changed with my level of confidence as a slave...i still feel like every other slave has it all figured out and I'm still trying to understand...

I'm 51 years old for gosh sakes...and I've served...

Maybe it takes being in a healthy relationship to feel that way?  Maybe then the doubt goes away...

 

Maybe it's time for bed...

Happy Birthday - 2016

 

Today is my birthday.

Today I turned 51 years old.  It's been a quiet day.  Originally J and I were going to spend the day together, so I took it off of work, but then his work schedule changed.  Instead of going in to work, I decided to just have a day to do nothing.  Nothing is hard to do sometimes so I have gotten laundry done, paid bills, did some planning for the rest of the month and watched about 7 episodes of Ray Donovan Season 2.

I also got a text from J around noon.  He had some exciting news.  Today he made his final decision to purchase, not one, but 2 plots of land on the side of a mountain in North Carolina.  It's pretty much a done deal.  He has a bit of an "in" with the land owner and got what seems like a decent reduced price.

I have a lot of mixed emotions, I'm super happy for him, this is his dream and he's moving forward!  I know that it's what he's talked about for the entire time I've known him.  Because of him, I've fallen in love with the mountains as well and totally love the idea of living there. He's left it very open for me to join him.  and I would love nothing more than to plan the rest of my life with him.

I almost can't imagine living in such a beautiful place, the Blue Ridge Mountains have a way of calling to you.  Our last road trip took me to Florida and I think I got to see the best of what Florida has to offer, I loved it, we had so much fun...but there is something about the sight of a misty blue mountain that tugs at my heart...

LOL, but life is never that uncomplicated, at least not for me. 

There are things that make it difficult for me.

• J and I have a lot of history, some of it the best time of my life, I wouldn't trade our friendship and love for one another for anything or any one. - however, when our D/lg relationship came to an end, I had to build a new life for myself.  It was hard.  What helped me get through it was my job, my friends/family, the comfort and security of everything that is familiar.  IF I needed to start over there, how would I do it?  Even with the network of friends I had then, it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life.
• Financially, I have several things to consider,
• I did get some good news about my student loan debt this week, and it's possible that I'll have that paid off within the next 8 or less years. 
• Another concern is that while financially it helps to live with someone and share the costs,  if for some reason it doesn't work out, you can't take with you anything you may have invested.  Financially I don't know if I could start over again, possibly with a job that pays less, and in a place with less support. 
• I've had a very easy road, work wise the last 24 years.  I've always loved where I work, the people and what I do.  Still, things have changed there, the people have changed.  I'm still passionate but, I can see myself leaving one day.  The hardest part of that is, I will be leaving "family."  and kind of all I've ever known.
• Of course I think J and I are both committed to one another, there is still that unknown element.  Could he take another girl, one he falls head over heels in love with?  Where would that leave me in his life?  I know we are bonded up, but there are things that don't exist in our relationship that each of us still longs for.

I know that there are never any certainties in life, I'm certainly experienced enough to know that things can change and not always for the better, very quickly.  I also know, if you're too afraid to go after what you want, you are probably never going to have it.

So, that's been my birthday, lots of contemplating and trying to find out where I belong in all of these "Mountain" plans...

Father's Day - 2015

Feeding my Mom and Dad's squirrel friends.  They always have a couple of peanut butter crackers waiting by the back door for when one of these guys comes begging.

Took Mom and Dad to lunch today...at 90 years old they are certainly entertaining, which is a lot of fun.  I paid for lunch and the bill was about $35.  Oh my goodness, they were totally freaked out that we'd spent so much on one meal.

I was able to get several videos of them today, a couple are of my Dad singing.  Despite, or because of the Alzheimers, my Dad is totally enthralled with my smartphone, especially the camera.  He loves being video taped and watching it back.  it's a lot of fun playing around with him.  I know time is ticking, one day he'll be lost to us, but I did make the most of today with him. 

Love you Dad!

Continuing Vanilla

Tonight we set the plans. He wanted to pick me up at my house, He says how it's kind of insulting that I don't trust him enough to come to my home and drive me to the movie and dinner. But, he listened to my concerns...

He didn't understand that the last man I let into my home took me without my consent on my living room floor. I am submissive, I had allowed it somehow by inviting that man into my home. I am submissive, I am well aware of the unwritten codes between dominant men and submissive women. I am submissive, I thought I had managed in my head to make it "ok".

He didn't understand that more than once a man has taken me in his car without my consent. I was very young and very stupid, and I kind of didn't want to say "no" it was exciting. I was eager and naïve, I fell for his reason that he wanted to go for a drive by his friend's house. I was lonely and really hoping he was the one, I thought that if I pleased him it would increase our chances of it working.

What I didn't plan or even know myself is that in the last few years I've grown very fearful, but I've also gained a voice. It doesn't make me less wanting to please, it doesn't make me less submissive, it doesn't make me less desirable. It actually makes me more confident that I know what I want, and that I won't have sacrificed my own convictions. Right or wrong, it's who I need to be.

We communicated and he understood. He will meet me at the movie theatre. I know He is making a great effort to meet me at my level of comfort. I know it isn't necessarily making Him happy....but He says He sees so much possibility that he is willing to not "win" this one.

I love a good Dominate Man.....one that recognizes that even though He might want something a certain way, there are times that it's important to give, in order to have......

Some Vanilla He Turned Out to Be

You're so fun and I'm so enjoying talking to you. I don't want to hang up when it get's late...I can't wait until Saturday when we finally meet, going to see a movie, having dinner...safe, neutral things as promised.

We've already established that while we met on a "vanilla" site, you are no stranger to bdsm.  You seem to understand my kink, what little we have talked about it.  But I was not telling you all of my kinks.  Oh, I wanted to, but a diaper fetish and  wanting to call you Daddy, those things are not even always understood by people on Fetlife, let alone someone one met in POF.

We have our first date planned for Saturday, I'm hoping it goes well.  You say I'm very protective of myself, more so than any woman you've met.
You've wondered about it, but you understand, You're being careful.  You say things like "I normally go after and get what I want like a bull in a china shop."  but You recognize that I might explode if you move to fast.  You're giving me time, the space I need, you recognize that you could trigger my emergency button and everything would be lost.

I told you days ago that You weren't ready for "all of it"  That when the time was right I'd tell you about "it" but that I didn't want to scare you....
I wanted to tell you that I already felt compelled to call you "Daddy".  I wanted to tell you that my deepest darkest secret was that I get off on being diapered.  But I didn't want to jeopardize what we've started to build.

Tonight I had to tell you it all, even if it meant you ran.  I needed to let you know that my kink might just be too much for you. so much so, that you'd want to run away.
I started to tell you, oh, you had guesses, but nothing like what I was about to tell you.  I wished we'd been together and I could have shown you things online so you wouldn't get "icky" pictures in your head.  It was really hard to share it because I really, really like you and didn't want to chase you away.

I said, "I'm a 'little,'" and I asked you if you knew what that meant?  You did know, you even knew that it included diapers (you, Sir, are definitely not your average vanilla...) and you said to me, "You need what you need and I want to give you that."  Before we hung up You reminded me that you are still looking forward to Saturday, and that you would talk to me tomorrow night....
Too good to be true?

Random Guy

Randomly you appeared in my search list, just another local guy on a vanilla site.

I hardly ever look at local guys, the chance of someone local that fits with me, just seems so slim. But, I read your profile, nice looking man, several same interests, why not I thought, and I hit that little button, the one that doesn’t require you to type anything. He’ll know I’m interested I thought, but not much effort went into it, after all, hunting feels so useless, I'm not sure how much effort I really want to exert on something that seems so improbable.

A day or so went by…I’d almost forgotten you. But, you messaged me back "Hey there to you" you responded (apparently my "why not" button says "hey you".) I was busy that day though, I didn’t see your response. You came back later that same day, before I could respond, you wrote another note, "Jen, checked out your profile just now and noticed a trend. You don't let any grass grow under your feet do you? When I read your messages, I noticed several things, first I noticed that you’d come back a second time, I noticed that you’d noticed me, I noticed that you’d made an effort, as much as one can make maybe on a site like that, you'd also studied my photos and thought about who I was, and you'd managed to make me laugh. We’ve been communicating ever since. At first you were just "this guy", but you’ve been slowly showing me who you are and I find myself more and more intrigued. In fact you haven’t left my thoughts all day.

I’m scared, you’re definitely not who I expected to enter my life, but there is something so familiar, so intriguing, so comfortable. I already trust you too much...It’s dream like, it’s shocking at times, and so often when you’re talking, I’m smiling and nodding.

More than once I've jumped to quick, I am definitely being cautious this time, but I can't help be a little bit hopeful :-)

Fall Walk

 

The Cherry On Top

So lately I've been visiting online places outside of the whole BDSM and ab/dl world.  I feel like I'm all caught up in something that I'm not living, and having been away so long, I don't even know if  I want to live it anymore.  It's hard to imagine a relationship that isn't D/s or M/s or D/lg, but, then again I've been living without it for such a long time now...it's making me question who or what I want in a relationship.

I can tell you from my experience though, D/s people are much more honest, more real, more confident in the relationships.  I was talking on a meeting site to someone local and it was going pretty well for a few days, nice normal vanilla conversation, we hadn't delved into anything too deep yet, but everything did seem to be leading to a first meet.  But then he noted some kinky stuff in my profile question answers (which by the way do not match up with his own) and despite the several messages discouraging his awkward advances, and explaining to him about where I'm coming from -- he's all caught up in the "sexual" stuff now.  His second to last email said "I want to taste you"  I didn't respond....His last email said "I don't want to scare you away."..............................Ha!

While I'm absolutely looking forward to sex with someone other than my hitachi....I'm not easy, fast or cheap.  The vanilla dudes seem to interpret "varied sexual interests" or "enjoys someone else taking charge" as a girl, who after a perfunctory email or two, can't get on their knees fast enough to be their cock sucking cum slut. 

Maybe I am old fashioned, but that's not what I want anymore.  I want a relationship that's about life, and I'll say it again....sex is not how to live and love in a relationship, sex is just the cherry on top!

slavitude.....i continue to believe

Generally I don't cross post anything I've written in other places
, but something made me want to write tonight in my Fetlife journal and when it was done, it seemed appropriate to post it here too, so.....my apologies to anyone who actually might read my thoughts in both places....

My heart has this incredible capacity for forgiveness.  It's not something that happens in every situation, but for the right person, my heart seems to have an eraser that wipes clean every speck of hurt or torment that gets thrown at it.   Maybe that's how things are supposed to work actually... and it probably isn't even a unique trait in most submissives.

i don't know if it's a good trait or not.  In the past it's allowed me to find myself in difficult and quite possibly not the healthiest of relationships. 

But, I do believe that there can be a healthy in the right D/s relationship.  It's probably like any relationship, it just takes the right combination or compatibility for the D and s to become what i imagine a D/s relationship can be.

I thought i was there in the past.  I would like to think i can be there one day in the future.
i have learned most importantly that i am who i am, i can't be anyone else.  i might admire someone for what they are able to offer or strive to be more of this or that, but ultimately.....i am me and I'm going to have to work with who i am...and hopefully who i am will be compatible with Someone else's who they are.... :-)

Hiking!

 Just got back about a week ago from hiking in Northern Wisconsin and the UP.  Had a great time, it was so beautiful!  It was also my first real snow hiking, which I actually enjoyed.  I can't wait till next trip!

Trying too hard? or not hard Enough?

Back in July 2013, I wrote:

 

I'm one of those goofy people that seems to leave a wake of catastrophe behind her, more like Lucy Ricardo than June Cleaver?  Thinking back, I guess Lucy failed in her relationships too.....I wonder if June kept Ward happy for the rest of His life?...moving on. 

 

I've thought about this a lot.  I know that both Lucy and June were characters on tv programs but there is so much reality in the words I wrote.

At work, I'm good at what I do, professional, knowledgeable, capable, on top of my game, successful, but, I'm also goofy, forgetful, and far from perfect.  I think the things that make me successful aren't necessarily my knowledge and skill but rather, it's my attitude and ability to bring people to my side.  I can get people to do things that they didn't think they wanted to do....it's the spin I put on life...I also am dedicated...I don't give up, I keep trying and working until I get the job done and I'm kind and considerate, I'm friendly and giving and I like to laugh.

Now those aren't bad qualities...but they aren't necessarily the qualities the men I've been involved with are looking for. 

While I'm as submissive as a girl can come in some ways...more than one Dominant Man has said I'm guilty of trying to hard.  I've struggled to understand what this means, but then I began thinking of Lucy Ricardo...how her antics usually involved trying to do something positive, but somehow, someway, each of her projects went astray and created more chaos then had she not done anything at all and I began to see the connection.

 

Lucy always meant well, and I don't know what it was but she always made a mess of things....

 

That's kind of how I am.  If I'm sent to the store to buy the one specific thing He needs, I'll end up buying 10 incredible things he loves, but I'll forget the one thing I was sent for.   That might be a little bit of an exaggeration, but it's not too far off...  I'll be all proud of myself for doing something to make him happy but instead I've done something to make him mad.

I try not to make these kind of mistakes over and over....I try to understand why He can't be happy when I accomplished 20 of the tasks He expected of me and He's mad because I forgot about that one extra thing I didn't do.

And when after making so much effort to meet his expectations He isn't happy,  but says things like "He's so pissed off" I try not to feel sad but to find a way to not make the same mistake next time.

In my profile on fetlife I describe myself as

slave, fucked up little girl, kinky, devoted, committed
(Just to clarify...I don't need fixing or restructured or broken down to be rebuilt...i've spent a life time building the person I am now...I've learned to be independent, capable and confidant in my life and i am very happy to be the person i've described, it's who i am and it's who i hope can one day please someone enough, so much that they don't focus on what i lack, rather they are able to be pleased by what i offer.)

I am who I am, I am successful, capable, confident and happy....and while I love Him, I don't love feeling bad about myself ... I want to be His love and companion, to hear how I make Him happy.....not His frustration, always filled with  anxiety, always questioning myself and just waiting to hear what I've done wrong....

I would love if He suddenly could accept me for who I am.  I know that there are times he loves who I am....I wish He could weigh His life with me vs without me and find me such a valuable part of His life that He could overlook what He sees as my flaws....but that doesn't seem to be the case...

An End to 2013

New Years Eve.  A time for thinking over the past year, assessing, wondering if I'm going the direction I should be going?  Being true to myself?  Giving all I can?

For over a year now I've left "casual" behind and have only invested in what I know to be possibility.  Every day I wonder, and pray that I'm making the right decisions, choices.... and I set my mind to doing everything I know to do to make it go right...

For a while I've wanted to write about how I'm feeling.....but my brain has felt clogged, filled with too many feelings, fears, overwhelming emotions to even get it written down.

But, I am going to try and say what I need to say now...

In my entire life, I've given the most I've ever had to give to one person.  Since we met You've never left my head for even one day for 10 solid years.  When we separated I struggled to forget You.  I tried to replace You, I spent so much effort in trying to flood my brain with anything but You, yet like a tree that's planted it's roots deep in my soul, I can't seem to remove You.

Somehow we have become involved again, yet this time we don't seem to have a direction.  Once I would have pleaded to make it what it once was....but what once was just didn't work...so it needs to be something else....what that something else is?  Neither of us seems to know.

For a while I thought I'd changed, enough so that we could maybe salvage what we had....I've come to realize that while I've grown.  I haven't changed enough...I will always be who I am and infact there was a time when I wanted desperately to make myself change...but now I just kind of know...I am who I am....love me or not....

I can see you have very little patience with me...and it takes very little for me to frustrate or annoy You...it would seem that You are less patient and more frustrated with me than with anyone else in your life...I don't know that's something You could even change....but i do know it's something i can't change

more than anything....even the threat of losing every possibility of being a part of Your life...I want to be loved and accepted for who and what I am....it's just too tiring to try and be someone else...and it hurts to much knowing that I  never am enough.

So, I'm scared as hell to say what I've written here...because as I've said, I've never once in 10 solid years have i stopped loving You, adoring You and hoping for You...but I hold myself in a quiet state of reserve...hoping one day lightening will strike, the earth will shake, God himself would hit You over the head with the knowledge that somehow I'm enough....but he never does...

You're tree may grow in my soul for the rest of my life...You may move on to another...and I may be left alone to always miss You....to spend my life alone.....but I can only offer who and what I am.....and if it's not enough......it just isn't enough..........

I've been told by others that You'd never have let me leave if You truly loved me and wanted me....I tried to believe that was true...but then I always remember that one moment during the worst possible time in my life, You  whispered in my ear (You thought I was sleeping but I wasn't)  You whispered that I would always belong to You.....and oh how at times I have wished that wasn't so...that I'd never heard You say those words...but You did say them....and I've clung to them even when i haven't wanted to....and  now only God knows what is in store for us....

I'm scared that this is just a passing thing for You...that one day You'll say, "Hey, I've got someone else now and don't have time for you."  so I hold myself in reserve...scared of being left without You again....so not quite letting myself belong to You...unsure of that You even want me....


You are my heart, I truly believe You will always be the love of my life........

but if Your not able to find what You need in me....then You should move on....so we both have a chance to find what's right...

That's not what I want to say...I want to beg You to be my Daddy...for You to let me belong to You once again.....to be Your slave, Your baby....but only You know if we should continue...if we should take this risk...or if You even want it....

It's all confusing....and I don't know where You stand...if You want me at all or maybe You don't.......but I had to say what I've said......and I won't bring it up again unless You want to talk about it......You now know how I feel but i won't push for more without Your encouragement.....it's in Your power to make whatever decision You think is best...

slavitude ... the continuing evolution

Here are Phill Sir's words to a visiting Dominant in the room today,

"the ONLY thing you need to find out is if they will OBEY you EAGERLLY, CHEERFULLY, and GRATEFULLY without HESITATION, FAILURE, QUESTION, or COMPLAINT."

As i was reading those words, though i've read them hundreds(?) of times before, i was really reflecting on how they have impacted the slave i have become and who i hope to one day be.

As a slave, there are very very few expectations placed on me at the moment.  Without an Owner and because i live on my own, i still basically have the privledge of free will.  Because of my devotion to the M&s room and it's inhabitants there are a few expectations that are placed on me, however they are small and should be easy to accomplish.

yet, i still manage to fail

In the past i always thought that a mistake, if unintentional, should be "more allowable"  This was a constant battle with my J, because He was frustrated constantly by my carelessness and "unintentional" mistakes.  However what He always said to me was this....."when you make a mistake, it's just like saying 'fuck You' to me."  When i was with Him and He said those things, i honestly believed that He was being unreasonable.  i believed that sweet and loving me, wasn't capable of saying "fuck You" to my Master who i worshiped and adored.  i thought He was too strict and was incapable of empathy or understanding what it was to be a slave.  That the microscope that i was under was to intense and no one could pass the test of that.  i was lucky that He loved me...and wanted me...and took every effort He could to show me ... and o how i strugged to understand and try and fit His needs.... but i just didn't get it.  i truely wasn't a slave.....

Had i been with a Dominant whose expectations weren't so high, or who didn't expect His submissive to be slave, i certainly may have been more successful.  But all that J wanted me to do was exactly what Phill Sir expects......to OBEY Him EAGERLY, CHEERFULLY, and GRATEFULLY without HESITATION, FAILURE, QUESTION, or COMPLAINT....and isn't that what a slave does without fail?

Every day the battle went on, i was essentially saying "fuck You" to Him over and over and over....until He couldn't take it any more, so...despite loving me, despite the effort He'd poured into training me, despite every detail He'd mapped out for me, despite every kind and considerate doting, endulgement moment He'd ever spent on me..........it came to a painful end

And now, every Man i am attracted to, mentally or physically has not compared.  He was basically One of a kind, driven, detailed, without fail, appreciative, caring, kind, loving, devoted, strong, decisive, assertive, bossy, smiling, asshole, committed sort of Guy.  His own drive, pushed me, though sometimes i fought it too...it was still the most satisfying and gratifying time in my life.  Since Him, i've met One other for Whom i have felt the same attraction to.  He has many of the same qualities.  It's of course all in a different package, wrapped up with a different bow...but it's all there for me....

So now, this slaves journey i've been on takes a whole new importance, as well as legitimacy.  It's been about 6 months since i've been truely exploring and evolving in this role...before J, i never identified as a slave, and then when He said that was His expectation, i tried to fit myself into the role.  i thought i was successful, i thought that a commited, doting heart made me a slave...i felt enslaved because of love, and love is good...but despite the goodness in all of that, it does not a slave make.

Six months ago, i was going through a "thing" in my life, disapointed in those i met, unhappy with my own actions.  At that point i'd made a committment to myself that it was time to "clean up" my own act.  This clean up included a number of things...not submitting to the wrong men anymore, recommitting myself to a healthy lifestyle and finding myself in a way that was true to who i am meant to be and then developing that to it's fullest.

At that same time i joined a group of people who made me feel like family, some Masters, some Owners, some Dominants, some sub, and some slave.  In that group was this One who has encouraged me, goaded me, called me out and yelled at me.  His honesty knows no limits, He says it like He calls it, whether it's socially acceptable or politically correct.  He lives life with the highest regard for His Creator and He leads His slaves as He chooses and doesn't base any of His decisions on what anyone else thinks.  He has made me look at who i am...and i've found a lot of fucked up bullshit in what i see.

There hasn't been a metamorphisis, there hasn't been an awakening of a brand new slave, what there has been is the dawning realization that my "unintentional mistakes" were not innocent and forgivable, they were actually failures and "fuck Yous" without the committment i thought i was exibiting.  my supposed selfless acts were actually clouded by a self endulgent and self absorbed "poor me" attitude and i was too caught up in what i thought was the unfairness of it all to see that the person not being true to the relationship.......was myself.  i know J would say, i told you that over and over during the 6 years we were together, and yes He did, that i was unable to see that i will forever be disapointed in myself and sorry that i fucked it all up.  So to everyone who has ever asked me, "what went wrong?"  i apologize for me inaccurate descriptions and explanations, J did all that a Master could do to help me find my role as slave, but i failed, despite His patience and determination.

and all i can do now is continue to live my life, and do my best i can with what i have.  i hope that i continue to be blessed with those in my life who care and take their valuable time to educate me.  i am so grateful for what i have been given...it's brought back to my life a focus that was gone for a while and as i continue to grow and struggle to peer through the clouds of confusion and misunderstanding of who or what i am...i thank God for the clarity of those around me.

i've been thinking...

Life is full of choices, i always seem to make the wrong ones.  Did i make the right one this week?  Still waiting to see what life has just around the corner.

11 Years Ago Today

11 years ago today I remember being at work and watching the twin towers on very slow streaming cable.  I remember not having a cell phone and worrying about my friend Kim from work who was driving to Springfield.  I remember the shock of the day and how all things seemed to take on a different sort of perspective.  I remember praying a lot and feeling completely helpless.

 

Healthy Living

Day 11 of my committment to making healthy choices.  So far i am proud of myself.  i've chosen wisely, tracked daily and have not missed taking my lunch once.

i don't have any other goal but to be healthier right now, to eat right and to feel confident that i am taking care of my body.

The benefits are yet to be seen.

a Frasier moment....

Frasier:  Lillith, do you think I know how to be happy?

Lillith:  Of course you do Frasier, you just never take the easy road.

serenity prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

choices

So life is filled with choices, even as a slave we have them.  we can choose who we serve, we can choose how we serve, and we can even choose whether or not to serve.  Unacceptable choices may have negative consequences.   The right choices may enrich our lives beyond belief...

Faced with a few choices myself this week.

Work choices...which interviewee to hire? 

Personal choices...the salad or the french fries?

i think i made good choices this week.  i did struggle with one choice inparticular that i'd like to say i made the right decision regarding.  The outcome is left to be seen, and i'm afraid that there might be repercussions that make me sad...but sometimes one has to do what they believe is right and good and if it means the outcome isn't what they had hoped....they must suffer the consequences.

Mission Updates 2012 Begin

Six years ago my Master at that time required me to write a mission statement, something to guide me in my journey.  What you find below in pink were the words i wrote....
My Mission Statement October 2006

• To strengthen and deepen all important relationships, always striving to communicate in a fashion which allows me to maintain those relationships in a healthy and loving manner.
• To strengthen my spiritual, physical and mental well being, by seeking out new ideas and challenging myself to explore new paths, broaden my horizons, and step outside my comfort zone.
• To strengthen my focus on moving forward in my career, my education and my life in general.
• To strengthen my personal life by "building" a home which reflects O/our interests, provides a place of refuge, welcomes friends and family, and is a place of pride for U/us both.

and

• Above all seek to strengthen the lifestyle path I’ve chosen to follow, ensuring my submission and slavery to Master is only enhanced by all of the above.

All this time, despite everything that has happened over the years, i've kept these goals in mind and have continued to use them to guide me towards who i am today.  i do believe the time has come to up date them though, so this is the first step in that process.

Here is the current status on each:

• To strengthen and deepen all important relationships, always striving to communicate in a fashion which allows me to maintain those relationships in a healthy and loving manner.  Well, for this particular one, i don't know whether i've failed or succeeded.  Of course i've lost my Master, the one who up until now has been the love of my life.  So that would be a big FAIL.  i have however, made many new friends over the last few years, some lasting. i have also done my best to stregthen my work and family connections, which feels relatively successful.
• To strengthen my spiritual, physical and mental well being, by seeking out new ideas and challenging myself to explore new paths, broaden my horizons, and step outside my comfort zone.  For this particular goal, i've done i've had both success and failure.  i need to continue to improve. i believe spiritually i've made committments that didn't exist before, physically though i've struggled, depression ,since losing my Master has definitely impacted my physical appearance and endurance, this is something i will put high on my next set of priorities, along with staying healthy mentally.
• To strengthen my focus on moving forward in my career, my education and my life in general.  I've managed to achieve some success in my career and education, i am currently in a place of oppoortunity, and choices for the postion i wish at work.  i've also completed my BA in Early Childhood Education, I am on the part time instructor list at a local community college and for the most part, enjoy my current status. 
• To strengthen my personal life by "building" a home which reflects O/our interests, provides a place of refuge, welcomes friends and family, and is a place of pride for U/us both.  Of course the home i've built over the last few years hasn't been for U/us.  It has however been an accomplishment i'm very proud of.  While there is always room to improve here, i feel like i've come a long way from the house i owned years ago by myself to the house i own now.  i've made many improvements and take pride in how it looks as well as how efficiently i am able to keep it running.  My experiences with J had a very positive impact on how i've handled my home.

and

• Above all seek to strengthen the lifestyle path I’ve chosen to follow, ensuring my submission and slavery to Master is only enhanced by all of the above.  It's been a long journey over the last six years, evaluating who i am on this journey and committing myself to who i believe i should be, has challenged me and made me question many things.  i'm still on this journey of course and probably always will be.  i only hope that i find someone to share the journey with.  i think this goal will need a little tweaking, but ultimately the feeling behind it is still the same.

i have set some priorities in my life that are on a more current list, i'd hoped at some point that having a Master/Owner would help me with my current goal, but i now feel that it's another journey i will take on my own. 

Here is the newest and most priority goal i will be incorporating into my mission, as it's become of great importance to me.  i don't exactly know where i will start, but it's time...and important so here is the first step.

• In order to regain my confidence and good health, i will commit to establishing new patterns and routines that help me gain a more healthy approach to life, with the hoped for result to be a healthier physical appearance and attitude towards life.

To all my friends who love me and read this blog entry...please wish me well on my journey and hopefully with your support i will succeed in my goal!