New ab/dl friendly room on CollarMe Chat

I discovered a new room on CollarMe tonight that is ab/dl friendly.  The Nursery welcomes all, but I believe the room was started out of the need for a ab/dl specific room.  When you pop in you'll find a very welcoming team of Loca and her lil, who goes by ally.   Check out their bot "FrankNFurter" he has some fun commands.

Hoping to watch the room grow so be sure to stop in and say "hi!"  and don't forget to tell em the cubgirl sent you! ;-)

Someone elses slavitude!

Just AWESOME!

https://fetlife.com/users/1364575/posts/2116255

Trying too hard? or not hard Enough?

Back in July 2013, I wrote:

 

I'm one of those goofy people that seems to leave a wake of catastrophe behind her, more like Lucy Ricardo than June Cleaver?  Thinking back, I guess Lucy failed in her relationships too.....I wonder if June kept Ward happy for the rest of His life?...moving on. 

 

I've thought about this a lot.  I know that both Lucy and June were characters on tv programs but there is so much reality in the words I wrote.

At work, I'm good at what I do, professional, knowledgeable, capable, on top of my game, successful, but, I'm also goofy, forgetful, and far from perfect.  I think the things that make me successful aren't necessarily my knowledge and skill but rather, it's my attitude and ability to bring people to my side.  I can get people to do things that they didn't think they wanted to do....it's the spin I put on life...I also am dedicated...I don't give up, I keep trying and working until I get the job done and I'm kind and considerate, I'm friendly and giving and I like to laugh.

Now those aren't bad qualities...but they aren't necessarily the qualities the men I've been involved with are looking for. 

While I'm as submissive as a girl can come in some ways...more than one Dominant Man has said I'm guilty of trying to hard.  I've struggled to understand what this means, but then I began thinking of Lucy Ricardo...how her antics usually involved trying to do something positive, but somehow, someway, each of her projects went astray and created more chaos then had she not done anything at all and I began to see the connection.

 

Lucy always meant well, and I don't know what it was but she always made a mess of things....

 

That's kind of how I am.  If I'm sent to the store to buy the one specific thing He needs, I'll end up buying 10 incredible things he loves, but I'll forget the one thing I was sent for.   That might be a little bit of an exaggeration, but it's not too far off...  I'll be all proud of myself for doing something to make him happy but instead I've done something to make him mad.

I try not to make these kind of mistakes over and over....I try to understand why He can't be happy when I accomplished 20 of the tasks He expected of me and He's mad because I forgot about that one extra thing I didn't do.

And when after making so much effort to meet his expectations He isn't happy,  but says things like "He's so pissed off" I try not to feel sad but to find a way to not make the same mistake next time.

In my profile on fetlife I describe myself as

slave, fucked up little girl, kinky, devoted, committed
(Just to clarify...I don't need fixing or restructured or broken down to be rebuilt...i've spent a life time building the person I am now...I've learned to be independent, capable and confidant in my life and i am very happy to be the person i've described, it's who i am and it's who i hope can one day please someone enough, so much that they don't focus on what i lack, rather they are able to be pleased by what i offer.)

I am who I am, I am successful, capable, confident and happy....and while I love Him, I don't love feeling bad about myself ... I want to be His love and companion, to hear how I make Him happy.....not His frustration, always filled with  anxiety, always questioning myself and just waiting to hear what I've done wrong....

I would love if He suddenly could accept me for who I am.  I know that there are times he loves who I am....I wish He could weigh His life with me vs without me and find me such a valuable part of His life that He could overlook what He sees as my flaws....but that doesn't seem to be the case...

Mission Updates 2012 Begin

Six years ago my Master at that time required me to write a mission statement, something to guide me in my journey.  What you find below in pink were the words i wrote....
My Mission Statement October 2006

• To strengthen and deepen all important relationships, always striving to communicate in a fashion which allows me to maintain those relationships in a healthy and loving manner.
• To strengthen my spiritual, physical and mental well being, by seeking out new ideas and challenging myself to explore new paths, broaden my horizons, and step outside my comfort zone.
• To strengthen my focus on moving forward in my career, my education and my life in general.
• To strengthen my personal life by "building" a home which reflects O/our interests, provides a place of refuge, welcomes friends and family, and is a place of pride for U/us both.

and

• Above all seek to strengthen the lifestyle path I’ve chosen to follow, ensuring my submission and slavery to Master is only enhanced by all of the above.

All this time, despite everything that has happened over the years, i've kept these goals in mind and have continued to use them to guide me towards who i am today.  i do believe the time has come to up date them though, so this is the first step in that process.

Here is the current status on each:

• To strengthen and deepen all important relationships, always striving to communicate in a fashion which allows me to maintain those relationships in a healthy and loving manner.  Well, for this particular one, i don't know whether i've failed or succeeded.  Of course i've lost my Master, the one who up until now has been the love of my life.  So that would be a big FAIL.  i have however, made many new friends over the last few years, some lasting. i have also done my best to stregthen my work and family connections, which feels relatively successful.
• To strengthen my spiritual, physical and mental well being, by seeking out new ideas and challenging myself to explore new paths, broaden my horizons, and step outside my comfort zone.  For this particular goal, i've done i've had both success and failure.  i need to continue to improve. i believe spiritually i've made committments that didn't exist before, physically though i've struggled, depression ,since losing my Master has definitely impacted my physical appearance and endurance, this is something i will put high on my next set of priorities, along with staying healthy mentally.
• To strengthen my focus on moving forward in my career, my education and my life in general.  I've managed to achieve some success in my career and education, i am currently in a place of oppoortunity, and choices for the postion i wish at work.  i've also completed my BA in Early Childhood Education, I am on the part time instructor list at a local community college and for the most part, enjoy my current status. 
• To strengthen my personal life by "building" a home which reflects O/our interests, provides a place of refuge, welcomes friends and family, and is a place of pride for U/us both.  Of course the home i've built over the last few years hasn't been for U/us.  It has however been an accomplishment i'm very proud of.  While there is always room to improve here, i feel like i've come a long way from the house i owned years ago by myself to the house i own now.  i've made many improvements and take pride in how it looks as well as how efficiently i am able to keep it running.  My experiences with J had a very positive impact on how i've handled my home.

and

• Above all seek to strengthen the lifestyle path I’ve chosen to follow, ensuring my submission and slavery to Master is only enhanced by all of the above.  It's been a long journey over the last six years, evaluating who i am on this journey and committing myself to who i believe i should be, has challenged me and made me question many things.  i'm still on this journey of course and probably always will be.  i only hope that i find someone to share the journey with.  i think this goal will need a little tweaking, but ultimately the feeling behind it is still the same.

i have set some priorities in my life that are on a more current list, i'd hoped at some point that having a Master/Owner would help me with my current goal, but i now feel that it's another journey i will take on my own. 

Here is the newest and most priority goal i will be incorporating into my mission, as it's become of great importance to me.  i don't exactly know where i will start, but it's time...and important so here is the first step.

• In order to regain my confidence and good health, i will commit to establishing new patterns and routines that help me gain a more healthy approach to life, with the hoped for result to be a healthier physical appearance and attitude towards life.

To all my friends who love me and read this blog entry...please wish me well on my journey and hopefully with your support i will succeed in my goal!

The Things i Didn't Get to Say...

Sometimes decisions are made, and you didn't get to have the kind of input that you wanted to.  There might be different reasons for this, but ultimately what you wanted to say went unsaid and all you can do is wish that somehow the words had been allowed.  You can wish for another chance to say them, hoping they might make the difference but, more often than not, they didn't matter or wouldn't have changed the outcome, or the opportunity would have presented itself.

Once you live the moment, there is no going backwards...it's all about moving forward from the day you are born until the day you die.  i believe the goal is to live each moment the best you can, using both your heart and your mind to guide you.  You may make mistakes along the way, you might even take a wrong turn here and there, ultimately though, you can only make decisions based on what you've learned, and, you can't decide for anyone else the path they will take.  What you want and what you might get, are seldomly aligned.  Making the most of what you do get is your best chance for success, happiness and contentment.

In the last couple weeks i'd have said several things if i had the chance...Maybe i should of tried harder to find a way to be heard.  Of course ultimately words are only that...words.  It's actions that speak, louder than any words ever can!  So in my case, i will be thankful for the few moments i received, the attention i was given,  and i will do my best to act accordingly.



more on the evolution of my slavitude

i've had a variety of influences in my development as slave over the years.  i would say out of everyone, there have been two or three persons who have shared the most impactful lessons i have learned to date.
Of course one also learns much through observation and just listening to others interact and discuss and to those over the years with whom i've spent time, i am grateful for their sincerity and committment to the "community" and helping others as we make our way through the journey.  i only hope i can share my knowledge as sincerely and as intelligently as it has been shared with me.

i was having a conversation with someone this morning who has watched first hand my evolution as a slave. We were discussing the difference between a slave and a good/smart slave.  i think understanding what it is to be slave, and what it is to actually implement that understanding can be a challenge to begin with, and then to be good at it, to fit one's Owners individual needs is taking it even a step further.

i've really been forced lately to examine who i was, am and who i wish to be.  Probably to begin with i put way too much thought into it.  If only i could be the kind of person who accepted and performed without a need to analyze and understand the how and why of everything, i'd probably still be in a successful relationship.  That hasn't been my strength however i am on the road to working it out.

Here is what i have reflected on so far today....

As a slave in my past i struggled with "His way" vs "my way" i am sorry to admit it, but i often had thoughts of "i could do that better"  The problem with this thought pattern is....

• Firstly, a slave should be able to take directions without question.  A good/smart slave should be able to take direction and if she thinks she has an idea that might be able to positively impact the outcome, she should be able to offer input with an approach that doesn't question His plan, but rather offers assistance in a respectful manner.  Knowing that ultimately, His decision is for her to accept as the final word.
• The next thing is, attitude.  A positive attitude is important.  If as a slave you approach your tasks with reluctance and a negativity, you aren't serving the person you've chosen to serve fully.  you are cheating both yourself and Him of the gifts a slave should offer.  Approaching a task with a heart filled with joy and giving spirit enriches the experience.  The benefits of a joyful heart and giving spirit are many, your time spent is more meaningful, the quality of the situation is improved and the gift of your submission can truely be valued and seen as the gift it is.
• Finally today, i have reflected on my own past habit of getting stuck in the "fault and blame" game.  This is one of the hardest things to see in myself.  i don't really notice if other people are guilty of using excuses?  Maybe it's just a "me" thing?  i don't know that i do it during other aspects of my life, but in my past as a slave i was quite guilty of wanting to not accept my own failures and would fall back on using excuses.  i was always looking for reasons or excuses for why i hadn't succeeded.  Excuses like, "there wasn't enough time," or "i forgot," Sometimes excuses can be legit, "There was a car accident on the interstate."  and that's when one can say..."Hey, i was late because...."  Most excuses however, are reasons for having avoided the task and legit or not, there needs to be communication and understanding between both Master and slave, of what is acceptable as a legitimate excuse, and when the Master is going to see it as not having placed priority on the task assigned.   Personally i don't like to fail (i'm sure most of us don't) and being slave means that your failures and inadequacies are often viewed under a microscope.  you are no longer only accountable to yourself, but to One who is also witness to your every shortcoming and personal failure.  It's not easy to be so vulernable, but to be slave, it is a requirement.  one must humble oneself so that their Master can not only see their strengths but also their weaknesses and if one has chosen wisely....value you despite those weaknesses.

evolution of my slavitude

When i first met J, i was someone most would have considered a "subbie".  i was used to scening and playing with a Dom, but had never really had a long term serious relationship with any Dominant.  J and i connected from the first few moments, i don't know why, we just did.  i remember early on in the relationship, having our first conversation about where our journey was taking us.  He was telling me who and what He wanted, and as i lay there, listening, hanging on His every word, looking around at His world, i knew that i wanted to be in that spot for a lifetime.  When He said the word slave, i don't know if i even flinched, i knew i could serve Him, because i knew i had come home.

People, especially other Dominants often ask me where He and i went wrong after 6 years.  i never really have a good answer to that.  i've given a few answers over the last couple of years, i've said things like i couldn't please Him because He was unpleaseable.  i've said His expecations were too much for me.  i've said we were just both fighting a loosing battle with no one right or wrong.  More recently, i've begun to see my own faults more clearly.  Maybe i didn't understand what it meant to be slave.  Maybe i wasn't ready to be slave.  ......mabye because i wasn't ready for that journey in my life yet?   Either way, i wasn't slave, i loved, i longed to please and i struggled to do the best i could, but there was something missing.  It was slavitude, pure and simple. 

Maybe if we could of looked at the 6 year journey and seen where we started to where we had come to, maybe we could of seen the things we'd accomplished, but the level of frustration, the challenges we'd fought, the journey had gotten mucked up somehow and it was at a stalemate. 

i don't know if He ever took the time to see how He'd taken a messed up, strangely independent, struggling, confused distrustful woman, and softened her, brought her to His side, developed her confidence and taught her skills where she had been lacking her entire life.  He made a home for them, with an element of safety and security that she'd never experienced. He gave her a family life and a sense of belonging that she'd never had, experiences that she'd only dreamed of and a heart to hold and love and cherish.

i longed to be all He wanted me to be, yet, i couldn't get there.  Over the two and a half years since we split up, i've known many men, some Dom wannabees and some Dominant to the core.  i've learned something from each one, as well as lessons learned from friends i've met along my journey.

These are the things i know now that i didn't know before and i pray that they are enough in my next relationship...

• As a slave it isn't enough to want to serve, to love someone or to offer respect.  It takes a special combination of all three of these things to give oneself in the manner expected of a slave.  Protocol isn't optional, it's a necessity that sets boundries and reminds one of who they are and how they are to act.  Respecting someone on the inside, isn't enough, it has to be shown and seen daily during moments of love and moments of humility.
• Being a slave doesn't include a pick and choose option.  It isn't open for discussion.  It isn't if the sun is shining or the stars in the heaven are right tonight sorta thing.  It is a 24/7 every moment of every day, it's a He is right or even more right sort of thing.  It is with a joyous heart and a trust that is paramount to no other that a slave accepts her Owners words without question or hesitation.  she accepts the slide down the hill and the ride on the ski lift as willingly as she does the expectation for clean socks in the morning.
• A compatible, honest, trustworthy Owner is not easy to find.  Trust is not a word that can be given easily and finding someone who is worthy of that trust is near to impossible. Valuing what one has been blessed with is important to remember at every moment.  It's not just about enjoying the "roadtrips" or gifts and rewards, it's also about recognizing how important it is to value all aspects of the relationship.  Recognizing what it means to kneel at His feet, to belong to Him, to bring Him comfort and to fill His world so that He knows His slaves value.
• Finally it's about being able to be humble, to be able to know my faults without them being pointed out, to know that my place is where He puts me, that He deserves my requests for permission no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to be to me.  If He expects it, i must give it at all times, not choosing or assuming or guessing, i am His to command and i will serve...humbly, sincerely and unquestioningly.

slave ramblings

So a lot of stuff's been happening in my life lately.  i sometimes i don't know whether i am coming or going.  i feel very unsure of a lot of things, but one thing i'm becoming more and more sure of is who i am in the kink/fetish world.

Hi, i'm jennie and i'm slave.  i serve without question.  i am without limits.  If i chose an Owner, it is because between us there is trust and respect.  i don't expect to be allowed to say "no", but if i do, i expect that there will be consequences for my actions, and more than likely i will do exactly what i said "no" to anyway. 

my goal is not to achieve more for myself, but rather to please the One i serve.  His desires are my priority. 

my job is not to question His reasons, or argue why, but to do as i am told with joy in my heart and a smile on my face and an appreciation for the gifts He brings to my life.  His attention, His companionship, His care, and if i am blessed, His love.

Thank you my 50's Family for helping me get my head on straight.  Love all of you!

don't mistake confidence for dominance

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...at least until it's right.

So lately every post i write here seems to be about convincing myself of who i am.  What's happened to me, that my place in the lifestyle has become such a mixed up mess of confusion?  Why does suddenly having a Man who can offer me the things i crave suddenly send me into a flight of mental anxiety and fear?  What's happened to my head that i suddenly don't know who or what i need, want, desire, deserve, crave? 

The ease i've always slipped into relationships before is missing now.  The confidence of knowing who and why i am is absent from my interactions. 

i've not changed who i am, i'm still funny (or at least i crack myself up from time to time), confident, honest, sincere, open, easy to talk to, willing to give...these are the qualities that draw people into my inner circle.  They are also the things that sometimes cause people to mistake my open nature for a more intimate situation.

i struggle with saying "no"

i worry that i'm "broken", i worry that i expect too much, i worry that i'll never find "just right"...maybe goldilocks should have made other more appropriate choices?

i still long for love and intimacy and intensity...but i guess i just want it to be as easy as it once was.  Can it be? 

Maybe it's that i am a slave, one that says "i want, i need, and i will or i won't," at least until it's just right ?/./!

What makes you think you are a slavegirl?

Who told you you are a slave?

you are a f*cked up little girl!  It's who you are...OWN IT!

you want to be a slave...but...

maybe you are pretending to be something you aren't

maybe you are trying too hard

maybe you should relax

maybe you should let go ... again ... even if it means you might get hurt...

maybe you shouldn't think so much

maybe you should accept it

maybe it won't be so f*cked up this time

maybe you should just get over yourself

maybe you should forgive

maybe you should let life take it's natural course

maybe being the f*cked up little girl isn't so bad

maybe the f*cked up little girl knows something you don't

maybe the f*cked up little girl can trust

maybe it's not as complicated as it seems

maybe you have to just need to address your soul and not your brain so much...

slave vs. little girl

The last few weeks + have been ones filled with lots of wonder, consideration, anticipation, discovery...on and on.  What it means to be slave, what it means to me to be slave, what "others" might think it means for me to be slave, how do i resolve the conflict in roles between being slave and being little?  i've taken such a close look that sometimes the focus becomes fuzzy and the lines start to blur.

i've listened to many who offer suggestions, thoughts on the matter, expectations, and like when i would go shopping with my girlfriends as a kid, under their influence i end up purchasing a wardrobe full of "someone elses" clothes.

i think the best advice i've gotten is from a Friend who said "you be you...I'll be Me."  Pretty straight forward stuff.  i can't resolve being little vs being slave because it's who i am, both are the same person, i can't give up one to better the other.  If that makes me less of something by your definition, than so be it. 

Does a slave have needs and expectations?  Maybe yes, maybe no, but what she better do is pick an Owner who will meet them without her ever requesting them if she does. 

So, like the masochist who needs her beating from a Saditic Owner though she may deny that she has expectations of Him, i think that this little girl needs to be with a Daddy who knows that every little girl does best and pleases Him most when He keeps her feeling safe, nurtured, cherished and cared for.  He will know that a heart filled with Him will in return serve Him with more passion, committment and adoration that He ever dreamed possible.

How to Make it Fit ~ slave and little

So, again i am immersed in my slaveitude today. 
Thinking a lot about just how being slave and being a little tie together.  i am absolutely sure a couple of Masters have explained this, and my ex eagerly showed me just how it could work, but you know me, analyze, analyze, analyze along with the fear of the knowledge that as slave, my own desires are not important.

It came to me as i was contemplating a discussion i was hoping to have with Someone.  It began with remembering a photo of some jammies i'd saved and wanting to share the pic with this Someone's slave.  Opportunites to speak with her have been rare so my thoughts included sharing a the picture with Him and asking Him to show it to her.  i was trying to picture what it would look like, asking Him to share it with her and how He might do that.  (that is of course if He would consider doing it at all...because my current lesson includes that my wants are not important because i am slave)

i was thinking about that scenerio, a hard, stern, demanding Master sharing this picture with His slave.

And then i realized, just as He is hard and stern and demanding, He could also be indulging.  So why wouldn't He choose to share this with her or whatever it is in her world that "trips her trigger" so to speak, when He feels the time is right, when He wishes to feel her joy or pleasure.  It would still be about Him right?  and the pleasure He receives while indulging His slave?  Of course, these things would be on His time, and at His design, but my goodness what more could a slave girl dream of?

the Journey...another head clearing journal page

Once upon a time, i was owned, thorougly, completely, intensely....and i was a better person because of it.

And then it ended and life was dark and confusing and i hurt more than words could ever describe.  The rejection, the loss, the pain took me places i hope never to experience again.

When i finally took the chain my ex had given me from my neck about a year after i was released, it meant that i was no longer connected to him, i felt totally alone.  And then i remembered that i wasn't alone and i put on another chain, that chain connected me to another Master, and reminds me that i am never alone.

For over two years now though, i've struggled, trying to find my place again, who am i? what am i?  why am i?  i've never forgotten that He walks with me, but the longing and desire to please is still strong.

The stuggle has been up and down.  The people who have walked with me have  both supported me as well as brought me challenges.

Recently i've been blessed to find a group of caring people who i enjoy and feel welcomed amongst.  In this group there has been a wise Man who has taught me a lot, sometimes the things He's taught me have hurt, but the intent hasn't been to necessarily break me down, rather it's been to enlighten me.

Each day a brick or two is being removed, not by physical power and strength but by thoughtful words, attention and knowledge.  Sometimes i wonder where the plan will take me and i struggle with new thoughts and challenges.  i  continue to work on remembering that i am just a slave and that to others my role is to serve, to please, to act accordingly.  i know that i will never stop being that "chaser of butterflies" but i hope that one day that Someone will understand that need, that bigness in my heart and want to be one who can fill it.
i may not always know where i am going, but i do understand that the journey will carry me to where i need to be.  In the meantime i will arm myself with  my butterfly net for capturing experiences, my camera to capture the memories and my joyful heart to help bring a smile or two to others along the way. 

peace and respect,
jenagain

Out of Control

i have been feeling more and more "out of control" lately.  What does that mean?  It's hard to explain, but it has a lot to do with being on my own.  i think i am a fairly respectful girl, but i do tend to be a little bit of a smart alec at times.  i enjoy humor and can take it too far.  i catch myself doing this and then i feel bad.  Other times, i just know i'm being lazy.  Yep, lazy.  My sweatshirt is on the back of a chair instead of hanging in the closet, my cats toys are all over the livingroom floor and i have laundry and yardwork to catch up on.  i've been spending too much time endulging my chat time and not enough time being dutiful.

But being dutiful to ones self isn't all that inspiring.

Off to work now but more later....or not because i'm not in control of myself these days....

Waiting

2/28/12
So this morning i woke up with a lot of anxiety.  Lots of reasons i suppose, work, recent events, this stupid headache i have and.... There is always this sense of aloneness.  Right now i am focusing on being healthy and happy.  i am however, meant to be a part of a whole, so the feeling of completeness never quite washes over me.

i never let go of that hope that He is right now busy looking for me...seeking me....and waiting for me to complete Him as well...

Passion for Submission

Tomorrow night February 1st at 11:59 PM the Passion for Submission chatroom on Collar Me will close it's doors. 

Passion has meant many things to many people.  The stories shared by regulars over the last few days have made me realize how much this room has impacted so many, not just myself. 

Two years ago i ended a Master/slave relationship of 6 years, it truly was the most challenging time in my life.  It was at that time in my life that i found the Passion for Submission room.  i was not only welcomed, but made to feel a part of the Passion family from day one. 

As i've worked through the many emotions and challenges of the last few years, a difficult break up, players, loss and just learning to believe i deserve the best in the lifestyle, i've found in the room, support, mentorship, friendship, and even a sense of family. 

It's not every room where you feel such a sense of belonging. 

What i found in the Passion for Submission chatroom was a group of people who gave their best with intelligence, integrity, care and kindness.

A personal thank you to Simon, room owner, for His dedication and conviction to running an exemplary room, to the ops i've had the privledge to chat with, your welcoming attitude helped make the room so warm, and to all the friends i've made who have helped me smile through the “tough,” advised during the moments of “stupid” and who have helped me realize there is “more” and yes, i have every right to expect it....

i'll miss you Passion

your freakiecubgirl

Housework

 i have a definite dislike for housework.  i try extra hard to not be an untidy person because it just means i have to clean more if i don't take care to begin with.  Still the dust does accumulate and showers need scrubbed even when you are as tidy as you can be. 

 i think housework is a little easier when it's set as a chore by one's Sir.  It somehow makes it a little easier knowing that you are doing it for Him.  Everything is somehow easier when it's a task set by one's Owner.  i suppose there are certain things that shouldn't have to be set as a task.  Still i like that level of micromanagement, "here is your list of things to do today My slave."  It pushes me to accomplish what i need to get done in order to please Him. 

i like organization, i am much more apt to be successful when things are organized and tidy.  My A.D.D. can often lead me astray however so staying on top of things is a constant challenge for me. 

i miss that kind of structure in my life, the kind that sets expectations for me to meet.  i enjoy being able to meet those expecations, and pleasing my One.

Today's List of Chores:

1. Organize last years paperwork
2. Boil extra eggs in fridge
3. Laundry
4. Dust
5. Dishes
6. Tidy up

a freakie cubs journey in the lifestyle - May 19, 2008

This was pulled from a post written on DD back in 2008 with Mean Mommy's permission of course.  For the post and ensuing discussion that followed, please click the link below.

"I am sure it is a crippling moment of pain, or a few, which turn people into
dominants and submissives. This sort of love does not come from a mind that has
not suffered. BDSM is a way to console that initial suffering through
reactionary suffering, it almost negates itself for a while. A bound submissive
can think "Yes, I really am loved. She wants me." while the dominant thinks "He
must love me, otherwise why would he be suffering so?" (The obvious answer is
"because you tied him up and didn't let him escape." But WHATEVER.)"

~Mean Mommy~
http://www.dailydiapers.com/board/index.php?showtopic=10945&st=0&p=126209&#entry126209

Thoughtful...Natalie Merchant - Come Take A Trip In My Airship

So when i lived with my previous master, despite all of the negativity i've felt lately, there were positives.

One of my favorite things about him was his creativity. 

At the beginning of the relationship i jokingly said to him that it was traditional to send flowers on ones 3(?) month anniversary, this evolved into a a token gift each month on our anniversary.  It was sometimes hard, sometimes easy to pick up some little thing to give to one another.  Once in a while it was something bigger that the other had mentioned they needed or maybe it was something frivoulous we knew the other wanted.  There were no written rules or expectations, but there was always something.

One of the most cherished things he gave me was a music box.  It wasn't big, and it wasn't even music we specifically would have chosen, but he'd picked it up somewhere and decoupaged a photo of the two of us onto it. Nice...but the really special part of that music box was that whenever He put me to bed, if i was sick, or just laying down for a nap, or when He left for work at 4 am in the morning and came to tell me goodbye and to have a good day, He'd kiss me and wind the music box.  i learned to fall asleep quickly to it's tinkling sound.  There was something always reassuring about it.  It made me feel so safe.

When our relationship ended, the sound of that little music box about tore me apart if i played it, yet, i'd become so accostumed to falling asleep to it, i could barely sleep without it.

So......i thought and thought about how to replace it...i thought about another music box, but it lacked in sentimentality, my purchasing it myself.

i've loved Natlalie Merchant's version of "Come Take A Trip On My Airship" ever since i heard it years and years ago while working in a child care. i'd bought the "For the Children too" cassette and fell in love with her voice and the words to this old tune.  So, i downloaded it to my phone and now each night i play it as i lay in bed trying to sleep.  Sometimes i mix it up with Dean singing Brahm's Lullabye, or Goodnite by Melodie Gardot but Natalie is definitely my favorite.