Just how am i Rockin' the little me This Week?

Last Saturday I came down with the flu.  It started just like a mild fever and feelin' achie, but by Tuesday I was struggling to breathe and ended up making a trip to Urgent Care, to get some meds. 
Now I have Bronchitis and am using a nebulizer every hour and taking a ton of different drugs, and I'm not allowed to return to work until next Monday.  Not fun!

What's happening though is being sick is bringing out my little side.  Now if you know me at all, you know that I do identify myself as a slave/little girl and have no hesitation about sharing that, it's who I am.  Lately though, I don't let her out as much.  It's important that I'm taking care of life as an adult and that means that letting down my guard can be difficult.  (This may be a little confusing for the Man I am seeing who is looking for my 'softer side' but keeps bumping heads with my "need to be in control" side.)

So to this Man, who asked me tonight to clarify the following....
"being sick is hitting my little space trigger."
I think I have to start with this question first, How is it that a girl who identifies as a slave/little girl can't let down her control?  Well, it's hard to be a responsible adult day in and day out and still allow yourself to stay open and vulnerable.  Being vulnerable means you are open to hurts and evils that lurk in the world.  It's not that I don't long to sink into that warm intoxicating safe place and give myself over to someone who will protect me from the world.  It's just that it's very hard to do when there are so many demands, things to balance, when we aren't quite at that intimate stage of trust  that we'd like to be yet and maybe I'm even just a little out of practice.


So how exactly am I "Rockin' the little me" this week?  Well, I've had a lot of down time, a lot of me time and just the opportunity to tune in.  I'm been able to stop and listen to that "needy" part of me and not shove it down.  Instead of ignoring the desires that are so often there, I'm finding myself giving in to them.  The things that are comforting, like sucking my thumb and wearing diapers.

My world can be a very lonely place sometimes, despite my friendly, outgoing nature, I really let very few people in.  It's hard to be vulnerable with someone again and trust has always been hard for me.  I don't exactly know the path to take to get to the place we want to be.  I suspect that being vulnerable is the first step.  It's hard to reach out to you with this.  I tried tonight, and again, I know you probably think this would come easy for me, I share every other thought in my head, but this stuff is different.  Our conversation just didn't make it to where I hoped it would go.  So I've brought it here...to help me sort through things, and to maybe help to start some more conversation between us.

Before I go to bed tonight, I will put on a diaper, I will snuggle deep under the covers, I'll pull Tallie and Hendrix close, I'll put my left thumb in my mouth and I will fall asleep.  I'll probably wake several times during the night and my thoughts will stray to you...I'll wish you were lying next to me, I'll wish that we were at that stage, I'll worry that the last two weeks may have taken a tole on the direction things were going and I'll wait for that text that you used to always send every morning letting me know that you are thinking of me too....