Go to sleep little bear

I was chasing clouds on my way home tonight.  I kept driving around trying to find the right place to take the picture, but there were either wires or transformers or a line of trees or too many cars to stop there....And by the time i finally found a couple of spots to stop...I'd really had already missed the best photos opportunities.  "I'm a day late and a dollar short" my parents would always say about me ...

 

I kind of feel that way about my life sometimes too.  I'm driving and looking and trying to find the best vantage point and in the mean time I've missed the whole parade...

 

What's happened to me lately, things were feeling so "sorted" but i look sideways at a Dominant man and i loose myself all over again.

 

It feels like nothing has changed with my level of confidence as a slave...i still feel like every other slave has it all figured out and I'm still trying to understand...

I'm 51 years old for gosh sakes...and I've served...

Maybe it takes being in a healthy relationship to feel that way?  Maybe then the doubt goes away...

 

Maybe it's time for bed...

The Cherry On Top

So lately I've been visiting online places outside of the whole BDSM and ab/dl world.  I feel like I'm all caught up in something that I'm not living, and having been away so long, I don't even know if  I want to live it anymore.  It's hard to imagine a relationship that isn't D/s or M/s or D/lg, but, then again I've been living without it for such a long time now...it's making me question who or what I want in a relationship.

I can tell you from my experience though, D/s people are much more honest, more real, more confident in the relationships.  I was talking on a meeting site to someone local and it was going pretty well for a few days, nice normal vanilla conversation, we hadn't delved into anything too deep yet, but everything did seem to be leading to a first meet.  But then he noted some kinky stuff in my profile question answers (which by the way do not match up with his own) and despite the several messages discouraging his awkward advances, and explaining to him about where I'm coming from -- he's all caught up in the "sexual" stuff now.  His second to last email said "I want to taste you"  I didn't respond....His last email said "I don't want to scare you away."..............................Ha!

While I'm absolutely looking forward to sex with someone other than my hitachi....I'm not easy, fast or cheap.  The vanilla dudes seem to interpret "varied sexual interests" or "enjoys someone else taking charge" as a girl, who after a perfunctory email or two, can't get on their knees fast enough to be their cock sucking cum slut. 

Maybe I am old fashioned, but that's not what I want anymore.  I want a relationship that's about life, and I'll say it again....sex is not how to live and love in a relationship, sex is just the cherry on top!

slavitude.....i continue to believe

Generally I don't cross post anything I've written in other places
, but something made me want to write tonight in my Fetlife journal and when it was done, it seemed appropriate to post it here too, so.....my apologies to anyone who actually might read my thoughts in both places....

My heart has this incredible capacity for forgiveness.  It's not something that happens in every situation, but for the right person, my heart seems to have an eraser that wipes clean every speck of hurt or torment that gets thrown at it.   Maybe that's how things are supposed to work actually... and it probably isn't even a unique trait in most submissives.

i don't know if it's a good trait or not.  In the past it's allowed me to find myself in difficult and quite possibly not the healthiest of relationships. 

But, I do believe that there can be a healthy in the right D/s relationship.  It's probably like any relationship, it just takes the right combination or compatibility for the D and s to become what i imagine a D/s relationship can be.

I thought i was there in the past.  I would like to think i can be there one day in the future.
i have learned most importantly that i am who i am, i can't be anyone else.  i might admire someone for what they are able to offer or strive to be more of this or that, but ultimately.....i am me and I'm going to have to work with who i am...and hopefully who i am will be compatible with Someone else's who they are.... :-)

Someone elses slavitude!

Just AWESOME!

https://fetlife.com/users/1364575/posts/2116255

An End to 2013

New Years Eve.  A time for thinking over the past year, assessing, wondering if I'm going the direction I should be going?  Being true to myself?  Giving all I can?

For over a year now I've left "casual" behind and have only invested in what I know to be possibility.  Every day I wonder, and pray that I'm making the right decisions, choices.... and I set my mind to doing everything I know to do to make it go right...

For a while I've wanted to write about how I'm feeling.....but my brain has felt clogged, filled with too many feelings, fears, overwhelming emotions to even get it written down.

But, I am going to try and say what I need to say now...

In my entire life, I've given the most I've ever had to give to one person.  Since we met You've never left my head for even one day for 10 solid years.  When we separated I struggled to forget You.  I tried to replace You, I spent so much effort in trying to flood my brain with anything but You, yet like a tree that's planted it's roots deep in my soul, I can't seem to remove You.

Somehow we have become involved again, yet this time we don't seem to have a direction.  Once I would have pleaded to make it what it once was....but what once was just didn't work...so it needs to be something else....what that something else is?  Neither of us seems to know.

For a while I thought I'd changed, enough so that we could maybe salvage what we had....I've come to realize that while I've grown.  I haven't changed enough...I will always be who I am and infact there was a time when I wanted desperately to make myself change...but now I just kind of know...I am who I am....love me or not....

I can see you have very little patience with me...and it takes very little for me to frustrate or annoy You...it would seem that You are less patient and more frustrated with me than with anyone else in your life...I don't know that's something You could even change....but i do know it's something i can't change

more than anything....even the threat of losing every possibility of being a part of Your life...I want to be loved and accepted for who and what I am....it's just too tiring to try and be someone else...and it hurts to much knowing that I  never am enough.

So, I'm scared as hell to say what I've written here...because as I've said, I've never once in 10 solid years have i stopped loving You, adoring You and hoping for You...but I hold myself in a quiet state of reserve...hoping one day lightening will strike, the earth will shake, God himself would hit You over the head with the knowledge that somehow I'm enough....but he never does...

You're tree may grow in my soul for the rest of my life...You may move on to another...and I may be left alone to always miss You....to spend my life alone.....but I can only offer who and what I am.....and if it's not enough......it just isn't enough..........

I've been told by others that You'd never have let me leave if You truly loved me and wanted me....I tried to believe that was true...but then I always remember that one moment during the worst possible time in my life, You  whispered in my ear (You thought I was sleeping but I wasn't)  You whispered that I would always belong to You.....and oh how at times I have wished that wasn't so...that I'd never heard You say those words...but You did say them....and I've clung to them even when i haven't wanted to....and  now only God knows what is in store for us....

I'm scared that this is just a passing thing for You...that one day You'll say, "Hey, I've got someone else now and don't have time for you."  so I hold myself in reserve...scared of being left without You again....so not quite letting myself belong to You...unsure of that You even want me....


You are my heart, I truly believe You will always be the love of my life........

but if Your not able to find what You need in me....then You should move on....so we both have a chance to find what's right...

That's not what I want to say...I want to beg You to be my Daddy...for You to let me belong to You once again.....to be Your slave, Your baby....but only You know if we should continue...if we should take this risk...or if You even want it....

It's all confusing....and I don't know where You stand...if You want me at all or maybe You don't.......but I had to say what I've said......and I won't bring it up again unless You want to talk about it......You now know how I feel but i won't push for more without Your encouragement.....it's in Your power to make whatever decision You think is best...

a slave's life...moving on?

So I don't know if I could be considered the "norm" in any aspect of my life.  When I was 14 I fell in love with someone who has stayed my friend for the next 34 years and counting.  We were young and of course things happen and we took other paths but he married my best girlfriend and we all stayed in touch but ... moving on.

I next fell in love with my ex husband.  A sweet guy, as opposite of my father, an angry man who never knew how to NOT hurt a young girls feelings.  He was sweet and loving and my best friend for 20 years, but his addiction to pot and alcohol, a definite lack of motivation and my longing for "more" caused me to lose respect for him...moving on.

When I left my ex-husband it was in part due to my desire to have children, he did not want any and though he was quite content to stay together...we lived in a sexless marriage.  So at an age when my friends were married, being happy homemakers and raising children, I was focused on a career and finding out what my life was really about....moving on.

I discovered many things about my life then...I had a kink that caused me to look further into the bdsm culture.  It was there that i found someone to call "Daddy".  He became the love of my life and my addiction to Him increased daily until there was such a dependency, my life revolved around Him in every way....moving on.

He and I spent 6 years in a very non traditional relationship.  There were highs and lows and every range of emotion in between.  I worshiped Him, however, I couldn't fit into the mold He had for me.  I tried, I honestly thought I'd be able to meet His demands...I did had the ability to do at the time.  He spent His every waking moment on finding a way to make it work...it didn't....moving on.

I bought my own house.  I started over.  Life was way different.  I tried to find love, I longed and desired for all that I'd had before.  For 2 years I found myself in and out of extremely frustrating relationships situations.  I was lied to more often than I care to admit.  I finally committed to making serious changes in my life.  I have spent time on growing and getting healthier both mentally and physically....moving on.

I met a man who I almost gave my life to, an extreme Master who found ways to move me again.  I truly fell in love with Him, but His expectations were more than I could come to grips with...moving on.

When I found myself on my own again I still wanted to be the slave I'd been working on becoming...but somehow that's gotten lost again.  Is it because it's not who I am meant to be?  I think I can't fit into another person's box.  I'd like to think I could follow rules and orders and meet expectations...but I think I will always be a free spirit, someone who tries to please others but no matter how I long to never make mistakes or to be the perfect one for a Master...I'm one of those goofy people that seems to leave a wake of catastrophe behind her, more like Lucy Ricardo than June Cleaver?  Thinking back, I guess Lucy failed in her relationships too.....I wonder if June kept Ward happy for the rest of His life?...moving on. 

Just incase...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucy_Ricardo
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/June_Cleaver

slavitude...there IS life after the cookie crumbles...

It's been a little over 3 months since my last post and a lot of things have been going on. 

It was a little tough letting go of all the plans and dreams of the last year, but when the decision was made there was no looking back.

I've really buckled down though and made a number of changes in my life.  These changes have been rewarded with time spent with people I love and achieving many goals.

Below are just a few highlights of everything that's been going on...

A new firepit and relaxing spot were carved out of the wild space next to the little garden shed

The little garden shed in the middle of a facelift.

Time spent with my favorite buddy

A little yard work, landscaping and flowerboxes are overflowing with blooms

Whitewater rafting in Tennesee

Exploring North Carolina on the Blue Ridge Mountain Parkway

Adding to my collection of waterfalls

another hike down and up a mountain

:-)

Some challenging hiking!

 

 

i just want to say

i am struggling with whether or not to leave collarme chat.  i am the newbie in the current situation i find myself in, and i have no desire to cause drama or even be consoled in a way that puts the blame on anyone but myself.  i also don't want to hear anyone saying things about who or what He is in order to make me feel better, He is honest and clear...and has my respect still. 

However, if you are sitting in judgment of me i wish to share this, especially to all of those good online slave girls, looking to serve a Master they long to be with one day in person.  Whether you or anyone believed my intent was to meet His expectations, it was all done with sincere motive.  i wanted to obey.  Had i made better choices at some moments, i might already be there and none of this would be being written.  Had i acted sooner, i might already be settled in a new life.  i struggled, life is complex and full of "stuff".  Am i a bad person?  There is only one that will judge this and all i can say is, i pray that the judgment is in my favor.  Does that mean i'm not a slave?  i question this every day, and at this point in my life, i hesitate to place labels on myself.  i look at others and see what they are able to endure and sacrifice and i while i view that with admiration, this week, at least, i recognize that i am, who i am, for reasons i'm still trying some days to understand.  

To all who just are curious enough to be reading here, ultimately please know that nothing i did was meant to be a betrayal or hurt anyone.  The love, longing, and respect i had, hasn't changed.

i know that my legitimacy will come into question and all i can say is this about myself, i lied to myself, i thought that there would be a way to not have to endure the punishment and pain that comes with it.  i thought that maybe i could become such a good slave that pain wouldn't have to be a huge part of the bargain, after all, that was all up to me, right?  Ha, i didn't understand or comprehend what "that" kind of pain really was, infact, i've only had a small taste so far and it's been too much.  Sure, i enjoy "sensory play"...but the pain i am talking about, is filled with anxiety, dread, frustration, disappointment and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Having self applied, this type of pain over a period of time, without being able to touch and feel anything other than my own hands...has left me confused and needy.  As a result, i've pulled away, i've hidden, i've avoided, i've frustrated and i've lied, by saying it's something "i can't do" when in reality, of course i "could do it"?  the painful and disappointing truth was, i was not willing to do it...

So, i apologize for the months of "stringing anyone along" for the "fence sitting" for the headaches i've caused, for the frustration i've brought on.  i never intended to do any of those things, ultimately despite the many challenges, i truly thought i belonged there and i believed that i was slowly, resolving all of the issues i had, both in my head and in my day to day life.  i did come a long way during those months of hesitation, while it may have appeared to be at a stand still to everyone on the outside, i was working through a lot of "stuff" on the inside.

So, anyway, Thank You to those who have taught me more about myself along the way, thank You for believing in me and giving me all that You gave...

i hope that i won't always be a "blogger" ... i want to live the life i was meant to live, unfortunately for us all, i got confused and His charms made me long for something i now realize i am currently not willing to give.  i suppose it's better to know this now, than to realize it's been a mistake 6 months from now.  i hope...