...at least until it's right.

So lately every post i write here seems to be about convincing myself of who i am.  What's happened to me, that my place in the lifestyle has become such a mixed up mess of confusion?  Why does suddenly having a Man who can offer me the things i crave suddenly send me into a flight of mental anxiety and fear?  What's happened to my head that i suddenly don't know who or what i need, want, desire, deserve, crave? 

The ease i've always slipped into relationships before is missing now.  The confidence of knowing who and why i am is absent from my interactions. 

i've not changed who i am, i'm still funny (or at least i crack myself up from time to time), confident, honest, sincere, open, easy to talk to, willing to give...these are the qualities that draw people into my inner circle.  They are also the things that sometimes cause people to mistake my open nature for a more intimate situation.

i struggle with saying "no"

i worry that i'm "broken", i worry that i expect too much, i worry that i'll never find "just right"...maybe goldilocks should have made other more appropriate choices?

i still long for love and intimacy and intensity...but i guess i just want it to be as easy as it once was.  Can it be? 

Maybe it's that i am a slave, one that says "i want, i need, and i will or i won't," at least until it's just right ?/./!

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get--Only with what you are expecting to give--which is everything!

What makes you think you are a slavegirl?

Who told you you are a slave?

you are a f*cked up little girl!  It's who you are...OWN IT!

you want to be a slave...but...

maybe you are pretending to be something you aren't

maybe you are trying too hard

maybe you should relax

maybe you should let go ... again ... even if it means you might get hurt...

maybe you shouldn't think so much

maybe you should accept it

maybe it won't be so f*cked up this time

maybe you should just get over yourself

maybe you should forgive

maybe you should let life take it's natural course

maybe being the f*cked up little girl isn't so bad

maybe the f*cked up little girl knows something you don't

maybe the f*cked up little girl can trust

maybe it's not as complicated as it seems

maybe you have to just need to address your soul and not your brain so much...

slave vs. little girl

The last few weeks + have been ones filled with lots of wonder, consideration, anticipation, discovery...on and on.  What it means to be slave, what it means to me to be slave, what "others" might think it means for me to be slave, how do i resolve the conflict in roles between being slave and being little?  i've taken such a close look that sometimes the focus becomes fuzzy and the lines start to blur.

i've listened to many who offer suggestions, thoughts on the matter, expectations, and like when i would go shopping with my girlfriends as a kid, under their influence i end up purchasing a wardrobe full of "someone elses" clothes.

i think the best advice i've gotten is from a Friend who said "you be you...I'll be Me."  Pretty straight forward stuff.  i can't resolve being little vs being slave because it's who i am, both are the same person, i can't give up one to better the other.  If that makes me less of something by your definition, than so be it. 

Does a slave have needs and expectations?  Maybe yes, maybe no, but what she better do is pick an Owner who will meet them without her ever requesting them if she does. 

So, like the masochist who needs her beating from a Saditic Owner though she may deny that she has expectations of Him, i think that this little girl needs to be with a Daddy who knows that every little girl does best and pleases Him most when He keeps her feeling safe, nurtured, cherished and cared for.  He will know that a heart filled with Him will in return serve Him with more passion, committment and adoration that He ever dreamed possible.

Patty Griffin - Top of The World (February 6, 2007)