Here are Phill Sir's words to a visiting Dominant in the room today,
"the ONLY thing you need to find out is if they will OBEY you EAGERLLY, CHEERFULLY, and GRATEFULLY without HESITATION, FAILURE, QUESTION, or COMPLAINT."
As i was reading those words, though i've read them hundreds(?) of times before, i was really reflecting on how they have impacted the slave i have become and who i hope to one day be.
As a slave, there are very very few expectations placed on me at the moment. Without an Owner and because i live on my own, i still basically have the privledge of free will. Because of my devotion to the M&s room and it's inhabitants there are a few expectations that are placed on me, however they are small and should be easy to accomplish.
yet, i still manage to fail
In the past i always thought that a mistake, if unintentional, should be "more allowable" This was a constant battle with my J, because He was frustrated constantly by my carelessness and "unintentional" mistakes. However what He always said to me was this....."when you make a mistake, it's just like saying 'fuck You' to me." When i was with Him and He said those things, i honestly believed that He was being unreasonable. i believed that sweet and loving me, wasn't capable of saying "fuck You" to my Master who i worshiped and adored. i thought He was too strict and was incapable of empathy or understanding what it was to be a slave. That the microscope that i was under was to intense and no one could pass the test of that. i was lucky that He loved me...and wanted me...and took every effort He could to show me ... and o how i strugged to understand and try and fit His needs.... but i just didn't get it. i truely wasn't a slave.....
Had i been with a Dominant whose expectations weren't so high, or who didn't expect His submissive to be slave, i certainly may have been more successful. But all that J wanted me to do was exactly what Phill Sir expects......to OBEY Him EAGERLY, CHEERFULLY, and GRATEFULLY without HESITATION, FAILURE, QUESTION, or COMPLAINT....and isn't that what a slave does without fail?
Every day the battle went on, i was essentially saying "fuck You" to Him over and over and over....until He couldn't take it any more, so...despite loving me, despite the effort He'd poured into training me, despite every detail He'd mapped out for me, despite every kind and considerate doting, endulgement moment He'd ever spent on me..........it came to a painful end
And now, every Man i am attracted to, mentally or physically has not compared. He was basically One of a kind, driven, detailed, without fail, appreciative, caring, kind, loving, devoted, strong, decisive, assertive, bossy, smiling, asshole, committed sort of Guy. His own drive, pushed me, though sometimes i fought it too...it was still the most satisfying and gratifying time in my life. Since Him, i've met One other for Whom i have felt the same attraction to. He has many of the same qualities. It's of course all in a different package, wrapped up with a different bow...but it's all there for me....
So now, this slaves journey i've been on takes a whole new importance, as well as legitimacy. It's been about 6 months since i've been truely exploring and evolving in this role...before J, i never identified as a slave, and then when He said that was His expectation, i tried to fit myself into the role. i thought i was successful, i thought that a commited, doting heart made me a slave...i felt enslaved because of love, and love is good...but despite the goodness in all of that, it does not a slave make.
Six months ago, i was going through a "thing" in my life, disapointed in those i met, unhappy with my own actions. At that point i'd made a committment to myself that it was time to "clean up" my own act. This clean up included a number of things...not submitting to the wrong men anymore, recommitting myself to a healthy lifestyle and finding myself in a way that was true to who i am meant to be and then developing that to it's fullest.
At that same time i joined a group of people who made me feel like family, some Masters, some Owners, some Dominants, some sub, and some slave. In that group was this One who has encouraged me, goaded me, called me out and yelled at me. His honesty knows no limits, He says it like He calls it, whether it's socially acceptable or politically correct. He lives life with the highest regard for His Creator and He leads His slaves as He chooses and doesn't base any of His decisions on what anyone else thinks. He has made me look at who i am...and i've found a lot of fucked up bullshit in what i see.
There hasn't been a metamorphisis, there hasn't been an awakening of a brand new slave, what there has been is the dawning realization that my "unintentional mistakes" were not innocent and forgivable, they were actually failures and "fuck Yous" without the committment i thought i was exibiting. my supposed selfless acts were actually clouded by a self endulgent and self absorbed "poor me" attitude and i was too caught up in what i thought was the unfairness of it all to see that the person not being true to the relationship.......was myself. i know J would say, i told you that over and over during the 6 years we were together, and yes He did, that i was unable to see that i will forever be disapointed in myself and sorry that i fucked it all up. So to everyone who has ever asked me, "what went wrong?" i apologize for me inaccurate descriptions and explanations, J did all that a Master could do to help me find my role as slave, but i failed, despite His patience and determination.
and all i can do now is continue to live my life, and do my best i can with what i have. i hope that i continue to be blessed with those in my life who care and take their valuable time to educate me. i am so grateful for what i have been given...it's brought back to my life a focus that was gone for a while and as i continue to grow and struggle to peer through the clouds of confusion and misunderstanding of who or what i am...i thank God for the clarity of those around me.
