So, life as a part time slave continues.
What do i mean by part time slave you wonder? Well, living long distance from the One you are committed to leaves your life a bit beyond His control. It's not because He doesn't have expectations or limitations, but it's still quite limited compared to what life under His roof would be like.
His name for me is a "pick and choose" slave. He's right of course, i don't allow Him to have impact over my professional life, or to cause me too much discomfort. i do know that once within His reach, that will change completely.
He's been through a lot lately, and it has changed many things about Him. In addition to these outside impacting outside factors, i've also not done as i was told. i've let Him down. i've not served His will...i know i am judged by others, and part of me wonders if those judging would do a better job than i have? The other part of me knows that i am who i am and can only be that person, if He didn't want me, He wouldn't take me...
Am i slave? i ask myself this daily, can i have no limits? can i fulfill His requirements? He's chosen ways to punish me that will hurt beyond a beating. While i've refused the punishment, i know that it is still to come. It causes me a lot of anxiety and debate in my mind...i listen to others talk about their devotion and how they could serve without thought to limits...i have to wonder, is it just me who questions my own ability to serve His extremes, or if faced with the things He demands, would they also struggle? It's always easy to speak the words, but to be able to follow through with them without question is a completely different story, especially when the things are not remotely close to what you've expected as a slave. i've been told that it's easier to serve in person...because the reality is there in front of your face.
i miss the eagerness He used to have, i miss being the girl He was looking for when He came into the chatroom, i miss the connection we used to have when we spent time together. i miss being babygirl, i miss being special.
i understand that as slave, my place is not to expect those things and that to have those things one must be extraordinary and not the defiant mutt He sees me as. Still i feel so discouraged some days and while i know what i have to do to move past it...i know that sleeping in my basement on the dirt floor for the next 6 months, or shaving my head and making myself the ugly mutt He wants me to become are not options for me at this time.
This week i had my home appraised, and i am waiting for my realtor to call in order to put my house up for sale. This will come as a huge shock for many people and it will become a battle with friends and family who can't and won't see this as a safe or sane choice for me to make, and without His support and positive presence in my life...i am really going to struggle...
