So lately life has been changing again. Sometimes I struggle with letting go of what is familiar, and other times I can't wait to begin the next stage of my life.
I was a part of a "golden" team at work for about 15 years. Don't get me wrong there were ups and downs, but we had it all, experience, time together, ambition, dedication, commitment and most importantly we just were all extremely compatible with one another. There was always respect. We became, not just great co-workers, but friends and in some regards we have become family. These are relationships which will exist into our senior years.
But, as in life, things evolve and change...of the golden team, several have moved on, roles have changed and new people have joined us. It isn't the same. It isn't necessarily worse, but it's definitely not what it was. And, for me, it's not as enjoyable, and my passion just isn't what it was. And it's a hard job, with many demands, often insurmountable demands... and my heart isn't always in it anymore.
The people are good, some are great, but they are a younger group who do things differently. I try to not get frustrated when they make the mistakes I learned from years ago, and I patiently correct and catch mistakes before they go to far....but when I find myself saying "good morning" in the mornings to people who reluctantly respond....or I hear myself reassuring others when I am wondering myself if there is any possible solution. Most difficult, I keep smiling and laughing and pushing people to be more light hearted, while I listen to the other manager speak rudely to people on the phone, answer questions in a patronizing and condescending manner and interrupt every conversation in our small office with her negative and controlling two cents about everything.
I never thought I'd be at this point in my life but I WANT OUT! I see the negative impact on the whole agency and I WANT OUT! I have repeatedly spoken to our boss (and friend of many years,) only to be told that I'm the only one that complains, that it's just a personality conflict, that if people have complaint, they should come to her themselves...otherwise she can't do anything about it.
But, when a manager controls people through fear there isn't much room for freedom to speak with those above her. Especially when we are talking about the people who choose this type of career. They are mostly kind and generous but passive and submissive type people who avoid confrontation at all costs.
At this point in my life, I'm not afraid of her, but I find conversations, even about the simplest things difficult. They often become awkward and feel confrontational no matter how I approach her. Partially because I can't stand her condescending tone and repeatedly let her know that there isn't room for it in any conversation we might have.
Honestly it's one of those cases where, most of us know it's just not the way to speak or treat others. It's obvious that she's not mentally healthy (she's a cutter, doesn't eat in front of people, and cringes and gags at anything remotely related to physical intimacy) and I'd like to be supportive of her, but not when she is doing so much damage to something good, something I helped build and something that so many people invested so much love and hard work into...it's a feeling of helplessness, of frustration and anger...and I just don't want to fight the battle anymore........So, I want out...
The next stage is calling! In just about 2 years I will be starting a new life in North Carolina. For better or for worse I am ready for the change. I hope that I can start over and be successful. Ideally, I won't have the same type of career I have now, life is changing, I don't want the pressure anymore, it's someone else's turn. I am tired of not sleeping because I have no answers....I want to do something fun, something exciting, something challenging, but something that doesn't feel so futile....Will I be ok with sacrificing the new shoes or clothes each month? no more eating out 3 or 4 times a week...not being able to shop at the more expensive stores or buy the little things I want when I want them? The answer is yes, oh there will be adjustments to make but finding appreciation for less will be something I will happily embrace! I can't wait!
