i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

 

~E. E. Cummings~

received these lyrics in my fetlife mail today, sent by someone very special!

Santana
The Sensitive Kind lyrics

Don't take her for granted, she had
A hard time

Don't misunderstand her or play
With her mind
Treat her so gently, it will pay you
In time

Youve gotta know she's the
Sensitive kind

Tell her you love her each and
Every night

You will discover she will treat
You right

If you believe, I know you will find
There aint nothin like the
Sensitive kind

She gets so lonely waitin for you
You are the only thing to help
Her through

Don't take her for granted
She has a hard time

You got to know she's the
Sensitive kind

You got to know she's the
Sensitive kind

a Mentor Dom?

So tonight i was in Collar Me chat and a Daddy Dom popped into my window.  Now normally, i just ignore these guys, but He was a little different in His approach.  So, especially since He was a "Daddy" sort i paid extra attention.  W/we talked for a few, and He quickly told me that He already had a little girl.  He asked me some questions about my own experiences and it turned out that W/we got along pretty well.  He seemed "normal" and sincere.  W/we talked about both His girl, and my past relationships a little bit, as well as where i am now regarding relationships.  He commented on some of my more stupid recent experiences and the conversation started turning to Mentorship. 

i'm not really sure how i feel about a Mentor Dom, i mean i am after all 45 years old and should be capable of making wise choices etc.  however, i don't put it all in my blog, but yes, i've made a couple of stupid mistakes when meeting Men lately. 

i was concerned about how His girl would feel about me so He took us all to a yahoo conference room where i met His girl.  She seemed sweet and was encouraging, but i'm not sure she would share concerns with me about her Daddy becoming my Mentor.

it all sounds a little complicated doesn't it? 

Anyway, He asked if i wanted to continue talking and i said yes, He asked if i would like to be friends? and i said yes, and finally He asked would if i like for Him to be my Mentor?  i told Him i thought it might be a good thing, but that i'd take Him out for a test Mentor drive and see where W/we ended up.   So W/we left it at that. 

In the beginning, i think my first Top, kind of mentored me into the lifestyle, and F/friends through the years have helped guide me.  This will be the first "official" mentoring though...W/we will see how it goes, i know i could certainly use someone to help me notices those "red flags" along the way...

big girl

i am doing big girl things today, shopping at Lowes for an outside dryer vent cover (hoping that's a universal thing), picking up a new headlight for my pony, buying a rake (wonder if i can find a pink one?), getting a few groceries.  Those are the kind of tedious things i have to do, but i also get to go clothes shopping and maybe have lunch with a friend.

i also want to get a few fall photos in today, i miss having someone to go photo shooting with, but i need to learn to do a few things on my own, so am going to take my camera and see what pops up. 

Alright, wish me luck with the big girl piece!

peace and respect,
jennie

starting the second week of our two week visit.

That's my boy!

Collars

The two play collars i own.



An email i received made me think about collars today.  While i have a couple of play time collars, they are only for fun.  i miss wearing the collar of my Lover, my Best Friend, my Master.  Wearing the collar of One's owner brings about such feelings of security and belonging.  Most of all though, for me it symbolizes that connection or bond that is between Master and slave, Daddy and little girl, Dom and sub. 

A collar is like an invisible chain connecting Y/you to one another.  The collar, wrapped around your throat, menacingly in some ways, also safely holds You to Him.. The giver of the collar, your Owner, holds the chain, wrapped in His hands or it may even be staked directly to His heart.  It symbolizes the connection between the two of Y/you like nothing else does.

Of course a collar doesn't have to go around ones neck, it may be any symbolic item decided upon between a C/couple, a necklace, a bracelet, an ankle chain, a tattoo, a ring...

i hope one day i am blessed again to belong to Someone who values me enough to collar me.  Until that time, i'll keep looking and hoping and imagining :o)

peace and respect,

jennie

Skooter's Visiting his Daddy...

Skooter is at his Daddy's this last week and next, i really miss him when he's away so yesterday i went and visited him for a little while and got to take a few pictures of him enjoying his time outside.

Miss you little guy!  Can't wait until you are back home with me!

As this Year is Winding Down

Well the one guarentee i've found so far in life is that it changes. Like the seasons, acquaintances come and go, family gets older, and hopefully friendships grow stronger.  As the years end grows nearer i look at the things that have impacted my year, and it's been filled with unusual sadness this time around. 

2009 ended horribly, last December a very close friend lost her stepson to suicide.  The loss their family has dealt with has been almost unbearable for them at times.  It's so hard to watch someone you love, deal with such devastating trauma, and even though he was not my child, he was a part of my family and it's impacted us all.

At that same time, my Daddy/Master of 6 years called it quits, He just couldn't do it anymore.  There were many impacting factors, but non of them made any sense to me.  It was the most traumatic time i've ever been through. 

On top of the trauma we were all experiencing over the death of our friends son...the abandonment i felt was at times beyond my ability to accept.  i did everything i could to change things...but it was all to no avail.

During this time i met Luc.  Luc helped me through so much.  He may never read this post...but i am so thankful for all He did to support me.

Since i've moved into my own home, i've talked to a few Doms that seemed promising, had a few dates, even a short lived relationship, but nothing has even come close to making me feel that "wow" that i've felt before.  It's kind of disapointing...but it's also given me a way to measure whether or not something is going to be enough.

Very recently i've started talking to someone who makes me smile, even when i don't feel like it.  i don't pin all of my hopes on Him, but giving Him the chances He seems deserving of feels right.  Who knows what will happen...but i know that even when my logical side says ugh, not again...my heart says don't give up...

i couldn't resist taking a quick picture!

New Shoes and Knee Highs

i need a a better spot to sit, less busy than the cedar trunk with it's wood grain showing but Y/you get the idea...

Shopping



New Pink Shoes and Knee Highs

 Well, i went shopping yesterday.  i had to get some clothes for work, i've worn most of my jeans out and i think i donated all of my good pants to goodwill when i moved.  So yesterday was a big shopping day.  It was kind of weird shopping on my own.  For the last 6 years, i've not been allowed to have a shopping day on my own.  i went to so many stores i wore myself out! 

i found a new pair of jeans, a nice pair of pants for work, a couple of nice shirts, a new pair of shoes for work, tons of work socks, and then i splurged and bout the pink shoobies you see in the picture above! 

i couldn't help myself.  Everytime i find converse, they are always out of pink in my size...so there was no putting them back on the shelf once i found them.  Then of course i had to have some knee highs to go with them ;o)  i have plenty of ruffly little girl socks so i restrained from buying anything like that. 

i also found some sexy panties that i just had to have...it was a very successful shopping trip!

My Fairie Gardens

i'd Love to be a Fairy's Child

Children born of fairy stock
Never need for shirt or frock,
Never want for food or fire,
Always get their hearts desire:
Jingle pockets full of gold,
Marry when they're seven years old.
Every fairy child may keep
Two ponies and ten sheep;
All have houses, each his own,
Built of brick or granite stone;
They live on cherries, they run wild--
I'd love to be a Fairy's child.

~Robert Graves~

Who i am...Still a Work in Progress

i am adult

i am little,

i am submissive

i long to be forced, bent, broken and put back together….

i am deviant in desires

Right now in my life I am in control about 99.5 percent of the time.  I have to be, I am an adult, with grown up responsibilities.  I am a manager who works 40 or more hours a week, I am a full time student who spends about 6 usually, but sometimes up to 20 hours a week on school, I am a friend, a pet owner, a sometimes care taker of elderly parents, I am a daughter, a sister, and an aunt 15 times over.  I am a home owner, a bill payer, a yard caretaker, and a car owner.  Sometimes all of these things overwhelm me and I want to be someone else…to not be in control.

i am sometimes little, i wear little things, and do little things and  i long to be loved and cherished as little people are.  I sleep with a stuffed animal, i sometimes suck my thumb, i am cuddly and loving and worshipful…i don’t cry when I’m little because in order to be little, i have to feel safe and secure and loved.

As a submissive i am an adult, a woman, who is sexual and desirous of adult things.  i am devoted to pleasing my partner and think about His needs constantly.  i long to be in a day to day relationship, one that’s filled with everyday things, activities, events, i want to share my life with someone special.

i desire to have someone take over my life in a way that ultimate responsibility is no longer mine.  While i don’t expect to give up my responsibilities, i long for Someone who can lead me, guide me, strengthen me.

Sometimes in a scene there is the pleasure of giving, but sometimes a scene means being forced and being forced to bend makes me struggle, and in the struggle there is a loss of power…or control…

i am deviant.  i yearn for someone who will top me both mentally and physically.  i long to be tied, bound, held in chains, the smell of leather makes me wet, having my wrist held forcefully by someone stronger than me makes my heart race, the clank of chain or the click of a lock makes my senses respond like nothing else can.  To be blindfolded and have someone standing over me, who has taken all of my power way…to trust someone enough to know that they will only go as far as i can handle going.  To feel that crop, sting against tender skin, the slap of a hand, the bite of a whip…i am fearful and desirous of these things…

Fall Fun!

i came up with a list of all of my favorite fall time activities!

Most are really fun to do with Y/your Big/little, but for those of Y/you who are like me and stuck on Y/your own this fall season, there are a few that can be fun even when Y/your by Y/yourself.

Visiting the Punkin' Patch

Visiting the Apple Orchard

Taking some cider, or apples or cider doughnuts to work to share with co-workers

Eatting Carmel Apples

Carving a Jack-o-Lantern

Making a centerpiece of fall gourds, leaves or whatever fall items you can find

Taking pictures nature

building a bonfire

having a weenie roast

feeding the squirrels who are hurridly preparing for winter

Going to a fall festival

Taking a scenic fall drive

Raking the leaves into a pile and jumping in them!

Camping

What's your favorite fall activity?

Skooter's Home with me!



Skooter on my bed!

So i went and picked up skooter tonight after work.  i miss him so much when he's not here, and when he comes for his visit i don't want to let him out of my sight.  He's the same with me though, right now, even though he has a window bed not five feet away, he is laying right at my feet.

So we came home and did the normal "getting familiar with the place" routine that we do every time he comes.  He starts with going straight to his food dish, having a bit to eat, a few sips of water, and then straight to the litter box.  Who knows what he's thinking when he does this but it sure does not vary, he is one creature of habit, just like my ex (his daddy) is.  (see previous post for details on custody rights and skooter)  So after his snack, he went to check out the new furniture in the livingroom, he claimed a special spot on the couch and spent some time there grooming, while i watched a lil tv.     

The last hour though i began to realize that besides being tired, i'm achie, my sinus and eyes hurt and after taking  my temp, i have a slight fever.  Oh great!  Sick just in time for the weekend!  Being a little and being sick all by yourself is really hard.  i have someone special in my life but right now, but He can't be here and i can't be there...so i am doing the best i can to keep my spirits up, taking meds to feel a bit better, and hoping that tomorrow i'll feel better and can do the things i'd planned on doing and not be stuck in bed or on the couch feelin' ickie!

much love,

jennie



my kitty, skooter j. skeedaddle



Halloween Kitty

 My skooter thinks he is "all that!" and he is...He's such a handsome boy.  He also has courage and determination that most people would envy.  When skooter was only a few days old, i pulled him from his mother's nest where he lay with 5 of his sibblings.  Each one was perfect until i pulled out skooter.  His little back legs were "scissored" and at his tiny age, we weren't sure how he'd cope.  We began watching him closely, especially since they were outside cats, we were worried that some animal might get him. 

He did great though.  When they were a little bigger, their mother moved them into the fishing boat and they were a blast to play with.  He was active and quite strong and not afraid to tussle with his brothers and sisters. 

When mom finally allowed them to come outside he was right there with them.  His only seeming limitation was that he couldn't jump.  He wasn't as fast as the others, which is probably why when they had gotten a little wild by six weeks old, he was the only one i could still catch.  One day i took him inside, and he's been inside ever since. 

He has so much strength in his two front legs that he can pull himself onto anything that he can get his paws on top of.  And he isn't afraid to jump from any height.  i have steps to many pieces of furniture that are just to high, like my bed and he never hesitates to check a new piece of furniture out.

Because my ex and i have split up, he spends two weeks with me and then with my ex.  At first it was hard and we didn't know if we could make it work, he mourned and called for whoever wasn't there a lot.  i'm so happy to say though he has adjusted.  It's not the ideal situation for him or anyone, but he seems to enjoy being with both of us and has come to thrive in his unique situation. 

i am so thankful for my little guy, he truely is an inspiration!

September Sunset

 Here are a couple of pictures from last nights sunset.  i am always amazed at the way a simple everyday setting, one you don't even bother to glance at normally, can with God's touch, become a beautiful painting of light and color.
"When i admire the wonder of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in worship of the creator."
~Mahatma Ghandi~

i Love Fall!

This is my very favorite time of year.  i am feeling just a little cheated by not having someone special to enjoy it with, but, i've had so many happy times, i guess i can sit back and take a quiet rest this year.  Besides, i'll still find ways to enjoy it on my own, and maybe if i'm a really good girl, i'll get to spend some time enjoying a fall activity or two with a friend.

Love,

jennie

A little out on her own



So, being with a DaddyDom for 6 years was a unique opportunity.  i learned many things that help me be a stronger more independent girl.  When I moved out on my own it was hard at first being without his support, but that support had actually stopped happening way before we even separated.  It just took me a while to realize it.

Now, as the months pass by, and i learn to live on my own again, i find there are many things that I can do better than ever before.  i don’t need his pushing me to be successful, despite what he or even i ever thought, i am quite capable on my own.  He expected my mind to be slave to him…to become in sync with his.  He didn’t appreciate that i am a thoughtful, intelligent girl.  i am not someone who can just turn that intelligence off and on.   

So now, i’m on my own, my brain belongs to no one else.  My heart still plays games with me from time to time and I definitely miss that daily special feeling of waking up and serving the person you love with your whole heart.  But, i’m open to the possibilities that surround me.  i’ve learned that there are Dom’s and Daddies out there who don’t rely on anger and yelling to get their point across. 

i believe it will happen for me, maybe it’s even in the process of happening right now, who knows what the future holds.  Patience and hope for the future will see me through.

Love,

jennie

The Punkin' Patch

The PUNKIN's are the STAR Attraction!

Going to the Punkin' Patch has always been on of my favorite fall activities.  It's especially a fun day with Daddy or Mommy when you are a "little."  Diapered or not it there is just something sweet and innocent about petting the animals, seeing and smelling all the wonderful fall activities going on, and of course picking out the perfect PUNKIN'.  The fun doesn't end there either, taking a punkin' home, big or small, one or more, there's still fun in decorating for fall at your own home as well as carving a special jack-o-lantern.

The Gourds make for a Pretty Picture!

This was a BEAUTIFUL huge Mum Plant, i wanted to take them Home to Plant in my Own Yard!

Bright and Shiney PUNKIN's!

The Corn Maze is a LOT of FUN for Daddy and little

The Animals are my Favorite Part! ....Here Chicky Chick Chick!



This nest of Little Bunnies was the CUTEST thing ever, i just wanted to Snuggle in there with 'em!

Even the Birdies were photogenic on this day.

me!  ... i had them baby goats eattin' right out of my hand!  Don't forget your change so you can purchase the handfuls of "animal chow" they have in the little gumball machines.  little's love feeding the baby animals!

Hungry?

And the Final part of the trip, Pickin' your PUNKIN!

Them punkin's is DIRTY!

Yea!  the perfect PUNKIN'!

Oh and Daddies and Mommies, You'll need to remember your camera, the Punkin' Patch is the perfect opportunity to snap plenty of pics of your little enjoying their day!

Have Fun!

Love,
jennie

A New Start

So a lot of things have changed for me lately, and i think i am back on the right track. i have really been missing my lil girl at heart blog but just haven't wanted to continue posting on my old blog (of the same name) because all of my past hurts and pains are so fully exposed on it's posts.

i finally decided to start anew, a brand new page, just like my life. It's the same concept, same girly (me) and even the same title, just a different look and a different link.

Thank Y/you for taking the time to stop in and visit. Hopefully there will be many happy posts to come!

much love,
jennie