Well the one guarentee i've found so far in life is that it changes. Like the seasons, acquaintances come and go, family gets older, and hopefully friendships grow stronger. As the years end grows nearer i look at the things that have impacted my year, and it's been filled with unusual sadness this time around.
2009 ended horribly, last December a very close friend lost her stepson to suicide. The loss their family has dealt with has been almost unbearable for them at times. It's so hard to watch someone you love, deal with such devastating trauma, and even though he was not my child, he was a part of my family and it's impacted us all.
At that same time, my Daddy/Master of 6 years called it quits, He just couldn't do it anymore. There were many impacting factors, but non of them made any sense to me. It was the most traumatic time i've ever been through.
On top of the trauma we were all experiencing over the death of our friends son...the abandonment i felt was at times beyond my ability to accept. i did everything i could to change things...but it was all to no avail.
During this time i met Luc. Luc helped me through so much. He may never read this post...but i am so thankful for all He did to support me.
Since i've moved into my own home, i've talked to a few Doms that seemed promising, had a few dates, even a short lived relationship, but nothing has even come close to making me feel that "wow" that i've felt before. It's kind of disapointing...but it's also given me a way to measure whether or not something is going to be enough.
Very recently i've started talking to someone who makes me smile, even when i don't feel like it. i don't pin all of my hopes on Him, but giving Him the chances He seems deserving of feels right. Who knows what will happen...but i know that even when my logical side says ugh, not again...my heart says don't give up...
i am sometimes little, i wear little things, and do little things and i long to be loved and cherished as little people are. I sleep with a stuffed animal, i sometimes suck my thumb, i am cuddly and loving and worshipful…i don’t cry when I’m little because in order to be little, i have to feel safe and secure and loved. 
Sometimes in a scene there is the pleasure of giving, but sometimes a scene means being forced and being forced to bend makes me struggle, and in the struggle there is a loss of power…or control… 
i am deviant. i yearn for someone who will top me both mentally and physically. i long to be tied, bound, held in chains, the smell of leather makes me wet, having my wrist held forcefully by someone stronger than me makes my heart race, the clank of chain or the click of a lock makes my senses respond like nothing else can. To be blindfolded and have someone standing over me, who has taken all of my power way…to trust someone enough to know that they will only go as far as i can handle going. To feel that crop, sting against tender skin, the slap of a hand, the bite of a whip…i am fearful and desirous of these things…
The last hour though i began to realize that besides being tired, i'm achie, my sinus and eyes hurt and after taking my temp, i have a slight fever. Oh great! Sick just in time for the weekend! Being a little and being sick all by yourself is really hard. i have someone special in my life but right now, but He can't be here and i can't be there...so i am doing the best i can to keep my spirits up, taking meds to feel a bit better, and hoping that tomorrow i'll feel better and can do the things i'd planned on doing and not be stuck in bed or on the couch feelin' ickie!
