Awakening

So, i am not sure i am quite ready to put into words the things that have been floating around inside my head or not but i am going to make the attempt..

So, i have a terrible habit of making mistakes when it comes to relationships in my life.  Over the years it seems i've gone from one mistake to the next.  i don't have regrets, or wish that i'd done anything differently, it's been my life and the men i've been involved with for the most part have been good people, just people struggling the same as me with how a relationship is supposed to work.

Relationship #1
At age 14 i'd known this young man almost all of my life.  He went to the same church, sunday school, school and lived in my neighborhood.  i'd had a crush on him and eventually he had noticed me.  Looking back, this young man had some issues, i don't know what they were, and he left town and never looked back when he went to college so i don't know exactly what happened to him.  i have wondered over the years if maybe he was gay, though he was interested in sex.  i mention him however because i think i was submissive from the very start.  Looking back, i submitted to him in many ways.  He and i had a very strong friendship to begin with and the submission was something i just don't think he or i knew what to do with.

Relationship #2
This young man has grown into a great friend over the years and we are still very close.  We were each other's first sexual experience and continued to be one anothers off and on sexual partner well into our 20's and almost up until we each married in 1990.  He was a great friend, taught me many things about life, nutured my spirit and gave me a sense of confidence that i might never have developed otherwise.

Relationship #3
So, at age 17 i met my future husband.  He was 5 years older and a very unsettled young man.  What attracted me to him was his sense of freeness.  He was loving and kind and the exact opposite of my Father, so i fell for him hard.  We had an on again off again relationship for many years.  Those years included college for me and him moving around for jobs.  Finally in the late '80's he landed a good job in a little town and we moved there together.  We were married when i was about 25.  Though we were one anothers best friend, sex was almost non existant and eventually was non existant for about the last 8 years of our marriage.  He struggled in and out of jobs over the years, smoked way too much weed, drank too much and by 2000 i ended the marriage.  It was tough saying goodbye to my best friend of many years but i knew i wanted something more. 

i lost many good friends at that point in my life, i really took a great deal of time to decide who i was and who i would become.  After much reflection and the help of the internet i discovered a part of me that i'd kept buried for a long time. 

Relationship #4
Right before my divorce was finalized i met someone special.  He is still special and if it could have been right i'd have stayed forever.  He is a sweet heart but as we all know a submissive girl doesn't crave the sweetheart, she wants someone big and tough and aggressive.  We were together a couple of years long distance then as time often changes things...and life moves us forward, we came to an end.  We had some wonderful times together though and great experiences with memories i'll always treasure.

i stayed single, though dating lifestylers for about four years.  i discovered many things about myself, that i was an ab/dl, that i was submissive and always had been, that i wanted to devote myself to one good man who had the same ethics and values that i have.

Relationship #5
It was 2004 that i met and moved in with my Master/Daddy J.  W/we were together for 6 years.  Those years were both incredible and devastating.  There was such intensity yet W/we could never seem to be on the same page.  i loved Him like i've loved no other, and if it could have worked, it would have made my life complete.  Unfortunately W/we couldn't make it work and on January 1st of 2010 He released me.

Again i began dating, i've really struggled with men over the last 2 years.  It seems like lies and deceit are so common that people don't blink twice.  i have had a few short lived relationships not worth mentioning, and made a couple of friends.  No one however has stood out and been the One i seek. 

Relationship #6
i thought i had found Him, but after six months of extreme stories and struggles, He disapeared, His "brother" came online last night to tell me that He had actually passed away and that was why i hadn't heard from Him.  It was hard to open that page again after i'd written Him off as a liar. 
It hurt a lot to talk about Him to this person, and i cried a lot, i admit i almost wanted to believe the brother, not because i wanted Him to be dead, but because then i wouldn't feel so deceived and abandoned.  But then the brother slipped up.  i asked the brother about the son of the Man whom i'd been involved with.  i called His son by name.  The brother also had a son who the Man i was involved with was supposedly close to.  When i asked the brother about "Brandon" the brother assumed i meant i was asking about his, the brothers own son, but Brandon was the name of the Man i'd been involed with.  i am pretty sure the brother wouldn't mix up the name of his own child with the name of his nephew.  At that point i basically just gave him my condolance and said goodbye.  i have no desire to keep anything in that relationship alive.  Oh what a tangled web we weave....

So over the last few months, i've thought a lot about how i fell for such a person, how he manipulated me and put me through so much.  How every man i seem to talk to wants only one thing.  How the men i've dated expect me to fall into their bed on the first date. 

i realized something.  i have let those men treat me that way...it's not what they've gotten away with...it's what i've allowed.  Because i haven't expected any better from them....i haven't gotten it.  And, if a man does treat me badly, i always just pretend i don't see it.  It's hard to change that about myself.  i want so much to be loved...  The funny thing is, those who do love me, who are my friends, who know my value as a person, admonish me all the time for letting men take advantage of me.  Well, i don't want to be that girl any more.  i've always had this fear that if i say, "no, don't talk like that to me" or "no, i don't want to do that yet." that they would walk away, however, if i allow them to get away with those things, i'm not finding myself in the company of Men i really want to be with. 

So, today i am making the committment to myself and to no one else.  i will no longer listen to that which makes me uncomfortable, i will no longer do the things that make me wish i hadn't afterwards.  This is a kink lifestyle i've chosen however, it is not a kink life....it if it my life and the kink is just to enhance....when the time is right...those things will enhance....but until then if You expect what i'm not willing to give, either accept it or move on....until the time is right, You are not my Master and i will not submit to One who can't wait for me to get to the level that makes it right.