i just want to say

i am struggling with whether or not to leave collarme chat.  i am the newbie in the current situation i find myself in, and i have no desire to cause drama or even be consoled in a way that puts the blame on anyone but myself.  i also don't want to hear anyone saying things about who or what He is in order to make me feel better, He is honest and clear...and has my respect still. 

However, if you are sitting in judgment of me i wish to share this, especially to all of those good online slave girls, looking to serve a Master they long to be with one day in person.  Whether you or anyone believed my intent was to meet His expectations, it was all done with sincere motive.  i wanted to obey.  Had i made better choices at some moments, i might already be there and none of this would be being written.  Had i acted sooner, i might already be settled in a new life.  i struggled, life is complex and full of "stuff".  Am i a bad person?  There is only one that will judge this and all i can say is, i pray that the judgment is in my favor.  Does that mean i'm not a slave?  i question this every day, and at this point in my life, i hesitate to place labels on myself.  i look at others and see what they are able to endure and sacrifice and i while i view that with admiration, this week, at least, i recognize that i am, who i am, for reasons i'm still trying some days to understand.  

To all who just are curious enough to be reading here, ultimately please know that nothing i did was meant to be a betrayal or hurt anyone.  The love, longing, and respect i had, hasn't changed.

i know that my legitimacy will come into question and all i can say is this about myself, i lied to myself, i thought that there would be a way to not have to endure the punishment and pain that comes with it.  i thought that maybe i could become such a good slave that pain wouldn't have to be a huge part of the bargain, after all, that was all up to me, right?  Ha, i didn't understand or comprehend what "that" kind of pain really was, infact, i've only had a small taste so far and it's been too much.  Sure, i enjoy "sensory play"...but the pain i am talking about, is filled with anxiety, dread, frustration, disappointment and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Having self applied, this type of pain over a period of time, without being able to touch and feel anything other than my own hands...has left me confused and needy.  As a result, i've pulled away, i've hidden, i've avoided, i've frustrated and i've lied, by saying it's something "i can't do" when in reality, of course i "could do it"?  the painful and disappointing truth was, i was not willing to do it...

So, i apologize for the months of "stringing anyone along" for the "fence sitting" for the headaches i've caused, for the frustration i've brought on.  i never intended to do any of those things, ultimately despite the many challenges, i truly thought i belonged there and i believed that i was slowly, resolving all of the issues i had, both in my head and in my day to day life.  i did come a long way during those months of hesitation, while it may have appeared to be at a stand still to everyone on the outside, i was working through a lot of "stuff" on the inside.

So, anyway, Thank You to those who have taught me more about myself along the way, thank You for believing in me and giving me all that You gave...

i hope that i won't always be a "blogger" ... i want to live the life i was meant to live, unfortunately for us all, i got confused and His charms made me long for something i now realize i am currently not willing to give.  i suppose it's better to know this now, than to realize it's been a mistake 6 months from now.  i hope...