evolution of my slavitude

When i first met J, i was someone most would have considered a "subbie".  i was used to scening and playing with a Dom, but had never really had a long term serious relationship with any Dominant.  J and i connected from the first few moments, i don't know why, we just did.  i remember early on in the relationship, having our first conversation about where our journey was taking us.  He was telling me who and what He wanted, and as i lay there, listening, hanging on His every word, looking around at His world, i knew that i wanted to be in that spot for a lifetime.  When He said the word slave, i don't know if i even flinched, i knew i could serve Him, because i knew i had come home.

People, especially other Dominants often ask me where He and i went wrong after 6 years.  i never really have a good answer to that.  i've given a few answers over the last couple of years, i've said things like i couldn't please Him because He was unpleaseable.  i've said His expecations were too much for me.  i've said we were just both fighting a loosing battle with no one right or wrong.  More recently, i've begun to see my own faults more clearly.  Maybe i didn't understand what it meant to be slave.  Maybe i wasn't ready to be slave.  ......mabye because i wasn't ready for that journey in my life yet?   Either way, i wasn't slave, i loved, i longed to please and i struggled to do the best i could, but there was something missing.  It was slavitude, pure and simple. 

Maybe if we could of looked at the 6 year journey and seen where we started to where we had come to, maybe we could of seen the things we'd accomplished, but the level of frustration, the challenges we'd fought, the journey had gotten mucked up somehow and it was at a stalemate. 

i don't know if He ever took the time to see how He'd taken a messed up, strangely independent, struggling, confused distrustful woman, and softened her, brought her to His side, developed her confidence and taught her skills where she had been lacking her entire life.  He made a home for them, with an element of safety and security that she'd never experienced. He gave her a family life and a sense of belonging that she'd never had, experiences that she'd only dreamed of and a heart to hold and love and cherish.

i longed to be all He wanted me to be, yet, i couldn't get there.  Over the two and a half years since we split up, i've known many men, some Dom wannabees and some Dominant to the core.  i've learned something from each one, as well as lessons learned from friends i've met along my journey.

These are the things i know now that i didn't know before and i pray that they are enough in my next relationship...

• As a slave it isn't enough to want to serve, to love someone or to offer respect.  It takes a special combination of all three of these things to give oneself in the manner expected of a slave.  Protocol isn't optional, it's a necessity that sets boundries and reminds one of who they are and how they are to act.  Respecting someone on the inside, isn't enough, it has to be shown and seen daily during moments of love and moments of humility.
• Being a slave doesn't include a pick and choose option.  It isn't open for discussion.  It isn't if the sun is shining or the stars in the heaven are right tonight sorta thing.  It is a 24/7 every moment of every day, it's a He is right or even more right sort of thing.  It is with a joyous heart and a trust that is paramount to no other that a slave accepts her Owners words without question or hesitation.  she accepts the slide down the hill and the ride on the ski lift as willingly as she does the expectation for clean socks in the morning.
• A compatible, honest, trustworthy Owner is not easy to find.  Trust is not a word that can be given easily and finding someone who is worthy of that trust is near to impossible. Valuing what one has been blessed with is important to remember at every moment.  It's not just about enjoying the "roadtrips" or gifts and rewards, it's also about recognizing how important it is to value all aspects of the relationship.  Recognizing what it means to kneel at His feet, to belong to Him, to bring Him comfort and to fill His world so that He knows His slaves value.
• Finally it's about being able to be humble, to be able to know my faults without them being pointed out, to know that my place is where He puts me, that He deserves my requests for permission no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to be to me.  If He expects it, i must give it at all times, not choosing or assuming or guessing, i am His to command and i will serve...humbly, sincerely and unquestioningly.