An End to 2013

New Years Eve.  A time for thinking over the past year, assessing, wondering if I'm going the direction I should be going?  Being true to myself?  Giving all I can?

For over a year now I've left "casual" behind and have only invested in what I know to be possibility.  Every day I wonder, and pray that I'm making the right decisions, choices.... and I set my mind to doing everything I know to do to make it go right...

For a while I've wanted to write about how I'm feeling.....but my brain has felt clogged, filled with too many feelings, fears, overwhelming emotions to even get it written down.

But, I am going to try and say what I need to say now...

In my entire life, I've given the most I've ever had to give to one person.  Since we met You've never left my head for even one day for 10 solid years.  When we separated I struggled to forget You.  I tried to replace You, I spent so much effort in trying to flood my brain with anything but You, yet like a tree that's planted it's roots deep in my soul, I can't seem to remove You.

Somehow we have become involved again, yet this time we don't seem to have a direction.  Once I would have pleaded to make it what it once was....but what once was just didn't work...so it needs to be something else....what that something else is?  Neither of us seems to know.

For a while I thought I'd changed, enough so that we could maybe salvage what we had....I've come to realize that while I've grown.  I haven't changed enough...I will always be who I am and infact there was a time when I wanted desperately to make myself change...but now I just kind of know...I am who I am....love me or not....

I can see you have very little patience with me...and it takes very little for me to frustrate or annoy You...it would seem that You are less patient and more frustrated with me than with anyone else in your life...I don't know that's something You could even change....but i do know it's something i can't change

more than anything....even the threat of losing every possibility of being a part of Your life...I want to be loved and accepted for who and what I am....it's just too tiring to try and be someone else...and it hurts to much knowing that I  never am enough.

So, I'm scared as hell to say what I've written here...because as I've said, I've never once in 10 solid years have i stopped loving You, adoring You and hoping for You...but I hold myself in a quiet state of reserve...hoping one day lightening will strike, the earth will shake, God himself would hit You over the head with the knowledge that somehow I'm enough....but he never does...

You're tree may grow in my soul for the rest of my life...You may move on to another...and I may be left alone to always miss You....to spend my life alone.....but I can only offer who and what I am.....and if it's not enough......it just isn't enough..........

I've been told by others that You'd never have let me leave if You truly loved me and wanted me....I tried to believe that was true...but then I always remember that one moment during the worst possible time in my life, You  whispered in my ear (You thought I was sleeping but I wasn't)  You whispered that I would always belong to You.....and oh how at times I have wished that wasn't so...that I'd never heard You say those words...but You did say them....and I've clung to them even when i haven't wanted to....and  now only God knows what is in store for us....

I'm scared that this is just a passing thing for You...that one day You'll say, "Hey, I've got someone else now and don't have time for you."  so I hold myself in reserve...scared of being left without You again....so not quite letting myself belong to You...unsure of that You even want me....


You are my heart, I truly believe You will always be the love of my life........

but if Your not able to find what You need in me....then You should move on....so we both have a chance to find what's right...

That's not what I want to say...I want to beg You to be my Daddy...for You to let me belong to You once again.....to be Your slave, Your baby....but only You know if we should continue...if we should take this risk...or if You even want it....

It's all confusing....and I don't know where You stand...if You want me at all or maybe You don't.......but I had to say what I've said......and I won't bring it up again unless You want to talk about it......You now know how I feel but i won't push for more without Your encouragement.....it's in Your power to make whatever decision You think is best...