Happy Valentines Day!

Writing for me is Cathartic...

Continuing Vanilla

Tonight we set the plans. He wanted to pick me up at my house, He says how it's kind of insulting that I don't trust him enough to come to my home and drive me to the movie and dinner. But, he listened to my concerns...

He didn't understand that the last man I let into my home took me without my consent on my living room floor. I am submissive, I had allowed it somehow by inviting that man into my home. I am submissive, I am well aware of the unwritten codes between dominant men and submissive women. I am submissive, I thought I had managed in my head to make it "ok".

He didn't understand that more than once a man has taken me in his car without my consent. I was very young and very stupid, and I kind of didn't want to say "no" it was exciting. I was eager and naïve, I fell for his reason that he wanted to go for a drive by his friend's house. I was lonely and really hoping he was the one, I thought that if I pleased him it would increase our chances of it working.

What I didn't plan or even know myself is that in the last few years I've grown very fearful, but I've also gained a voice. It doesn't make me less wanting to please, it doesn't make me less submissive, it doesn't make me less desirable. It actually makes me more confident that I know what I want, and that I won't have sacrificed my own convictions. Right or wrong, it's who I need to be.

We communicated and he understood. He will meet me at the movie theatre. I know He is making a great effort to meet me at my level of comfort. I know it isn't necessarily making Him happy....but He says He sees so much possibility that he is willing to not "win" this one.

I love a good Dominate Man.....one that recognizes that even though He might want something a certain way, there are times that it's important to give, in order to have......

Some Vanilla He Turned Out to Be

You're so fun and I'm so enjoying talking to you. I don't want to hang up when it get's late...I can't wait until Saturday when we finally meet, going to see a movie, having dinner...safe, neutral things as promised.

We've already established that while we met on a "vanilla" site, you are no stranger to bdsm.  You seem to understand my kink, what little we have talked about it.  But I was not telling you all of my kinks.  Oh, I wanted to, but a diaper fetish and  wanting to call you Daddy, those things are not even always understood by people on Fetlife, let alone someone one met in POF.

We have our first date planned for Saturday, I'm hoping it goes well.  You say I'm very protective of myself, more so than any woman you've met.
You've wondered about it, but you understand, You're being careful.  You say things like "I normally go after and get what I want like a bull in a china shop."  but You recognize that I might explode if you move to fast.  You're giving me time, the space I need, you recognize that you could trigger my emergency button and everything would be lost.

I told you days ago that You weren't ready for "all of it"  That when the time was right I'd tell you about "it" but that I didn't want to scare you....
I wanted to tell you that I already felt compelled to call you "Daddy".  I wanted to tell you that my deepest darkest secret was that I get off on being diapered.  But I didn't want to jeopardize what we've started to build.

Tonight I had to tell you it all, even if it meant you ran.  I needed to let you know that my kink might just be too much for you. so much so, that you'd want to run away.
I started to tell you, oh, you had guesses, but nothing like what I was about to tell you.  I wished we'd been together and I could have shown you things online so you wouldn't get "icky" pictures in your head.  It was really hard to share it because I really, really like you and didn't want to chase you away.

I said, "I'm a 'little,'" and I asked you if you knew what that meant?  You did know, you even knew that it included diapers (you, Sir, are definitely not your average vanilla...) and you said to me, "You need what you need and I want to give you that."  Before we hung up You reminded me that you are still looking forward to Saturday, and that you would talk to me tomorrow night....
Too good to be true?

Random Guy

Randomly you appeared in my search list, just another local guy on a vanilla site.

I hardly ever look at local guys, the chance of someone local that fits with me, just seems so slim. But, I read your profile, nice looking man, several same interests, why not I thought, and I hit that little button, the one that doesn’t require you to type anything. He’ll know I’m interested I thought, but not much effort went into it, after all, hunting feels so useless, I'm not sure how much effort I really want to exert on something that seems so improbable.

A day or so went by…I’d almost forgotten you. But, you messaged me back "Hey there to you" you responded (apparently my "why not" button says "hey you".) I was busy that day though, I didn’t see your response. You came back later that same day, before I could respond, you wrote another note, "Jen, checked out your profile just now and noticed a trend. You don't let any grass grow under your feet do you? When I read your messages, I noticed several things, first I noticed that you’d come back a second time, I noticed that you’d noticed me, I noticed that you’d made an effort, as much as one can make maybe on a site like that, you'd also studied my photos and thought about who I was, and you'd managed to make me laugh. We’ve been communicating ever since. At first you were just "this guy", but you’ve been slowly showing me who you are and I find myself more and more intrigued. In fact you haven’t left my thoughts all day.

I’m scared, you’re definitely not who I expected to enter my life, but there is something so familiar, so intriguing, so comfortable. I already trust you too much...It’s dream like, it’s shocking at times, and so often when you’re talking, I’m smiling and nodding.

More than once I've jumped to quick, I am definitely being cautious this time, but I can't help be a little bit hopeful :-)