Go to sleep little bear

I was chasing clouds on my way home tonight.  I kept driving around trying to find the right place to take the picture, but there were either wires or transformers or a line of trees or too many cars to stop there....And by the time i finally found a couple of spots to stop...I'd really had already missed the best photos opportunities.  "I'm a day late and a dollar short" my parents would always say about me ...

 

I kind of feel that way about my life sometimes too.  I'm driving and looking and trying to find the best vantage point and in the mean time I've missed the whole parade...

 

What's happened to me lately, things were feeling so "sorted" but i look sideways at a Dominant man and i loose myself all over again.

 

It feels like nothing has changed with my level of confidence as a slave...i still feel like every other slave has it all figured out and I'm still trying to understand...

I'm 51 years old for gosh sakes...and I've served...

Maybe it takes being in a healthy relationship to feel that way?  Maybe then the doubt goes away...

 

Maybe it's time for bed...

Life Stages

So lately life has been changing again.  Sometimes I struggle with letting go of what is familiar, and other times I can't wait to begin the next stage of my life.

I was a part of a "golden" team at work for about 15 years.  Don't get me wrong there were ups and downs, but we had it all, experience, time together, ambition, dedication, commitment and most importantly we just were all extremely compatible with one another.  There was always respect.  We became, not just great co-workers, but friends and in some regards we have become family.  These are relationships which will exist into our senior years.

But, as in life, things evolve and change...of the golden team, several have moved on, roles have changed and new people have joined us.  It isn't the same.  It isn't necessarily worse, but it's definitely not what it was.  And, for me, it's not as enjoyable, and my passion just isn't what it was.  And it's a hard job, with many demands, often insurmountable demands... and my heart isn't always in it anymore.

The people are good, some are great, but they are a younger group who do things differently.  I try to not get frustrated when they make the mistakes I learned from years ago, and I patiently correct and catch mistakes before they go to far....but when I find myself saying "good morning" in the mornings to people who reluctantly respond....or  I hear myself reassuring others when I am wondering myself if there is any possible solution.  Most difficult, I keep smiling and laughing and pushing people to be more light hearted, while I listen to the other manager speak rudely to people on the phone, answer questions in a patronizing and condescending manner and interrupt every conversation in our small office with her negative and controlling two cents about everything. 

I never thought I'd be at this point in my life but I WANT OUT!  I see the negative impact on the whole agency and I WANT OUT!  I have repeatedly spoken to our boss (and friend of many years,) only to be told that I'm the only one that complains, that it's just a personality conflict, that if people have complaint, they should come to her themselves...otherwise she can't do anything about it. 
But, when a manager controls people through fear there isn't much room for freedom to speak with those above her.  Especially when we are talking about the people who choose this type of career.  They are mostly kind and generous but passive and submissive type people who avoid confrontation at all costs. 

At this point in my life, I'm not afraid of her, but I find conversations, even about the simplest things difficult.  They often become awkward and feel confrontational no matter how I approach her.  Partially because I can't stand her condescending tone and repeatedly let her know that there isn't room for it in any conversation we might have.

Honestly it's one of those cases where, most of us know it's just not the way to speak or treat others.  It's obvious that she's not mentally healthy (she's a cutter, doesn't eat in front of people, and cringes and gags at anything remotely related to physical intimacy) and I'd like to be supportive of her, but not when she is doing so much damage to something good, something I helped build and something that so many people invested so much love and hard work into...it's a feeling of helplessness, of frustration and anger...and I just don't want to fight the battle anymore........So, I want out...

The next stage is calling!  In just about 2 years I will be starting a new life in North Carolina.  For better or for worse I am ready for the change.  I hope that I can start over and be successful.  Ideally, I won't have the same type of career I have now, life is changing, I don't want the pressure anymore, it's someone else's turn.  I am tired of not sleeping because I have no answers....I want to do something fun, something exciting, something challenging, but something that doesn't feel so futile....Will I be ok with sacrificing the new shoes or clothes each month? no more eating out 3 or 4 times a week...not being able to shop at the more expensive stores or buy the little things I want when I want them?  The answer is yes, oh there will be adjustments to make but finding appreciation for less will be something I will happily embrace!  I can't wait! 

I am the lottery!

Mother's Day 2016

Yesterday was Mother's day and after a breakfast out with J, I went to see my Mom.  My parents live in a nice smallish town about 45 minutes away.  The town has everything they need including a Hospital, and fast food places.  My parents are going to be 92 this year, Mom in July and Dad in November.  They own their own home and still live independently.  About 10 years ago my Dad was diagnosed with early Alzhiemers Disease  and my Mom has had Osteoperosis and Arthritis for 15+ years now, all of which impact their lives more and more as time wears on for them.  The good news is they compliment one another well, Dad is physically fit as a fiddle and Mom's mind is as sharp as a tack, (for 92 year olds) so they are able to manage daily life pretty well.  Dad still drives them around their little town so they are able to get out of the house now and again for both Dr. visits, picking up scripts at Walmart or going out and having a bite at Burger King.  My two brothers and I try to pick up a little of their slack, getting them to bigger medical appointments, grocery runs, making and freezing meals for them and doing laundry when we can.  One of us usually sees them at least once a week, often more often, and a few of their nieces and nephews stop by to say hi and help fill their lonely time.

Just last weekend my Mom had her first "mini stroke."  It's been frightening, she had an additional one a few days later.  Each time they went to the hospital on their own, no phonecall until they got home.  As we move onward from those days, we are finding out more from and about my Mom.  She's been having random headaches, something very unusual for her.  The Dr. also wanted to keep her over night for tests each time but she refused as she didn't want Dad going home alone.  Nevermind that she could of called any one of us kids, the closest of us being 40 minutes away [He was out of state during the first event, she says she did call him, but no one else] the second time she forgot their cell phone at home so called me when they finally got home that night.
Saturday my brothers both went and saw her.  We went together and purchased a medical alert necklace when she promises she will now wear.  I think it will take some time to get used to it, but by the time I saw her on Mother's Day (a day later) she seemed resolved, and understood the importance of having the paramedics and ambulance come vs having Dad take her to the hospital.

It is a frightening, and my Mom is scared.  When I arrived Sunday I was all ready to discuss what had been going on and to chew her out.  She however, wasn't going to have anything to do with that conversation and basically ignored my questions and prompting.  So, I let it drop, I didn't want to ruin her day or cause a rift between us.  As the day wore on, she talked more and more about the events of the week and conversation went more naturally.   Several things I discovered, One, she obviously is having more memory loss issues, whether from the mini strokes?  or just from being overwhelmed.  During a discussion about her scheduled hospital and Dr. appointment I asked if my oldest brother would be taking her (I'd had conversation with my brothers indicating that he would be, but there's some weird/control issues with him so I'm never certain exactly how things are playing out between him and my parents.)  She told me "no, your Dad is taking me."  (my brother usually does take them to big appts.)  When I questioned this, she said my brother could go along if he wanted but didn't I think my dad SHOULD take her?  At this point she was very adamant and feisty so I let that drop.  Though, she didn't remember what time they were to be at the hospital the next day and kept asking my Dad.  (Remember my Dad was diagnosed with Alzhiemers about 10 years go and isn't the most helpful with remembering things)

About an 2 hours before I left we went to the back deck and I did some planting of flowers I'd brought for Mothers Day.  Dad and I fiddled around in the yard a little bit and Mom sat quietly on the deck.  She's never sat still, and when there is a task it's still hard to get her to do, but yesterday when things are slow, she sat quietly, it seemed she was contemplating, maybe even a little zoned out? I'm not sure what that's about, whether it's the mini stroke or if it's anxiety and fear of what's coming?  When I finally sat down with her, she confided that she is scared.  We began talking about what it means to have a stroke.  She was fearful that it would leave her paralyzed if she has another one.  I pulled up some information on my phone and read a bit of it to her.  I read, "rarely do strokes cause death anymore, due to available treatment that's been available for the last 15 years."  I actually said to her, "for the last 15 years Dr's have come up with medicine and what you have is treatable.  A stroke is scary, but, I know many people who bounce back from it.  I know young people who have had them, who I work with every day.  The most important thing is to go to the Dr.  have the tests run, see what they prescribe and follow their directions.  And the most important thing is to not be doing a lot of activity if you think you are having one again.  That is why the Medical Alert necklace is so important!"  She then said the Dr. told her to get to the hospital right away if she had any of the signs she's felt recently. So we talked about how if she uses the necklace to call the ambulance, they will start treating her before she even leaves home.  She said "when she goes herself to ER, it feels like she has to wait to be seen."  Perfect opportunity for me to stress again, "The ambulance doesn't even stop for red lights and stop signs, they will be here (at the house) way faster than if they drove to the hospital! 

She next told me that when my brothers had left the day before she'd started to feel scared, and that her hands had felt funny, she then said or more like asked... nerves can make your hands feel a little numb like when you have a stroke?  I think that it sounded more like maybe she was experiencing some anxiety at that point, a small panic attack, she said both brothers had called her after they left and before they even reached home to see if she was ok, and she said she felt much better then. (they must of sensed something then)

She's scared to be alone, even with Dad there, he's not the most reliable, even though when she signed up, he was the rock!.  We've all spent so much time "making her see the severity of the situation"  I don't think anyone had taken time to reassure her, and she's feeling very vulnerable.

I know how hard it is to be alone, despite friends, there is a type of vulnerability that comes when one is alone.  I feel for my Mom, I haven't experienced having children of my own, but I imagine it's similar, you want to protect those you love, especially the most vulnerable.  I feel helpless, I know that age is something I can't stop, but I don't want her to hurt or suffer, I just want to protect her, stay with her and keep her safe...but life doesn't work that way....

My Submissive Journey

I've learned that for me, it's about being vulnerable...I love how a very strong and Dominant personality affects me.  I'm not a masochist, and in fact I am a bit of a control freak, however the Dominant Man who is naturally and effortlessly in charge somehow brings about a natural submission that allows me the luxury of being vulnerable and letting go...this kind of natural submission, given without thought or effort, is an almost euphoric experience, and one that I find extremely addictive.

In my experience, life has a way of taking you on unexpected journeys and if you are open, each new day can be filled with new and interesting twists and turns.  About twenty years ago I stepped off the path of all that was familiar to begin a new life.  It’s been time filled with a lot of self-discovery.  In some instances it was about just committing more deeply to an almost familiar path, occasionally explored but never truly experienced, other times it was more like dragging myself over a trail of deep crevices and sharp rocks, emerging on the other side scarred and shaken but definitely more sure of where I was going.

Twenty years ago I never dreamed that I would be who I am today. 
I never dreamed my journey would take me over the many mountains I've conquered.   I never dreamed that the plan for me would be so absolute.

As I contemplate my next steps I can’t help but smile at the irony of fate and laugh at my life…It’s almost as if someone has been dabbling with the stars, stirring up the pot, having a laugh at my expense….but thank goodness even the most challenging times have been filled with love and friendship… and the really great times?…they help me remember how truly blessed I am!

Save the last dance for me - The Drifters

Happy Birthday - 2016

 

Today is my birthday.

Today I turned 51 years old.  It's been a quiet day.  Originally J and I were going to spend the day together, so I took it off of work, but then his work schedule changed.  Instead of going in to work, I decided to just have a day to do nothing.  Nothing is hard to do sometimes so I have gotten laundry done, paid bills, did some planning for the rest of the month and watched about 7 episodes of Ray Donovan Season 2.

I also got a text from J around noon.  He had some exciting news.  Today he made his final decision to purchase, not one, but 2 plots of land on the side of a mountain in North Carolina.  It's pretty much a done deal.  He has a bit of an "in" with the land owner and got what seems like a decent reduced price.

I have a lot of mixed emotions, I'm super happy for him, this is his dream and he's moving forward!  I know that it's what he's talked about for the entire time I've known him.  Because of him, I've fallen in love with the mountains as well and totally love the idea of living there. He's left it very open for me to join him.  and I would love nothing more than to plan the rest of my life with him.

I almost can't imagine living in such a beautiful place, the Blue Ridge Mountains have a way of calling to you.  Our last road trip took me to Florida and I think I got to see the best of what Florida has to offer, I loved it, we had so much fun...but there is something about the sight of a misty blue mountain that tugs at my heart...

LOL, but life is never that uncomplicated, at least not for me. 

There are things that make it difficult for me.

• J and I have a lot of history, some of it the best time of my life, I wouldn't trade our friendship and love for one another for anything or any one. - however, when our D/lg relationship came to an end, I had to build a new life for myself.  It was hard.  What helped me get through it was my job, my friends/family, the comfort and security of everything that is familiar.  IF I needed to start over there, how would I do it?  Even with the network of friends I had then, it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life.
• Financially, I have several things to consider,
• I did get some good news about my student loan debt this week, and it's possible that I'll have that paid off within the next 8 or less years. 
• Another concern is that while financially it helps to live with someone and share the costs,  if for some reason it doesn't work out, you can't take with you anything you may have invested.  Financially I don't know if I could start over again, possibly with a job that pays less, and in a place with less support. 
• I've had a very easy road, work wise the last 24 years.  I've always loved where I work, the people and what I do.  Still, things have changed there, the people have changed.  I'm still passionate but, I can see myself leaving one day.  The hardest part of that is, I will be leaving "family."  and kind of all I've ever known.
• Of course I think J and I are both committed to one another, there is still that unknown element.  Could he take another girl, one he falls head over heels in love with?  Where would that leave me in his life?  I know we are bonded up, but there are things that don't exist in our relationship that each of us still longs for.

I know that there are never any certainties in life, I'm certainly experienced enough to know that things can change and not always for the better, very quickly.  I also know, if you're too afraid to go after what you want, you are probably never going to have it.

So, that's been my birthday, lots of contemplating and trying to find out where I belong in all of these "Mountain" plans...

2015 in Review

This year started with a lot of illness and Doctor and vet visits.  I had pneumonia and was the sickest I've ever been for about a week, while I was sick, poor Punkin' ended up with an UTI.  Several visits to the vet, 3 weeks of nursing her with a variety of meds and about $500 later she is thankfully better.  Both kitties now eat an expensive prescription food, but keeping them healthy is worth it.

And then came the birthday!

J and I did our share of projects.  I even invested in my own air compressor and nail gun

We did get a little snow in January

Thankfully I have a friend with a plow on his truck.

We celebrated my Mom and Dad's 70th Wedding Anniversary the day after Valentines Day

By March Punkin' is finally feeling back to normal

More projects with J.  We feature these in our Antique Booth

By March Peanut needed a little attention since Punkin' has been the primary focus lately.

And my Pukifee that I ordered before Christmas finally came in April

Spring was here and there were plans being hatched!

Pukiee has already made friends with the locals

Another favorite project

And my big project of the year.  I still need to do a few things like paint the doors and posts...but my little shed is adorable!

April was busy, but the shed was totally worth it.  I learned how to hang cedar shake, and also learned what a perfectionist I can be.

 

A day spent organizing the inside of the garden shed



A friend who got married in April asked me to do several signs for her reception.

Of course, she's model thin, but she does apparently enjoy a drink now and then ;-)

And my new toy in April

J and I's annual Easter fishing trip.  Not a real pretty spot, but we caught so many fish that they were practically jumping on the hook before we got it in the water.  J spent more time baiting our hooks then he did fishing.

May Flowers - Love my truck



Lot's of work ahead but it will be worth it!

Part of my Christmas gift from J was in May he hung my little cast iron sink and fixed it so that it can be plumed to the outdoor faucet.

Another purchase this last May, watch out sticks I'm armed and dangerous now!

A visit in May to my home town.  this is the beautiful church I grew up attending.  There are amazing hidden rooms, stairs, and hallways throughout that church and we knew them all!

One of my big summer projects was painting J's lattice fence, this shot is from June.

Early shot of freshly planted flowers in June

Love these lilies that bloom in June. I planted these a few years ago.

And J bought a fun little boat that we used several weekends during the summer, both on the Rock and on the Mississippi.

By August the flowers are taking off!

My handsome Skooter, he's looking a bit raggedy these days, he's had surgery a few time on hematomas that he gets on his ears, but he's still beautiful to me!

I found this in August and still love it!

Illinois backroads in September

Illinois backroads in September

Illinois backroads in September

Getting close to the finish line

September Mums at J's house



Peanut is my best friend and hardly ever leaves my side

And Done! October 2015

October and it was time for our 2015 Roadtrip - On our way to Georgia

October and it was time for our 2015 Roadtrip - We stayed with friends in Georgia for several days, this is the view from their deck.

October and it was time for our 2015 Roadtrip - Next stop was another friends cabin in Florida, we spent a couple of hours tubing on this little river.  Luckily we didn't see any alligators.  There were a few water birds, a lot of turtles and maybe a snake.   We were hoping for manatee but wrong time of year.

Next stop was with family in Florida, minutes from the ocean.  We had an amazing time!

Mid week J and I went to the Gulf side of the state and stayed at Anna Maria Island for a couple days.  This was my first trip like this.  I've always thought of myself as a woodsy sort of girl but I'll have to admit, the beaches do have an allure that's hard to refuse....

Even on the harshest of days, the beaches were beautiful!

Spent a lot of time combing the beaches with J's Mom!  Even the guys usually had pockets of shells by the time we got back to the car.

This was taken while on a walk on the beach with J's Mom...love her

Last day at the beach, last day in Florida.  Can't wait to go back

Looking at the property that will one day be home.

The Parkway was on fire with Fall colors!

Though we were only in NC a few days, we managed to squeeze in a few hikes/waterfalls.  Though the trip was amazing, NC felt like home.

November meant I was home again and back with my girls, Peat was apparently not all that excited.

Spent Veteran's Day with my favorite Vet.  J and I spent the day shopping and had a couple meals out.

November and it's starting to get chilly, the girls stay warm by cuddling up together

One last project of the year at my house.  We finally got the hot tub out.  It was a lot of work, especially for J, we sawed it up and tossed it.  The house finally has a little extra space.

Thanksgiving dinner for us all

The Wildlife Station, last year's Christmas present from J is getting lots of use this December

 

Decorating or the Season

My Pukifee even enjoyed the Season!

Decorating the Shed!

Merry Christmas from Peanut!



Merry Christmas from Punkin!

New Year's Eve Treats

All partied out but HAPPY NEW YEAR for Punkin' and Peanut!