Year in Review

 

slavitude...where am i now?

So a lot has happened since the last time i posted on my slavitude.

That post was back in October and i was just really beginning to realize the path that i was starting down.

Now i find myself on the brink of making what will most likely be the most important decision of my life.  It's a decision that i am dragging my feet on, and that's what i really want to sort out....

What do i fear?

• Loss of familiar
• Loss of security
• Loss of job
• Loss of home
• Loss of family and friends
• Loss of independence
• Loss of privacy
• That i'll fail Him

What do i gain

• Family?
• No more being alone
• New direction
• Committment
• Communication
• Consistency
• Compassion

What do i question?

• Will the "gains" mean security, comfort, love?
• How does it work between the slaves?
• Responsibilities?  Duties?  Chores?
• Structure?
• Where will i fit?
• When i fall short, is it still acceptable?
• When i fail again, will it still be acceptable?

What do i know?

• That i totally respect who He is and what He represents
• That i long to feel His touch
• That He has the skill and "power" to hold me captive
• That He expects complete slavery - eagerly, cheerfully, gratefully, without hesitation, question, failure or complaint
• That i desire to please, that i long to be cacooned within the "family"
• That i can be overly sensitive and while i can be very nurturing, i don't get the "nurturing" vibe - it's a whole different world, attitudes and values just based on where they live than it is here....
• That it's all going to take a LOT of work!
• That trust is something i struggle with and it's become a huge hurdle for me in this....

Top Tracks for Patty Griffin (playlist)

i hate...

i hate the days when you can't stop asking yourself...."what the fuck am i doing?"

slavitude ... the continuing evolution

Here are Phill Sir's words to a visiting Dominant in the room today,

"the ONLY thing you need to find out is if they will OBEY you EAGERLLY, CHEERFULLY, and GRATEFULLY without HESITATION, FAILURE, QUESTION, or COMPLAINT."

As i was reading those words, though i've read them hundreds(?) of times before, i was really reflecting on how they have impacted the slave i have become and who i hope to one day be.

As a slave, there are very very few expectations placed on me at the moment.  Without an Owner and because i live on my own, i still basically have the privledge of free will.  Because of my devotion to the M&s room and it's inhabitants there are a few expectations that are placed on me, however they are small and should be easy to accomplish.

yet, i still manage to fail

In the past i always thought that a mistake, if unintentional, should be "more allowable"  This was a constant battle with my J, because He was frustrated constantly by my carelessness and "unintentional" mistakes.  However what He always said to me was this....."when you make a mistake, it's just like saying 'fuck You' to me."  When i was with Him and He said those things, i honestly believed that He was being unreasonable.  i believed that sweet and loving me, wasn't capable of saying "fuck You" to my Master who i worshiped and adored.  i thought He was too strict and was incapable of empathy or understanding what it was to be a slave.  That the microscope that i was under was to intense and no one could pass the test of that.  i was lucky that He loved me...and wanted me...and took every effort He could to show me ... and o how i strugged to understand and try and fit His needs.... but i just didn't get it.  i truely wasn't a slave.....

Had i been with a Dominant whose expectations weren't so high, or who didn't expect His submissive to be slave, i certainly may have been more successful.  But all that J wanted me to do was exactly what Phill Sir expects......to OBEY Him EAGERLY, CHEERFULLY, and GRATEFULLY without HESITATION, FAILURE, QUESTION, or COMPLAINT....and isn't that what a slave does without fail?

Every day the battle went on, i was essentially saying "fuck You" to Him over and over and over....until He couldn't take it any more, so...despite loving me, despite the effort He'd poured into training me, despite every detail He'd mapped out for me, despite every kind and considerate doting, endulgement moment He'd ever spent on me..........it came to a painful end

And now, every Man i am attracted to, mentally or physically has not compared.  He was basically One of a kind, driven, detailed, without fail, appreciative, caring, kind, loving, devoted, strong, decisive, assertive, bossy, smiling, asshole, committed sort of Guy.  His own drive, pushed me, though sometimes i fought it too...it was still the most satisfying and gratifying time in my life.  Since Him, i've met One other for Whom i have felt the same attraction to.  He has many of the same qualities.  It's of course all in a different package, wrapped up with a different bow...but it's all there for me....

So now, this slaves journey i've been on takes a whole new importance, as well as legitimacy.  It's been about 6 months since i've been truely exploring and evolving in this role...before J, i never identified as a slave, and then when He said that was His expectation, i tried to fit myself into the role.  i thought i was successful, i thought that a commited, doting heart made me a slave...i felt enslaved because of love, and love is good...but despite the goodness in all of that, it does not a slave make.

Six months ago, i was going through a "thing" in my life, disapointed in those i met, unhappy with my own actions.  At that point i'd made a committment to myself that it was time to "clean up" my own act.  This clean up included a number of things...not submitting to the wrong men anymore, recommitting myself to a healthy lifestyle and finding myself in a way that was true to who i am meant to be and then developing that to it's fullest.

At that same time i joined a group of people who made me feel like family, some Masters, some Owners, some Dominants, some sub, and some slave.  In that group was this One who has encouraged me, goaded me, called me out and yelled at me.  His honesty knows no limits, He says it like He calls it, whether it's socially acceptable or politically correct.  He lives life with the highest regard for His Creator and He leads His slaves as He chooses and doesn't base any of His decisions on what anyone else thinks.  He has made me look at who i am...and i've found a lot of fucked up bullshit in what i see.

There hasn't been a metamorphisis, there hasn't been an awakening of a brand new slave, what there has been is the dawning realization that my "unintentional mistakes" were not innocent and forgivable, they were actually failures and "fuck Yous" without the committment i thought i was exibiting.  my supposed selfless acts were actually clouded by a self endulgent and self absorbed "poor me" attitude and i was too caught up in what i thought was the unfairness of it all to see that the person not being true to the relationship.......was myself.  i know J would say, i told you that over and over during the 6 years we were together, and yes He did, that i was unable to see that i will forever be disapointed in myself and sorry that i fucked it all up.  So to everyone who has ever asked me, "what went wrong?"  i apologize for me inaccurate descriptions and explanations, J did all that a Master could do to help me find my role as slave, but i failed, despite His patience and determination.

and all i can do now is continue to live my life, and do my best i can with what i have.  i hope that i continue to be blessed with those in my life who care and take their valuable time to educate me.  i am so grateful for what i have been given...it's brought back to my life a focus that was gone for a while and as i continue to grow and struggle to peer through the clouds of confusion and misunderstanding of who or what i am...i thank God for the clarity of those around me.

SLAVE RADIO's new DJ - an Interview with MrC

SLAVE-RADIO welcomes a new DJ to the lineup this evening!
JustMrC has been a regular to the Mastery and slavery chatroom on Collar Me for a couple of years now, an avid listener to SLAVE-RADIO, He's been eagerly putting together His line up of music tracks and has a GREAT night of music planned for the room.

MrC graced me with a few moments of His time this afternoon and answered a few questions.

<freakiecubgirl> You've been an avid listener to SLAVE-RADIO Sir?
 <JustMrC> yes....got started shortly after discovering this room....hooked on Phils show first
<freakiecubgirl> awesome!
<freakiecubgirl> And Mr.C Sir, as DJ, what are You looking forward to sharing with Your audiance?
<JustMrC> tonight, just some good music and answering questions....lol
<freakiecubgirl> MrC Sir, i know everyone has been really looking forward to Your show! Are You nervous at all?
<JustMrC> more nervous about the technical aspects of it.
<freakiecubgirl> Yes MrC Sir, how does the whole thing work? i know you will somehow link to HisChainedDove, can You explain that in a little more detail?
<JustMrC> ask dawn to explain it....have not completely tested my broadcasting abilities
<freakiecubgirl> so, You mentioned before Sir that You will answer questions? Will there be some interactive time over the air? or will that be in the chatroom?
<JustMrC> Q in the rooms and on PM or YM...no phone in as of yet
 <freakiecubgirl> i know we are all looking forward to that Sir, and have you chosen Your music lineup for the night?
<JustMrC> I will shameless Plug A/all others shows
<JustMrC> working on the play list now
<JustMrC> am missing a few songs for dedications, but will get them tomorrow
<freakiecubgirl> Have you chosen an opening song yet Sir?
<JustMrC> none yet...just anything
<JustMrC> none that I will open with each tim...have a few ideas
<JustMrC> Have a few ideas for an opening and closeing songs
<freakiecubgirl> lol, well i know i sent my first request in weeks ago Sir, i'm really looking forward to hearing the show and hope to hear a bit of Chicago style blues...do You want to give us a little peek at what we might be hearing?
<JustMrC> peek????
<JustMrC> like berries peeking into my toy box?
<freakiecubgirl> lol, i think that's a no.
<freakiecubgirl> So MrC how long do You think Your show will run?
<JustMrC> till about 10pm, maybe longer
<freakiecubgirl> so from 5 to 10 pm Eastern?
<JustMrC> yes
<freakiecubgirl> and, is there anything You would like the readers to know about You or about the show?
<JustMrC> just listen in, bear with me and have fun
<freakiecubgirl> i don't think that will be hard for any of us MrC Sir, we are all looking forward to a new night of live music and the R&B that You intend to play!
<JustMrC> and about myself....I am still looking for the one to serve me
<freakiecubgirl> and from those of us who know MrC Sir, the one who does find themselves belonging to You MrC Sir will be a very lucky slavegirl.
<freakiecubgirl> Thank You for Your time Sir, i'll let You get back to finishing up Your line up...and thank You too for bringing us together for one more great show during the week!
<JustMrC> Mandy is off doing her nails and getting dressed up as if to go out on the town
<freakiecubgirl> lol...love that mindyloo
<JustMrC> lol
<freakiecubgirl> Thanks again MrC Sir and well wishes on Your show tonight!
<JustMrC> jennie...go get some supper before I start
<freakiecubgirl> yes Sir :-)

Tune in tonight!  5 PM Eastern Time!

SATURDAY'S AT 5PM EST IT'S RnB with MR.C on SLAVE-RADIO TUNE IN ---> Windows Media Player: http://sc8.mystreamserver.com/tunein.php/diaderos/playlist.asx

my lala has a new kitty dress and shoobies to match!

This is Not the End...

"This Is Not The End"

Gungor

This is not the end
This is not the end of this
We will open our eyes wide, wider

This is not our last
This is not our last breath
We will open our mouths wide, wider

And you know you’ll be alright
Oh and you know you’ll be alright

This is not the end
This is not the end of us
We will shine like the stars bright, brighter

Never stops being one of my favorite songs!

"Home"
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Not the way that I do love you

Holy Moley, Me-oh-My, you're the apple of my eye
Girl, I've never loved one like you

Man, oh man, you're my best friend,
I scream it to the nothingness
There ain't nothin' that I need

Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie,
chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
There ain't nothin' please me more than you

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I'm with you (2x)

La la la la, take me Home
Baby, I'm coming Home

I'll follow you into the park,
through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I've never loved one like you

Moats & boats & waterfalls,
alley ways & pay phone calls
I've been everywhere with you

That's true

We laugh until we think we'll die,
barefoot on a summer night
Nothin' new is sweeter than with you

And in the streets we're running
free like i's only you and mee
Geez, you're somethin' to see.

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I'm with you (2x)

La la la la, take me HomeBaby, I'm coming Home

“Jade?”
“Alexander?”
“Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?”
“I sure do, you came jumping out after me.”
“Well, you fell on the concrete
and nearly broke your ass
and you were bleeding all over the place
and I rushed you off to the hospital.
Do you remember that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, there's something
I never told you about that night.”
“What didn't you tell me?”
“While you were sitting in the backseat
smoking a cigarette you thought
was going to be your last,
I was falling deep, deeply in love with you
and I never told you 'til just now.”
“Now I know.”

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is whenever I'm with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I'm alone with you

Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I'm with you

Ahh, Home
Yes, I am Home
Home is when I'm alone with you.

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Moats & boats & waterfalls & pay phone calls

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I'm alone with you

i've been thinking...

Life is full of choices, i always seem to make the wrong ones.  Did i make the right one this week?  Still waiting to see what life has just around the corner.

"You Belong to Me" - Dean Martin

Jason Mraz performs "I'm Yours" in Studio Q

11 Years Ago Today

11 years ago today I remember being at work and watching the twin towers on very slow streaming cable.  I remember not having a cell phone and worrying about my friend Kim from work who was driving to Springfield.  I remember the shock of the day and how all things seemed to take on a different sort of perspective.  I remember praying a lot and feeling completely helpless.

 

Left/Right

 

 

The text for the left brain reads:

“I am the left brain. I am a scientist. A mathematician. I love the familiar. I categorize. I am accurate. Linear. Analytical. Strategic. I am practical. Always in control. A master of words and language. Realistic. I calculate equations and play with numbers. I am order. I am logic. I know exactly who I am.”

And for the right brain:

“I am the right brain. I am creativity. A free spirit. I am passion. Yearning. Sensuality. I am the sound of roaring laughter. I am taste. The feeling of sand beneath bare feet. I am movement. Vivid colors. I am the urge to paint on an empty canvas. I am boundless imagination. Art. Poetry. I sense. I feel. I am everything I wanted to be.”

Moody Blues - Question

Healthy Living

Day 11 of my committment to making healthy choices.  So far i am proud of myself.  i've chosen wisely, tracked daily and have not missed taking my lunch once.

i don't have any other goal but to be healthier right now, to eat right and to feel confident that i am taking care of my body.

The benefits are yet to be seen.

a Frasier moment....

Frasier:  Lillith, do you think I know how to be happy?

Lillith:  Of course you do Frasier, you just never take the easy road.

Time for a little Clapton...Great Tribue to George

serenity prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

choices

So life is filled with choices, even as a slave we have them.  we can choose who we serve, we can choose how we serve, and we can even choose whether or not to serve.  Unacceptable choices may have negative consequences.   The right choices may enrich our lives beyond belief...

Faced with a few choices myself this week.

Work choices...which interviewee to hire? 

Personal choices...the salad or the french fries?

i think i made good choices this week.  i did struggle with one choice inparticular that i'd like to say i made the right decision regarding.  The outcome is left to be seen, and i'm afraid that there might be repercussions that make me sad...but sometimes one has to do what they believe is right and good and if it means the outcome isn't what they had hoped....they must suffer the consequences.

Mission Updates 2012 Begin

Six years ago my Master at that time required me to write a mission statement, something to guide me in my journey.  What you find below in pink were the words i wrote....
My Mission Statement October 2006

• To strengthen and deepen all important relationships, always striving to communicate in a fashion which allows me to maintain those relationships in a healthy and loving manner.
• To strengthen my spiritual, physical and mental well being, by seeking out new ideas and challenging myself to explore new paths, broaden my horizons, and step outside my comfort zone.
• To strengthen my focus on moving forward in my career, my education and my life in general.
• To strengthen my personal life by "building" a home which reflects O/our interests, provides a place of refuge, welcomes friends and family, and is a place of pride for U/us both.

and

• Above all seek to strengthen the lifestyle path I’ve chosen to follow, ensuring my submission and slavery to Master is only enhanced by all of the above.

All this time, despite everything that has happened over the years, i've kept these goals in mind and have continued to use them to guide me towards who i am today.  i do believe the time has come to up date them though, so this is the first step in that process.

Here is the current status on each:

• To strengthen and deepen all important relationships, always striving to communicate in a fashion which allows me to maintain those relationships in a healthy and loving manner.  Well, for this particular one, i don't know whether i've failed or succeeded.  Of course i've lost my Master, the one who up until now has been the love of my life.  So that would be a big FAIL.  i have however, made many new friends over the last few years, some lasting. i have also done my best to stregthen my work and family connections, which feels relatively successful.
• To strengthen my spiritual, physical and mental well being, by seeking out new ideas and challenging myself to explore new paths, broaden my horizons, and step outside my comfort zone.  For this particular goal, i've done i've had both success and failure.  i need to continue to improve. i believe spiritually i've made committments that didn't exist before, physically though i've struggled, depression ,since losing my Master has definitely impacted my physical appearance and endurance, this is something i will put high on my next set of priorities, along with staying healthy mentally.
• To strengthen my focus on moving forward in my career, my education and my life in general.  I've managed to achieve some success in my career and education, i am currently in a place of oppoortunity, and choices for the postion i wish at work.  i've also completed my BA in Early Childhood Education, I am on the part time instructor list at a local community college and for the most part, enjoy my current status. 
• To strengthen my personal life by "building" a home which reflects O/our interests, provides a place of refuge, welcomes friends and family, and is a place of pride for U/us both.  Of course the home i've built over the last few years hasn't been for U/us.  It has however been an accomplishment i'm very proud of.  While there is always room to improve here, i feel like i've come a long way from the house i owned years ago by myself to the house i own now.  i've made many improvements and take pride in how it looks as well as how efficiently i am able to keep it running.  My experiences with J had a very positive impact on how i've handled my home.

and

• Above all seek to strengthen the lifestyle path I’ve chosen to follow, ensuring my submission and slavery to Master is only enhanced by all of the above.  It's been a long journey over the last six years, evaluating who i am on this journey and committing myself to who i believe i should be, has challenged me and made me question many things.  i'm still on this journey of course and probably always will be.  i only hope that i find someone to share the journey with.  i think this goal will need a little tweaking, but ultimately the feeling behind it is still the same.

i have set some priorities in my life that are on a more current list, i'd hoped at some point that having a Master/Owner would help me with my current goal, but i now feel that it's another journey i will take on my own. 

Here is the newest and most priority goal i will be incorporating into my mission, as it's become of great importance to me.  i don't exactly know where i will start, but it's time...and important so here is the first step.

• In order to regain my confidence and good health, i will commit to establishing new patterns and routines that help me gain a more healthy approach to life, with the hoped for result to be a healthier physical appearance and attitude towards life.

To all my friends who love me and read this blog entry...please wish me well on my journey and hopefully with your support i will succeed in my goal!

The Things i Didn't Get to Say...

Sometimes decisions are made, and you didn't get to have the kind of input that you wanted to.  There might be different reasons for this, but ultimately what you wanted to say went unsaid and all you can do is wish that somehow the words had been allowed.  You can wish for another chance to say them, hoping they might make the difference but, more often than not, they didn't matter or wouldn't have changed the outcome, or the opportunity would have presented itself.

Once you live the moment, there is no going backwards...it's all about moving forward from the day you are born until the day you die.  i believe the goal is to live each moment the best you can, using both your heart and your mind to guide you.  You may make mistakes along the way, you might even take a wrong turn here and there, ultimately though, you can only make decisions based on what you've learned, and, you can't decide for anyone else the path they will take.  What you want and what you might get, are seldomly aligned.  Making the most of what you do get is your best chance for success, happiness and contentment.

In the last couple weeks i'd have said several things if i had the chance...Maybe i should of tried harder to find a way to be heard.  Of course ultimately words are only that...words.  It's actions that speak, louder than any words ever can!  So in my case, i will be thankful for the few moments i received, the attention i was given,  and i will do my best to act accordingly.



Dave Matthews Band - Mercy (Official Lyric Video)

The Girls!

Peanut and Punkin

more on the evolution of my slavitude

i've had a variety of influences in my development as slave over the years.  i would say out of everyone, there have been two or three persons who have shared the most impactful lessons i have learned to date.
Of course one also learns much through observation and just listening to others interact and discuss and to those over the years with whom i've spent time, i am grateful for their sincerity and committment to the "community" and helping others as we make our way through the journey.  i only hope i can share my knowledge as sincerely and as intelligently as it has been shared with me.

i was having a conversation with someone this morning who has watched first hand my evolution as a slave. We were discussing the difference between a slave and a good/smart slave.  i think understanding what it is to be slave, and what it is to actually implement that understanding can be a challenge to begin with, and then to be good at it, to fit one's Owners individual needs is taking it even a step further.

i've really been forced lately to examine who i was, am and who i wish to be.  Probably to begin with i put way too much thought into it.  If only i could be the kind of person who accepted and performed without a need to analyze and understand the how and why of everything, i'd probably still be in a successful relationship.  That hasn't been my strength however i am on the road to working it out.

Here is what i have reflected on so far today....

As a slave in my past i struggled with "His way" vs "my way" i am sorry to admit it, but i often had thoughts of "i could do that better"  The problem with this thought pattern is....

• Firstly, a slave should be able to take directions without question.  A good/smart slave should be able to take direction and if she thinks she has an idea that might be able to positively impact the outcome, she should be able to offer input with an approach that doesn't question His plan, but rather offers assistance in a respectful manner.  Knowing that ultimately, His decision is for her to accept as the final word.
• The next thing is, attitude.  A positive attitude is important.  If as a slave you approach your tasks with reluctance and a negativity, you aren't serving the person you've chosen to serve fully.  you are cheating both yourself and Him of the gifts a slave should offer.  Approaching a task with a heart filled with joy and giving spirit enriches the experience.  The benefits of a joyful heart and giving spirit are many, your time spent is more meaningful, the quality of the situation is improved and the gift of your submission can truely be valued and seen as the gift it is.
• Finally today, i have reflected on my own past habit of getting stuck in the "fault and blame" game.  This is one of the hardest things to see in myself.  i don't really notice if other people are guilty of using excuses?  Maybe it's just a "me" thing?  i don't know that i do it during other aspects of my life, but in my past as a slave i was quite guilty of wanting to not accept my own failures and would fall back on using excuses.  i was always looking for reasons or excuses for why i hadn't succeeded.  Excuses like, "there wasn't enough time," or "i forgot," Sometimes excuses can be legit, "There was a car accident on the interstate."  and that's when one can say..."Hey, i was late because...."  Most excuses however, are reasons for having avoided the task and legit or not, there needs to be communication and understanding between both Master and slave, of what is acceptable as a legitimate excuse, and when the Master is going to see it as not having placed priority on the task assigned.   Personally i don't like to fail (i'm sure most of us don't) and being slave means that your failures and inadequacies are often viewed under a microscope.  you are no longer only accountable to yourself, but to One who is also witness to your every shortcoming and personal failure.  It's not easy to be so vulernable, but to be slave, it is a requirement.  one must humble oneself so that their Master can not only see their strengths but also their weaknesses and if one has chosen wisely....value you despite those weaknesses.

Adele - Hiding My Heart lyrics

Thanks Stephanie!  This one is AWESOME!

Tune in for a repeat of last nights show with Philly the loveable, Hardcore Troubadour on Slave Radio. Slave Radio, the only slave that can't be beaten!

and yes, you'll get a chance to hear me live...

Slave Radio

Tune in tonight at 5:00 pm Eastern Time, for tonights live show with Philly the loveable, Hardcore Troubadour on Slave Radio. Slave Radio, the only slave that can't be beaten!

Look for the crew in the 50's Collar Me chatroom, stop in and say Hi and find out what Philly's topic is tonight!

See you there!

Today is a Good Day!

evolution of my slavitude

When i first met J, i was someone most would have considered a "subbie".  i was used to scening and playing with a Dom, but had never really had a long term serious relationship with any Dominant.  J and i connected from the first few moments, i don't know why, we just did.  i remember early on in the relationship, having our first conversation about where our journey was taking us.  He was telling me who and what He wanted, and as i lay there, listening, hanging on His every word, looking around at His world, i knew that i wanted to be in that spot for a lifetime.  When He said the word slave, i don't know if i even flinched, i knew i could serve Him, because i knew i had come home.

People, especially other Dominants often ask me where He and i went wrong after 6 years.  i never really have a good answer to that.  i've given a few answers over the last couple of years, i've said things like i couldn't please Him because He was unpleaseable.  i've said His expecations were too much for me.  i've said we were just both fighting a loosing battle with no one right or wrong.  More recently, i've begun to see my own faults more clearly.  Maybe i didn't understand what it meant to be slave.  Maybe i wasn't ready to be slave.  ......mabye because i wasn't ready for that journey in my life yet?   Either way, i wasn't slave, i loved, i longed to please and i struggled to do the best i could, but there was something missing.  It was slavitude, pure and simple. 

Maybe if we could of looked at the 6 year journey and seen where we started to where we had come to, maybe we could of seen the things we'd accomplished, but the level of frustration, the challenges we'd fought, the journey had gotten mucked up somehow and it was at a stalemate. 

i don't know if He ever took the time to see how He'd taken a messed up, strangely independent, struggling, confused distrustful woman, and softened her, brought her to His side, developed her confidence and taught her skills where she had been lacking her entire life.  He made a home for them, with an element of safety and security that she'd never experienced. He gave her a family life and a sense of belonging that she'd never had, experiences that she'd only dreamed of and a heart to hold and love and cherish.

i longed to be all He wanted me to be, yet, i couldn't get there.  Over the two and a half years since we split up, i've known many men, some Dom wannabees and some Dominant to the core.  i've learned something from each one, as well as lessons learned from friends i've met along my journey.

These are the things i know now that i didn't know before and i pray that they are enough in my next relationship...

• As a slave it isn't enough to want to serve, to love someone or to offer respect.  It takes a special combination of all three of these things to give oneself in the manner expected of a slave.  Protocol isn't optional, it's a necessity that sets boundries and reminds one of who they are and how they are to act.  Respecting someone on the inside, isn't enough, it has to be shown and seen daily during moments of love and moments of humility.
• Being a slave doesn't include a pick and choose option.  It isn't open for discussion.  It isn't if the sun is shining or the stars in the heaven are right tonight sorta thing.  It is a 24/7 every moment of every day, it's a He is right or even more right sort of thing.  It is with a joyous heart and a trust that is paramount to no other that a slave accepts her Owners words without question or hesitation.  she accepts the slide down the hill and the ride on the ski lift as willingly as she does the expectation for clean socks in the morning.
• A compatible, honest, trustworthy Owner is not easy to find.  Trust is not a word that can be given easily and finding someone who is worthy of that trust is near to impossible. Valuing what one has been blessed with is important to remember at every moment.  It's not just about enjoying the "roadtrips" or gifts and rewards, it's also about recognizing how important it is to value all aspects of the relationship.  Recognizing what it means to kneel at His feet, to belong to Him, to bring Him comfort and to fill His world so that He knows His slaves value.
• Finally it's about being able to be humble, to be able to know my faults without them being pointed out, to know that my place is where He puts me, that He deserves my requests for permission no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to be to me.  If He expects it, i must give it at all times, not choosing or assuming or guessing, i am His to command and i will serve...humbly, sincerely and unquestioningly.

family

Family isn't necessarily about blood.

It's about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most.

(saw it on facebook and stole it while taking a bit of liberty with it.)

Pelicans

Took a little time out of the day today to take some photos.  Always a stress reliever for me.  It was nice to have an interesting subject to shoot for a change, even if they were just a bit too far away.

These guys are just down the street from me on the river. 

You never used to see a Pelican in Illinois, especially on the Rock River, but, times they are a changin'.