LaLa's Christmas Photos

a slave's life...moving on?

So I don't know if I could be considered the "norm" in any aspect of my life.  When I was 14 I fell in love with someone who has stayed my friend for the next 34 years and counting.  We were young and of course things happen and we took other paths but he married my best girlfriend and we all stayed in touch but ... moving on.

I next fell in love with my ex husband.  A sweet guy, as opposite of my father, an angry man who never knew how to NOT hurt a young girls feelings.  He was sweet and loving and my best friend for 20 years, but his addiction to pot and alcohol, a definite lack of motivation and my longing for "more" caused me to lose respect for him...moving on.

When I left my ex-husband it was in part due to my desire to have children, he did not want any and though he was quite content to stay together...we lived in a sexless marriage.  So at an age when my friends were married, being happy homemakers and raising children, I was focused on a career and finding out what my life was really about....moving on.

I discovered many things about my life then...I had a kink that caused me to look further into the bdsm culture.  It was there that i found someone to call "Daddy".  He became the love of my life and my addiction to Him increased daily until there was such a dependency, my life revolved around Him in every way....moving on.

He and I spent 6 years in a very non traditional relationship.  There were highs and lows and every range of emotion in between.  I worshiped Him, however, I couldn't fit into the mold He had for me.  I tried, I honestly thought I'd be able to meet His demands...I did had the ability to do at the time.  He spent His every waking moment on finding a way to make it work...it didn't....moving on.

I bought my own house.  I started over.  Life was way different.  I tried to find love, I longed and desired for all that I'd had before.  For 2 years I found myself in and out of extremely frustrating relationships situations.  I was lied to more often than I care to admit.  I finally committed to making serious changes in my life.  I have spent time on growing and getting healthier both mentally and physically....moving on.

I met a man who I almost gave my life to, an extreme Master who found ways to move me again.  I truly fell in love with Him, but His expectations were more than I could come to grips with...moving on.

When I found myself on my own again I still wanted to be the slave I'd been working on becoming...but somehow that's gotten lost again.  Is it because it's not who I am meant to be?  I think I can't fit into another person's box.  I'd like to think I could follow rules and orders and meet expectations...but I think I will always be a free spirit, someone who tries to please others but no matter how I long to never make mistakes or to be the perfect one for a Master...I'm one of those goofy people that seems to leave a wake of catastrophe behind her, more like Lucy Ricardo than June Cleaver?  Thinking back, I guess Lucy failed in her relationships too.....I wonder if June kept Ward happy for the rest of His life?...moving on. 

Just incase...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucy_Ricardo
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/June_Cleaver

slavitude...there IS life after the cookie crumbles...

It's been a little over 3 months since my last post and a lot of things have been going on. 

It was a little tough letting go of all the plans and dreams of the last year, but when the decision was made there was no looking back.

I've really buckled down though and made a number of changes in my life.  These changes have been rewarded with time spent with people I love and achieving many goals.

Below are just a few highlights of everything that's been going on...

A new firepit and relaxing spot were carved out of the wild space next to the little garden shed

The little garden shed in the middle of a facelift.

Time spent with my favorite buddy

A little yard work, landscaping and flowerboxes are overflowing with blooms

Whitewater rafting in Tennesee

Exploring North Carolina on the Blue Ridge Mountain Parkway

Adding to my collection of waterfalls

another hike down and up a mountain

:-)

Some challenging hiking!

 

 

i just want to say

i am struggling with whether or not to leave collarme chat.  i am the newbie in the current situation i find myself in, and i have no desire to cause drama or even be consoled in a way that puts the blame on anyone but myself.  i also don't want to hear anyone saying things about who or what He is in order to make me feel better, He is honest and clear...and has my respect still. 

However, if you are sitting in judgment of me i wish to share this, especially to all of those good online slave girls, looking to serve a Master they long to be with one day in person.  Whether you or anyone believed my intent was to meet His expectations, it was all done with sincere motive.  i wanted to obey.  Had i made better choices at some moments, i might already be there and none of this would be being written.  Had i acted sooner, i might already be settled in a new life.  i struggled, life is complex and full of "stuff".  Am i a bad person?  There is only one that will judge this and all i can say is, i pray that the judgment is in my favor.  Does that mean i'm not a slave?  i question this every day, and at this point in my life, i hesitate to place labels on myself.  i look at others and see what they are able to endure and sacrifice and i while i view that with admiration, this week, at least, i recognize that i am, who i am, for reasons i'm still trying some days to understand.  

To all who just are curious enough to be reading here, ultimately please know that nothing i did was meant to be a betrayal or hurt anyone.  The love, longing, and respect i had, hasn't changed.

i know that my legitimacy will come into question and all i can say is this about myself, i lied to myself, i thought that there would be a way to not have to endure the punishment and pain that comes with it.  i thought that maybe i could become such a good slave that pain wouldn't have to be a huge part of the bargain, after all, that was all up to me, right?  Ha, i didn't understand or comprehend what "that" kind of pain really was, infact, i've only had a small taste so far and it's been too much.  Sure, i enjoy "sensory play"...but the pain i am talking about, is filled with anxiety, dread, frustration, disappointment and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Having self applied, this type of pain over a period of time, without being able to touch and feel anything other than my own hands...has left me confused and needy.  As a result, i've pulled away, i've hidden, i've avoided, i've frustrated and i've lied, by saying it's something "i can't do" when in reality, of course i "could do it"?  the painful and disappointing truth was, i was not willing to do it...

So, i apologize for the months of "stringing anyone along" for the "fence sitting" for the headaches i've caused, for the frustration i've brought on.  i never intended to do any of those things, ultimately despite the many challenges, i truly thought i belonged there and i believed that i was slowly, resolving all of the issues i had, both in my head and in my day to day life.  i did come a long way during those months of hesitation, while it may have appeared to be at a stand still to everyone on the outside, i was working through a lot of "stuff" on the inside.

So, anyway, Thank You to those who have taught me more about myself along the way, thank You for believing in me and giving me all that You gave...

i hope that i won't always be a "blogger" ... i want to live the life i was meant to live, unfortunately for us all, i got confused and His charms made me long for something i now realize i am currently not willing to give.  i suppose it's better to know this now, than to realize it's been a mistake 6 months from now.  i hope...

Further on the Journey...

This week in review:

Sunday - back pain

Monday - work pain

Tuesday - back pain

Wednesday - endure it pain

Thursday - avoiding pain

Friday - pain of accusation

Saturday - pain of loss

i've learned several things recently about pain...

There is no magic button or key that turns the physical pain off.  So if you are not a masochist, no matter how much trust is built, how much love there is, how much you desire to accept it....pain is pain....and it hurts

Pain comes in many forms, looks like many things....of course we know this but...
Pain can be:

• Witnessing your father forget who you are for the first time after he is diagnosed with alzhiemers
• Watching your mother slowly lose her best friend and companion of 70 years to a horrible disease.
• Dealing with back pain due to a relentless muscle spasm.
• Finally coming to realize that Sadist you've grown to love, will continue to give orders and expect things that you don't know how to endure especially when it comes to enduring physical  pain.
• Feeling disappointment in yourself, that you were naïve enough to think you could learn to accept it.
• Realizing that you are once again, alone....and knowing that when Someone asks, "so, how's that working for you?"  all you can answer is....."it's not!"

StReSs!

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!

 

 

Love You Dad...

 

Today was an emotional one.  i visited my mom and dad with both of my brothers and sister inlaws.  i usually try to avoid this sort of visit as much as possible as it's kind of uncomfortable for me.  i went though because as i've posted in the past, my Dad has alzheimers and is slowly but steadily getting worse.  Today it just worked out that we could all be there. 

We did the normal, lunch out then back to the house where we just chatted and reminisced.  my Dad was mostly quiet.  my oldest brother did a lot of trying to bring up old stuff, stories that have been shared through the years.  Dad seemed a bit aggitated by this though, so we didn't push it.  He did a lot of dozing in His chair, though He did laugh at a story or a joke now and then.

When it was finally time to go, i was the last to hug my Dad, and He did something i've never seen or had Him do before.  As i hugged Him, i said my normal "i love You" and my Dad, instead of His typical, "I love you too" grabbed my arm as i turned to walk away, pulled me to Him, looked me in the eye and said, "I love you" with so much emotion and intensity that i felt almost an electrical charge go through my body. 

Of course we both know, He's afraid that maybe next time He won't remember me?  That this will be one of the last times we are all together with Him still with us mentally.

i took a picture of Him and mom, my mom was so tender and loving in the photo, going to Him and kneeling at His side, despite her 88 years, on her knees holding Him.  Despite her determination to keep Him, you can see it in His eyes in that picture, somethings are already gone. He's slipping away from her, from us, from Himself...

He was never Daddy or Pops or even someone i didn't feel fearful of growing up, but He was always there, providing, leading and being the Man He was raised to be.  Despite missing having the kind of relationship i wished we could of had when i was a kid...i know He is now proud of me, that He worries about me, and that He'd give anything for me to be happy.

i love You Dad, and i hope that the future is kind and that we can provide You with all that You need to have quality of life while You are here with us and that when it comes time for You to leave us, You are ready for all that comes next...

here is your opportunity

 

When i met You, i never imagined who i was about to become.

At that time in my life, i didn’t know who i was or where i was going, i just knew my life was not what it should be.  Little did i know when You noticed me that first night, just where my journey would take me.

You asked me, “Are you a slave?”  At first i probably said yes, but then there was a time when i couldn’t give You an answer, i’d just begun to comprehend what it actually meant to be slave and i was confused by where i’d been in my life and who i was.  You made me want to understand though.  You spent time with me and You gave me the opportunity to please You.  You showed me the kind of man You are.  We disagreed, more than once, but when You told me to act accordingly i did because I wanted to make You happy.

When You first said to me, and just about every girl who came into the chat room, “There’s only one rule you need to follow, shut the fuck up and do what your told eagerly, cheerfully, gratefully, without hesitation, question, failure or complaint.”  i knew those words were meant for me.  i already felt they were a part of who i was, and though i sometimes struggle with the rule, You never expect less of me. 

You don’t cut me any slack, You hold me accountable, You make me know i’m a woman who is meant to serve, and despite the frustration, annoyance and aggravation i cause You, You don’t give me any option but one, which is to be Your slave, totally and completely.

You’ve said to me, “a slave needs a Master,” You’ve said to me “here is your opportunity,” You’ve said to me, “you have six weeks.”  And, finally, after so many moments of doubt and anxiety, i have begun to register how this is going to happen, how it’s going to work and how i will become Yours.  It’s not been an easy journey, i’ve struggled and fought You almost every inch of the way, both craving what You offer, longing to be in Your presence, learning and coming to know the others who are a part of Your life, yet fighting the actual giving up of my freedom and the safe life i have, fearful of failure, afraid to let go, terrified of finally being controlled, owned, subject to Your domination over my life.

With determination You’ve finally made me understand and accept the direction we are going.  Oh, i’ve known all along where i belong, and i’ve known that it will be for forever, but the challenges and tasks to get to You have felt daunting to me.  You have however finally made me realize that what is important is not what holds me here, rather, beginning my journey with You as my Owner, my Master, my Sir, being allowed the privilege of joining Your home, Your family, Your life, is something that I am grateful for and will forever cherish as a gift, an opportunity to serve and to belong.

Happy Valentines Day

 

slavitude - my focus

 

 

slavitude