Once Upon a Time

After sharing this song on Youtube with Him, He typed me this...

Youtube song was pretty good, not sure it's 100% us but it's good

I said,  yah....the youtube song prolly isn't quite...but it was close

And He said,

...need one where the Dom lives in a land far away where he does his own thing in his own world but meets a special sub in her world with lots of butterfly's where they live a unique life even they can't explain

For those who don't know us or understand an alternative lifestyle, those words aren't meant to be mean or callus, it's actually about reality and what has been working for us...and why "complicated" has become a descriptive word I use to describe my life now.... see this post on fetlife for my thoughts on that particular subject. https://fetlife.com/users/105375/posts/3271351

So, I responded with this....it needs an ending, maybe even more of a middle, but I'm working on it.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away (far from butterfly land, but close enough to visit frequently) lived an independent Dominant who liked living His life all on His own. He didn't need anyone except His cat who he spent lots of time with.

 

But even though He spent lots of time with His cat...there was something missing....
 

meanwhile in butterfly land there lived a fairly independent submissive who, though she was submissive, still struggled with following rules and tended to be a bit of a free spirit, afterall.....she did live in a place called butterfly land...

Father's Day - 2015

Feeding my Mom and Dad's squirrel friends.  They always have a couple of peanut butter crackers waiting by the back door for when one of these guys comes begging.

Took Mom and Dad to lunch today...at 90 years old they are certainly entertaining, which is a lot of fun.  I paid for lunch and the bill was about $35.  Oh my goodness, they were totally freaked out that we'd spent so much on one meal.

I was able to get several videos of them today, a couple are of my Dad singing.  Despite, or because of the Alzheimers, my Dad is totally enthralled with my smartphone, especially the camera.  He loves being video taped and watching it back.  it's a lot of fun playing around with him.  I know time is ticking, one day he'll be lost to us, but I did make the most of today with him. 

Love you Dad!

Look What i Found!

Look what i found at a local second hand shop!  It's really rough, it's aged and broken and whoever originally put it together really did a sloppy job, but.....I see a piece ready to be flipped!  And for a buck, I just couldn't say no.

The inside wasn't much better, it was in need of a basic coat of paint and the contact paper on the floors was icky, but came up quite easily.



I'm still deciding on whether to do actual dollhouse shingles and siding or go with something more natural to keep it more whimsical and the cost down.  A coat of paint on the inside and it's already looking better.  I did add wall paper to one room and think I will do the same for each of the other rooms, but there are still so many options to play around with. 

My Pukifee Has Arrived!

After waiting 4 long months, my Pukifee has finally arrived!  I was so surprised to see the package at my backdoor but knew right away what it was!

 

The opening of a brand new Pukifee is quite an event, you can go to You tube and view other's videos of their own Pukifee's arrival.  I didn't take a video, but there are lots of pictures!  I love the beautiful pink box she arrived in!

 

And here she is!  A Pukifee is a ball jointed doll (bjd) who comes all the way from a place called Fairyland (in China).  Of course I was ready for her arrival and she didn't stay nakid or bald for long.

 

Here she is in her first outfit and a new hair style.  I was happy to see that she arrived with beautiful blue eyes that really go well with her hair color.

This was a recent pic of her.  She enjoys hanging out will all sorts of critters but this guy has become a particular favorite friend of hers.



Just how am i Rockin' the little me This Week?

Last Saturday I came down with the flu.  It started just like a mild fever and feelin' achie, but by Tuesday I was struggling to breathe and ended up making a trip to Urgent Care, to get some meds. 
Now I have Bronchitis and am using a nebulizer every hour and taking a ton of different drugs, and I'm not allowed to return to work until next Monday.  Not fun!

What's happening though is being sick is bringing out my little side.  Now if you know me at all, you know that I do identify myself as a slave/little girl and have no hesitation about sharing that, it's who I am.  Lately though, I don't let her out as much.  It's important that I'm taking care of life as an adult and that means that letting down my guard can be difficult.  (This may be a little confusing for the Man I am seeing who is looking for my 'softer side' but keeps bumping heads with my "need to be in control" side.)

So to this Man, who asked me tonight to clarify the following....
"being sick is hitting my little space trigger."
I think I have to start with this question first, How is it that a girl who identifies as a slave/little girl can't let down her control?  Well, it's hard to be a responsible adult day in and day out and still allow yourself to stay open and vulnerable.  Being vulnerable means you are open to hurts and evils that lurk in the world.  It's not that I don't long to sink into that warm intoxicating safe place and give myself over to someone who will protect me from the world.  It's just that it's very hard to do when there are so many demands, things to balance, when we aren't quite at that intimate stage of trust  that we'd like to be yet and maybe I'm even just a little out of practice.


So how exactly am I "Rockin' the little me" this week?  Well, I've had a lot of down time, a lot of me time and just the opportunity to tune in.  I'm been able to stop and listen to that "needy" part of me and not shove it down.  Instead of ignoring the desires that are so often there, I'm finding myself giving in to them.  The things that are comforting, like sucking my thumb and wearing diapers.

My world can be a very lonely place sometimes, despite my friendly, outgoing nature, I really let very few people in.  It's hard to be vulnerable with someone again and trust has always been hard for me.  I don't exactly know the path to take to get to the place we want to be.  I suspect that being vulnerable is the first step.  It's hard to reach out to you with this.  I tried tonight, and again, I know you probably think this would come easy for me, I share every other thought in my head, but this stuff is different.  Our conversation just didn't make it to where I hoped it would go.  So I've brought it here...to help me sort through things, and to maybe help to start some more conversation between us.

Before I go to bed tonight, I will put on a diaper, I will snuggle deep under the covers, I'll pull Tallie and Hendrix close, I'll put my left thumb in my mouth and I will fall asleep.  I'll probably wake several times during the night and my thoughts will stray to you...I'll wish you were lying next to me, I'll wish that we were at that stage, I'll worry that the last two weeks may have taken a tole on the direction things were going and I'll wait for that text that you used to always send every morning letting me know that you are thinking of me too....

 

 

 



Happy Valentines Day!

Writing for me is Cathartic...

Continuing Vanilla

Tonight we set the plans. He wanted to pick me up at my house, He says how it's kind of insulting that I don't trust him enough to come to my home and drive me to the movie and dinner. But, he listened to my concerns...

He didn't understand that the last man I let into my home took me without my consent on my living room floor. I am submissive, I had allowed it somehow by inviting that man into my home. I am submissive, I am well aware of the unwritten codes between dominant men and submissive women. I am submissive, I thought I had managed in my head to make it "ok".

He didn't understand that more than once a man has taken me in his car without my consent. I was very young and very stupid, and I kind of didn't want to say "no" it was exciting. I was eager and naïve, I fell for his reason that he wanted to go for a drive by his friend's house. I was lonely and really hoping he was the one, I thought that if I pleased him it would increase our chances of it working.

What I didn't plan or even know myself is that in the last few years I've grown very fearful, but I've also gained a voice. It doesn't make me less wanting to please, it doesn't make me less submissive, it doesn't make me less desirable. It actually makes me more confident that I know what I want, and that I won't have sacrificed my own convictions. Right or wrong, it's who I need to be.

We communicated and he understood. He will meet me at the movie theatre. I know He is making a great effort to meet me at my level of comfort. I know it isn't necessarily making Him happy....but He says He sees so much possibility that he is willing to not "win" this one.

I love a good Dominate Man.....one that recognizes that even though He might want something a certain way, there are times that it's important to give, in order to have......

Some Vanilla He Turned Out to Be

You're so fun and I'm so enjoying talking to you. I don't want to hang up when it get's late...I can't wait until Saturday when we finally meet, going to see a movie, having dinner...safe, neutral things as promised.

We've already established that while we met on a "vanilla" site, you are no stranger to bdsm.  You seem to understand my kink, what little we have talked about it.  But I was not telling you all of my kinks.  Oh, I wanted to, but a diaper fetish and  wanting to call you Daddy, those things are not even always understood by people on Fetlife, let alone someone one met in POF.

We have our first date planned for Saturday, I'm hoping it goes well.  You say I'm very protective of myself, more so than any woman you've met.
You've wondered about it, but you understand, You're being careful.  You say things like "I normally go after and get what I want like a bull in a china shop."  but You recognize that I might explode if you move to fast.  You're giving me time, the space I need, you recognize that you could trigger my emergency button and everything would be lost.

I told you days ago that You weren't ready for "all of it"  That when the time was right I'd tell you about "it" but that I didn't want to scare you....
I wanted to tell you that I already felt compelled to call you "Daddy".  I wanted to tell you that my deepest darkest secret was that I get off on being diapered.  But I didn't want to jeopardize what we've started to build.

Tonight I had to tell you it all, even if it meant you ran.  I needed to let you know that my kink might just be too much for you. so much so, that you'd want to run away.
I started to tell you, oh, you had guesses, but nothing like what I was about to tell you.  I wished we'd been together and I could have shown you things online so you wouldn't get "icky" pictures in your head.  It was really hard to share it because I really, really like you and didn't want to chase you away.

I said, "I'm a 'little,'" and I asked you if you knew what that meant?  You did know, you even knew that it included diapers (you, Sir, are definitely not your average vanilla...) and you said to me, "You need what you need and I want to give you that."  Before we hung up You reminded me that you are still looking forward to Saturday, and that you would talk to me tomorrow night....
Too good to be true?

Random Guy

Randomly you appeared in my search list, just another local guy on a vanilla site.

I hardly ever look at local guys, the chance of someone local that fits with me, just seems so slim. But, I read your profile, nice looking man, several same interests, why not I thought, and I hit that little button, the one that doesn’t require you to type anything. He’ll know I’m interested I thought, but not much effort went into it, after all, hunting feels so useless, I'm not sure how much effort I really want to exert on something that seems so improbable.

A day or so went by…I’d almost forgotten you. But, you messaged me back "Hey there to you" you responded (apparently my "why not" button says "hey you".) I was busy that day though, I didn’t see your response. You came back later that same day, before I could respond, you wrote another note, "Jen, checked out your profile just now and noticed a trend. You don't let any grass grow under your feet do you? When I read your messages, I noticed several things, first I noticed that you’d come back a second time, I noticed that you’d noticed me, I noticed that you’d made an effort, as much as one can make maybe on a site like that, you'd also studied my photos and thought about who I was, and you'd managed to make me laugh. We’ve been communicating ever since. At first you were just "this guy", but you’ve been slowly showing me who you are and I find myself more and more intrigued. In fact you haven’t left my thoughts all day.

I’m scared, you’re definitely not who I expected to enter my life, but there is something so familiar, so intriguing, so comfortable. I already trust you too much...It’s dream like, it’s shocking at times, and so often when you’re talking, I’m smiling and nodding.

More than once I've jumped to quick, I am definitely being cautious this time, but I can't help be a little bit hopeful :-)

Fetlife Post on Relationships and Going the Distance...literally

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Birthday!

2014 In Review

Looking out over the Illinois River - Starved Rock, Utica IL

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI

Spring Hiking at Eagle River, WI
This is one of my all time favorite pictures ever!

Spring yard work in my favorite spot!

Taking care of the abandoned cemetery near Erie



We moved from a couple of shelves to a booth at the local Antique Mall

Made a new friend while waiting at the drivethru, I made sure they weren't taking him to market, cause if they were, he was coming home with me!

While out picking, I found Peat a nice warm coat, I'm not so sure she likes it.

The snuggle girls



Yard work, this lawnmower just keeps going...mulching leaves...

Anyone want to rake some leaves?

Fall picture day - Grand Detour, IL

Fall picture day - Grand Detour, IL

Fall picture day - Castle Rock, Prairie Trail, Oregon IL

Fall picture day - Castle Rock, Prairie Trail, Oregon IL



Fall picture day - Oregon, IL

Fall picture Day - Near Erie, IL

Fall picture Day - Near Erie, IL

Feeding frenzy at my birdfeeder

Feeding frenzy at my birdfeeder

Feeding frenzy at my birdfeeder

The girls enjoying the remodeled spare bedroom

Winter picture day - Castle Rock, Oregon, IL

Winter picture day - Castle Rock, Oregon, IL

Christmas Eve Day - Punkin'

Christmas gift - Wildlife feeding station from J

Merry Christmas from Peanut

Merry Christmas from Punkin'

The Wildlife Feeding Station getting some action!

The Wildlife Feeding Station getting some action!

The Wildlife Feeding Station getting some action!