patient...

disclaimer:  This was a very difficult post to write, it's not meant to be accusatory or express disatisfaction.  i only wanted to find a way to put into words the feelings i have, and to communicate and find a way to resolve these feelings, to find a way to accept current situation.

i've been thinking about this post for a little while now.  i'm still not sure what direction i want to take it.  It's kind of hard to get into words my thoughts and feelings. 

i guess i feel a little lonely...  i try to not be too needy, to be understanding of situations, to not feel that disapointment when a long night comes to an end and i've spent it quietly surfing the internet or trying to patiently pass time chatting in a chatroom waiting for a phonecall that didn't come.

So what is reasonable for a slave in a long distance relationship to expect?  Do i expect too much?  i certainly don't want to expect more than i should, and i don't want to be unreasonable, act spoiled or be demanding, or most scarey of all, be more needy than anyone would want to handle.

i love my Sir, i feel very cared for by Him.  i understand that His work and current living situations are very demanding.  i don't want Him to wear Himself out trying to make me happy every minute of the day or night. 

i suppose the only thing to do at the moment is to be patient, to be understanding, to avoid rushing...maybe i'm further along than i should be, do i rein it in?  or do i continue to become more and more dependent?

A Big Pot of Homemade Veggie Soup

See, i can cook! ;-)

Bob Dylan - You Ain't Goin' Nowhere

Don't know why but this song popped into my head tonight...lots of sweet memories...

Fears Calmed

So that lecture i thought i was going to get...turned into a bit more than a lecture.  i spoke with my Sir in the morning before work and His words while accurate, also hurt deeply.  Of course my own insecurities snuck in and fear took over.  The threat of being released was so constant in my past, i am learning all over again what it's like to be in a healthy, lasting relationship.  It was a long day of contemplation, and at times my fears took off and got the better of me. 

Each time i let fear overtake me, i realized that while i love my Sir, living in an unhealthy relationship isn't something i can do...the pain of emotional abuse is something i have no desire to experience again.

As night came and Sir text to say He was still at work due to weather, i began to have a lot of anxiety and nothing would distract me.  The one thing that i kept believing was that my Sir loves me and told me Himself that He wouldn't just give up on His slave because of a mistake.  i kept telling myself that He is as vested in this relationship that i am.

We had a talk last night finally that proved just that.  i am so thankful that my Sir has taken me on, that while He doesn't find everything about me pleasing, He has found enough about me to love and therefore will use His intelligence and patience to teach me to be the best slave i can be for Him.

...with liberties taken

The Touch of the Masters Hand Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer thought it scarcely worth his while to waste much time on the old violin, but held it up with a smile; "What am I bidden, good folks," he cried, "Who'll start the bidding for me?" "A dollar, a dollar"; then two!" "Only two? Two dollars, and who'll make it three? Three dollars, once; three dollars twice; going for three.." But no, from the room, far back, a gray-haired man came forward and picked up the bow; Then, wiping the dust from the old violin, and tightening the loose strings, he played a melody pure and sweet as caroling angel sings. The music ceased, and the auctioneer, with a voice that was quiet and low, said; "What am I bid for the old violin?" And he held it up with the bow. A thousand dollars, and who'll make it two? Two thousand! And who'll make it three? Three thousand, once, three thousand, twice, and going and gone," said he. The people cheered, but some of them cried, "We do not quite understand what changed its worth." Swift came the reply: "The touch of the Master's hand." And many a slave with life out of tune, and battered and scarred with sin, Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd, much like the old violin, A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine; a game - and she travels on. "she is going" once, and "going twice, she's going and almost gone." But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd never can quite understand the worth of a soul and the change that's wrought by the touch of the Master's hand. ~Myra 'Brooks' Welch~

Another Day

i just spent another day of struggling to get things completed at work.  my boss has finally said, "I need a report from you by Monday."  i have every desire to get it done for her but i'm pretty burned out, and there just isn't time to get it done at work.  Tomorrow i'm going to recruit a couple people to help but not sure if that will make things easier or more complicated.

i have been working every minute on this stuff from the time i come home until going to bed for 3 weeks now.  i have chores left undone and it's making me very stressed.  Now i have the headache from hell to go with it.

This afternoon while driving i was thinking about how i used to go home after work and take care of my ex Dom.  i was thinking about how this would have been one of those days when i would of asked if we could go out to dinner, i just didn't have much left to give tonight.  And then when my Sir got off work and called W/we somehow got into a conversation about expectations about a couple of things like dishes.  i somehow let the frustration of the day/week get tied up in to how i responded to Him.  Now i think i'm getting a lecture in the morning.  Which i deserve.  i wanted to be warm and submissive, but instead my comments took on a cutting attempt at humor which made no sense for a true submissive and only caused my Sir frustration and me to feel inadequate. 

It's not like i haven't done this before, i know how to let go and submit, yet i wasn't being very submissive tonight.  i also know how to not let work impact my personal life...but i sure didn't show it tonight.  Ugh...

i think it's a protection thing right now...if i let go....submit totally....at this point i might just break and i can't afford a moment of weakness at least not until the weekend arrives.

So i wrote my last post and went to bed, but here i am again....i desperately need sleep, i'm probably averaging 4 maybe 5 hours a night and it's taking it's toll.

my negative cd has been playing over and over in my head especially loud tonight...actually it's been going on and on since this morning during a meeting of the ed team.  i took a few hits, ones that i can't let go of, because it all stems from a stupid mistake i made last March that is still impacting the program. 

i'm sure no one enjoys making mistakes, but i tend to obsess over them.  my parents weren't big cheerleaders for me when i was a kid and so the cd that was instilled in my brain back then, tends to start playing again and it beats me up mentally over and over. 

During normal every day life i'm able to just overplay it with some nice relaxing mellow music and ignore it, but when stressed, the relaxing, mellow music goes away and i can hear that negative cd loud and clear, telling me how i'm just not as good as everyone else and i could never hope to be.

i'm not very good about sharing this type of thing with my regular everyday support systems, because it's all about feeling inadequate and any amount of kind words feels condescending and insincere to me during these moments.  And because it only makes me feel like i'm drawing attention to how incapable i am.

i really want my Sir's attention right now....

So, i'm kind of in a pickle.  i'm in love with a Dom who lives 2 hours away, who has a hectic and demanding life of His own and who has had one mishap after another as of late and who has just lost His mother who He loved tremendously.

The last thing i want to do is be a burden, (it seems like if it's not one thing it's another with me lately) infact, i'm not sure He can even do much to "fix" this, so why bring attention to my imperfections and put this in His lap too.  Yet, i'm feeling lost and in need of more control in my life right now.  That's just pretty hard to come by at the moment.  i'm torn, He hasn't really had much time for me either, and not because He's not caring or not making time, He works long hours and i do mean LONG hours, eats and sleeps...and calls me quickly whenever He can inbetween....

i don't know what to do.  Can i get by on my own without His attention?  Of course i can, i survive, i always do.  But, will it impact O/our relationship?  Will it get worse or better with me left to my own devices?  Does He really need to hear my troubles, so minor in comparison to His own? 

i really hate being so needy, especially on nights like this, yet it's who i am, it's sometimes a struggle to see which of my traits will win, the part of me that is a perfectionist and who is so controlling and so easily destroyed by any perception of failure, who can become that needy, whiney child, or, and this is who i generally root for, the laidback, healthy, well adjusted slave/woman who can balance it all with clarity and intelligence.

It's stupid and i am obsessing.  i know i just need to focus my attention on how to move past the problem as quickly as possible and put it behind me, maybe writing it all out here helped clarify it at least for now.  But i need to remember when those feelings of neediness arise, to keep my head, not react stupidly and work through to a solution rather than playing the great escape game....

Disclaimer: Whining Below

Disclaimer:  Whining Warning!  i'm trying to not whine outloud anyway. Writing it here helps me get the whiney piece out of my system.  i am an "ab" afterall and if you know ab's that does seem to be a common personality trait.  If whiney isn't your thing, i'd prolly just ignore this post and move on.

i'm really struggling tonight, i think partially i'm just tired, work's just been rough and i have only seen my Sir once in the last 5 weeks and that was two weeks ago.  i've also spent almost every night for 3 weeks now doing work at home each night on my computer, and still have a lot of work looming that needs to get done "yesterday." (working on new systems and processes, which affect a lot of people, feeling overwhelmed and not very competent yet, which drives me crazy, the weight of responsibility weighs heavy at times.)  Skooter is at the ex'es and our "friendly" relationship has come to an end so not sure i'll even get my cat back again.  Trying to fight the loneliness, spending too much time in chat.  i have an assignment from my Sir but it's hard to put my heart into that right now, i feel so needy myself, and the task He's given me is hard because it requires a lot of confidence...confidence i'm not sure i have right now.  Holidays are looming, but i am hopeful they will be better with Sir in my life.  Just a rough couple of weeks...i think i just need some time to sit at Sir's feet and feel His control...be able to let go of some of this "stuff" even if just for 24 hours. 

ugh...

Uhoh Daddy

Disclaimer:  ab and diaper related posting...

So, i've always had simple tastes in diapers.  Oh, i've tried them all from the most coveted to the most shunned versions of the adult diaper.  i've had my favorites, and ones i wish i'd never tried. 

In the beginning i was addicted to goodnites, for a number of reasons, but as my diaper wearing progressed i happily switched my loyalty to Attends until they switched liners and every time i wore them i ended up with a itchy little diaper rash.  Then there were those purple molicares with terrible tapes, i also did a stint with cloth, but ultimately for the last 8+ years i've been loyal to Depends with their swelling gel and 3 tapes.  But then Depends did the "improve the product" thing and they lost my interest.  So... i finally gave in and purchased a package of Bambino's as well as a package of their New diapers.  Ab's and dl's alike have been singing the praises of these diapers since they first came out.  Not being a follower, i tried to find something that would take the place of Depends but just couldn't ignore the popularity of the Bambinos. 

Well, i am wearing a Bambino right now and i have to say, the tapes are excellent and the New diaper's tapes were as well when i wore one earlier tonight (oops Daddy, i wet my diaper) and, the prints are adorable and help to make diapering a special time. 

Looking forward to a 3 day weekend with hopefully a number of diaper changes for this aby. <3

ninite all
peace and respect,
jennie

Suddenly Right

So a conversation yesterday with my Sir made me think about the following...

Sometimes when someone has a bad experience they are not willing to go the distance again when in the same type of experience because they are afraid of a repeat.  In other words they aren't willing to give their all...because they don't want to get hurt or because prior experience has shown them it can be painful.

Instinct tells us to not touch the stove a second time if you don't want to get burned.

Sometimes people react the same way with emotions, for fear of getting burned again, they shut down, don't take risks, wrap themselves with a protective shield so that those things don't happen again.

As a slave, one gives an enormous part of themselves to the One who owns them.  When one gets burned, one might be less apt to want to give that away again. 

But, what i have discovered is...

While one might think it will be hard to give that away again, when you meet the right One, you quickly realize that it's not going to be so hard.  Infact, it's going to be even easier than it was before.  The reason being, as easy as it might have seemed in the past...suddenly you realize that this person you are with now has more to offer then you believed possible,  doesn't expect you to be someone you aren't, and is more deserving of your adoration, love and devotion, so how can it not be easier.   It becomes so hard to not want to throw yourself at His feet, to rush into His life head first. You find yourself wishing you could please Him at any cost.  Suddenly mistakes you make take on a whole new perspective, and disapointing Him is the worst thing you can imagine.  The first time you disapoint Him you realize that You never want to disapoint Him again, but you also know if you do, He is going to listen, explain and give you the opportunity to try again.  you live for His attention and praise  and you are elated when He uses the words "good girl".  To be His is the thing you live for...you long to serve Him every day, in every way...

you know that if one day He gets so angry and he leaves you in the middle of a snowbank in some far away place, and 20 of your closest friends each drive by and offer you a ride, you are going to turn them down, because you know in your heart He is coming back, and you can't give up...nothing will ever let you give up...

shame

In my life there are things i am ashamed of.  i imagine that most of us have a moment or two that brings about a sense of discomfort when they think about it.  Shame for me is a painful emotion that causes the worst types of disgust.

When i was about 8 or 9, no older than 10, i had a pet rabbit.  It was my responsiblity, i fed it, watered it and begged my parents to let me bring it inside in the winter instead of leaving it in it's wire hutch under the cherry tree.  She froze to death, and for years, well into my adult life i felt such shame and pain for having allowed my pet to suffer so...I was probably 40 before it clicked with me one day that no 8 or 10 year old is truely responsible for a pet, only under their parents watchful eye is a child that young given the total responsibility for any creature.  It was my parents decision to not bring that rabbit into a more sheltered area, their responsiblity to see that the conditions that rabbit was living in were safe for it and while i'd lived with the guilt all my life, my parents were the responsible persons for that rabbit.

The lesson that darn rabbit taught me was to have compassion and care for other living things.  i've always been very passionate and committed in what i believe to be ethical.  When i believe in something i will stand up and say so.  i don't let others impact my beliefs or convictions and am very likely to become the voice for the underdog, or those who won't or can't speak for themselves.

Also, since i reached my teens, i developed a self policy to not feel regret over choices i've made.  This means, i'd better think through my actions and know the consequences because i won't endulge in feeling regret over choices i've made...life is too short to live with regrets.

That being said, i do have a couple regrets in my life, one that happened over time and i'd change if i could, but my choices in life have left it a near impossibility and i wouldn't change my life much if given the choice.  The other regrets cause me great shame.  They are choices i made as an adult and though influenced by strong factors, i should never have allowed them to happen and i regret deeply that i did.

Today i told my Sir about those things that i am ashamed of.  i've never told anyone else about these things or even expressed my discomfort surrounding them.  Yet, i shared them today with someone who i want more than anything to want and desire me. 

This almost seems a little crazy, actually more than a little crazy.  Why would i tell this person i admire, something about myself that makes me look so bad? 
i don't know...except it came up, He asked and i told...so honesty is one reason i guess, and trust...trust and the belief that He knows who i am and what i would typically be capable of, and can recognize that the situation surrounding it was not typical.

What a week it's been!

Work has been so chaotic and frantic, learning a new program, working with two different data bases, tech support, syncing data, training people to use the program in just a couple of days, then entering the data frantically...it was supposed to be done by Friday, but there was no way.  i've continued to enter data all weekend and know that a few people responsible for their own data still have another day of entry before they get done.  Then i still have to finalize it and figure out how to run a report.  It's been overwhelming and stressful but there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel finally.  my boss isn't happy but i've tried to tell her all along that her expectations were beyond doable.  So she'll have to either accept it or not ...

my Sir has had a stressed out week Himself and i've struggled to find the line of what can i deal with myself and what to take to Him.

Now my ex has flipped out on me about the cat we share custody of.  He sent an email about how his new girlfriend brought a cat into their house, how they are keeping it in a room all by itself where skooter will never come in contact with it (yea, right) and that nothing will change for skooter.  So my perspective on this is, as if skooter doesn't have enough stress to deal with being shuffled between us every two weeks, now he has to re-acclimate to another cat being in his other home every two weeks.  i think it's ridiculous to be so naive and think this won't impact him.  Skooter came to me this last visit with a sore bald area on his leg where he's been pulling fur from.  Of course the ex blames that on other things and won't recognize it as a symptom of the anxiety the cat is experiencing.  Anyway, the ex is furious, and i am as always fearful of him.  i don't know how i survived 6 years under his anger and rage...one thing i am determined to do is NOT engage with him when he is tantruming.  If he wants me to respond to him, he needs to show me the same respect as i show him.  He no longer has the right to engage me with such rage and speak to me in such a disrespectful manner.  The fact of the matter is, i could care less about anything involving he or his girlfriend or the other cat, Mr. Kitty, my only concern is my cat and his health and well being.  If he's happy, i'm happy...

My Sir on the other hand impresses me every day.  He is working so many hours to make up for His time away.  He has had more bad luck than anyone should have in the last month, on top of loosing His mom, but He still tries to meet everyone elses needs without sometimes having time for Himself.
His approach to everything is kind, caring and rather than blowing up, He explains things and discusses things, and even listens to my thoughts.  i just feel like He has such incredible communication skills, and those skills allow me to communicate to my best ability as well.  The only thing that is hard is the distance.  i want nothing more than to be there to help Him with the little things, making sure He's eatting right, making sure He has clean clothes, soothing His pains at night in the dark when it's time to sleep.  ...

So, why?

So i was a child of emotional neglect...blah, blah, blah...

This is the only explanation i have for my fetish and desire to be treated as a baby or beloved child.  Somewhere back in my childish mind i began to equate the love a child receives, with babys, diapers and infantile things.

When puberty hit, i was already endulging these desires with rocking myself, thumb sucking at bedtime, makeshift diapers and daydreaming of being a part of a large loving family, in which i was the youngest and only girl of many sibblings.  i had lengthy stories made up in my head. 
Also at this time, going through puberty, i made some interesting discoveries.  My first orgasm was while wearing a diaper and that was how a fetish was born.

In real life as i grew older, i often found myself in the "little sister" role in friendships, being watched over and cared for by  a group of intelligent young men who always made sure i was safe and who pushed me to strive to reach higher.
In college i spent a lot of time in the home of a couple who worked for the University.  They had many books, one of them a text on abnomal sexuality.  i discovered a small little blurb about "Infantilism."  i discovered in that book exactly the name of my fetish as well as many other thoughts about sexuality, and i decided then, that while it might be a fetish, there was no reason to not have a healthy, happy sexual appetite and

Skip forward about 20 years.  Going through my divorce i discovered the ab/dl online community.  i finally got up the nerve to purchase actual adult diapers and soon found myself wearing a diaper every night to bed.  At first it was about the fetish, the sexual aspect, but eventually i had to evaluate why i was wearing so often and regularly and i realized, it was about something more. 

i currently wear much less regularly, but the desire usually comes up when life is at its most stressful.  The diaper wearing has also evolved into a desperation or embarrassment game.  i don't ever just purposefully wet my pants.  For me there has to be a more "real" element to it to make it "fun".  While the accident is just that, an accident, without control...The set up (not using the bathroom when it's available, waiting till the very last second. etc...) causes the desperation, and it's this inablity to control that is a turn on for me.

The sexual piece is of course still there but unless playing with a Big, most of the time when i have "accidents" or wear a diaper, i'm often just filling that need i have to feel comforted.  The mental impact of wearing a diaper has a calming effect on me.  It helps me feel regressed, it helps me to feel relaxed and safe.

i get that it's strange, that it's not for everyone...i think it's helped make me more tolerant of other people's choices and desires.

For anyone who doesn't understand, to be very clear, it's not a matter of dissociative identity disorder.  Though there are probably ab's who do struggle with this, for me, it's just a part of who i am.  i know when to it's appropriate to endulge in ab activity and when it's not.  i have some child like personality traits that are probably always apparent but i am also a responsible adult who functions successfully each day.

Busy Week

So this week is jam packed with work expectations, two major projects going on at the same time and deadlines coming fast.  i've not been this stressed at work in a very long time.  i keep thinking the pressure is going to lessen a bit, but then something else comes up and it just continues.  Besides my projects, i am worried that my people are overly stressed too.  i'm not giving them the kind of support i normally do because i'm running so thin myself.  Most of them are hanging in there, but i've been noticing how it's taking it's toll  on everyone.  i know that i'm going to have to "suck it up" and help bring us back to a more positive place.  
i also think i've experienced a bit of "sub drop," just being in my Sir's pressence for a short while, creates a sort of "high".  When He leaves then i think i am "dropping" a bit.  This whole long distance thing while i believe is worth it, is going to be a challenge. 

i have a few work things to do this weekend, and am hoping i can go to Sir's and work during the day while He is working and then enjoy spending the nights together.

Last weekend i was with my Sir, and He had expressed His concern of my "toppiness."  i have spent a bit of time thinking about it and proposed to Him a change in protocol expectations.  i think i needed a more strict protocol to follow, so instead of calling Him Daddy, i've switched over to Sir or Master.  i think this impacts my approach and focus, and will hopefully help me to be the type of slave He wishes me to be.  So far He says He is pleased with my more respectful approach.  Hopefully i'll be able to practice in person soon and He'll be even more pleased.

i do miss calling Him Daddy, but what is important is behaving as i am expected, which will please Him.  In pleasing Him, i'll be content and happy and then i'm sure the opportunity to be with Daddy again will come.  Besides, i'm who i am whether i am with Sir, Master or Daddy and as long as my Sir is pleased with who i am.......that's what matters.

So just rambling tonight...worked all day and night and needed a chance to unwind.  Now it's time for bed. 

Ninite and sweet dreams!