lil girl at heart

So i wrote my last post and went to bed, but here i am again....i desperately need sleep, i'm probably averaging 4 maybe 5 hours a night and it's taking it's toll.

my negative cd has been playing over and over in my head especially loud tonight...actually it's been going on and on since this morning during a meeting of the ed team.  i took a few hits, ones that i can't let go of, because it all stems from a stupid mistake i made last March that is still impacting the program. 

i'm sure no one enjoys making mistakes, but i tend to obsess over them.  my parents weren't big cheerleaders for me when i was a kid and so the cd that was instilled in my brain back then, tends to start playing again and it beats me up mentally over and over. 

During normal every day life i'm able to just overplay it with some nice relaxing mellow music and ignore it, but when stressed, the relaxing, mellow music goes away and i can hear that negative cd loud and clear, telling me how i'm just not as good as everyone else and i could never hope to be.

i'm not very good about sharing this type of thing with my regular everyday support systems, because it's all about feeling inadequate and any amount of kind words feels condescending and insincere to me during these moments.  And because it only makes me feel like i'm drawing attention to how incapable i am.

i really want my Sir's attention right now....

So, i'm kind of in a pickle.  i'm in love with a Dom who lives 2 hours away, who has a hectic and demanding life of His own and who has had one mishap after another as of late and who has just lost His mother who He loved tremendously.

The last thing i want to do is be a burden, (it seems like if it's not one thing it's another with me lately) infact, i'm not sure He can even do much to "fix" this, so why bring attention to my imperfections and put this in His lap too.  Yet, i'm feeling lost and in need of more control in my life right now.  That's just pretty hard to come by at the moment.  i'm torn, He hasn't really had much time for me either, and not because He's not caring or not making time, He works long hours and i do mean LONG hours, eats and sleeps...and calls me quickly whenever He can inbetween....

i don't know what to do.  Can i get by on my own without His attention?  Of course i can, i survive, i always do.  But, will it impact O/our relationship?  Will it get worse or better with me left to my own devices?  Does He really need to hear my troubles, so minor in comparison to His own? 

i really hate being so needy, especially on nights like this, yet it's who i am, it's sometimes a struggle to see which of my traits will win, the part of me that is a perfectionist and who is so controlling and so easily destroyed by any perception of failure, who can become that needy, whiney child, or, and this is who i generally root for, the laidback, healthy, well adjusted slave/woman who can balance it all with clarity and intelligence.

It's stupid and i am obsessing.  i know i just need to focus my attention on how to move past the problem as quickly as possible and put it behind me, maybe writing it all out here helped clarify it at least for now.  But i need to remember when those feelings of neediness arise, to keep my head, not react stupidly and work through to a solution rather than playing the great escape game....