So, why?

So i was a child of emotional neglect...blah, blah, blah...

This is the only explanation i have for my fetish and desire to be treated as a baby or beloved child.  Somewhere back in my childish mind i began to equate the love a child receives, with babys, diapers and infantile things.

When puberty hit, i was already endulging these desires with rocking myself, thumb sucking at bedtime, makeshift diapers and daydreaming of being a part of a large loving family, in which i was the youngest and only girl of many sibblings.  i had lengthy stories made up in my head. 
Also at this time, going through puberty, i made some interesting discoveries.  My first orgasm was while wearing a diaper and that was how a fetish was born.

In real life as i grew older, i often found myself in the "little sister" role in friendships, being watched over and cared for by  a group of intelligent young men who always made sure i was safe and who pushed me to strive to reach higher.
In college i spent a lot of time in the home of a couple who worked for the University.  They had many books, one of them a text on abnomal sexuality.  i discovered a small little blurb about "Infantilism."  i discovered in that book exactly the name of my fetish as well as many other thoughts about sexuality, and i decided then, that while it might be a fetish, there was no reason to not have a healthy, happy sexual appetite and

Skip forward about 20 years.  Going through my divorce i discovered the ab/dl online community.  i finally got up the nerve to purchase actual adult diapers and soon found myself wearing a diaper every night to bed.  At first it was about the fetish, the sexual aspect, but eventually i had to evaluate why i was wearing so often and regularly and i realized, it was about something more. 

i currently wear much less regularly, but the desire usually comes up when life is at its most stressful.  The diaper wearing has also evolved into a desperation or embarrassment game.  i don't ever just purposefully wet my pants.  For me there has to be a more "real" element to it to make it "fun".  While the accident is just that, an accident, without control...The set up (not using the bathroom when it's available, waiting till the very last second. etc...) causes the desperation, and it's this inablity to control that is a turn on for me.

The sexual piece is of course still there but unless playing with a Big, most of the time when i have "accidents" or wear a diaper, i'm often just filling that need i have to feel comforted.  The mental impact of wearing a diaper has a calming effect on me.  It helps me feel regressed, it helps me to feel relaxed and safe.

i get that it's strange, that it's not for everyone...i think it's helped make me more tolerant of other people's choices and desires.

For anyone who doesn't understand, to be very clear, it's not a matter of dissociative identity disorder.  Though there are probably ab's who do struggle with this, for me, it's just a part of who i am.  i know when to it's appropriate to endulge in ab activity and when it's not.  i have some child like personality traits that are probably always apparent but i am also a responsible adult who functions successfully each day.