So, i wrote on blog entry already tonight, and then i went to bed and started thinking about something. 

What i started thinking about was past relationships, mistakes and basically things to avoid.

One thing i want to avoid is developing "bad patterns".  What are "bad patterns" one might be asking? 

Bad patterns would be things that might happen repeatedly in a relationship that actually take away from the quality of that relationship.  An example of a bad pattern from one of my past relationships included me being manipulative with my ex husband.  He was so lazy about life and everything around him, i was often frustrated by his lack of contributing to the household, i eventually became manipulative and angry in our relationship.  Since the end of that marriage i promised myself i would never be in a relationship in which either of us felt the need to resort to any sort of manipulation. 

i guess my fear right now is that i always felt like i was a pain in the ass for my last Dom, i don't want to be a pain in my Sir's ass this time around.  i want it to be natural and easy, i want positive patterns this time around, and to not be the cause of stress or find myself in constant trouble.  i should be His "ease" and where He finds comfort, support and devotion, not His burden.

So anyway, my eyes are closing and it's even before midnight...i guess that's what happens when a girl is well used the night before...
but i had to get those thoughts written down.

ninite

Daddy's Back!

Daddy spoiled me and made breakfast for me today...yummy! 

Of course He treated me to a few other yummy experiences too!

Today W/we had a long talk about a few things.  i did a lot of listening, and while some of the listening was hard for me to do or hear, i couldn't help but think about what kind of Man has power over my life.

He's fair and smart and sensible and loving and careful and capable and i'm sure many many more things that i have yet to learn.  

Oh......and He looks really hot in that Kangol hat of His.

Now i need to make sure i please Him, because when i offered myself to Him that first day...i did so with the hope that this would be for a lifetime...and so far that desire has only grown in depth and emotion.

So today i come away with two things to focus my thoughts and efforts on.

1. Follow Daddy's rules of "engagement."

and

2. Remember that to hold Daddy's heart, it is the actions of a slave He desires, not the cocky humor of a "toppy" submissive.

So the rules of "engagement" will be easy and i'll follow these without struggle.

The protocol and attitude or actions that go with becoming more slave like are about breaking habit and making changes, this will be harder to accomplish but i don't think impossible.  It's not impossible because i know that Daddy expects it and i truly do have the desire to please Him.  (and i also know He'll work with me and help me.)  It begins with breaking down that wall that i started building at age 16 when i realized i had more to give to a man then he was able to recieve.  Living in the vanilla world, i learned to bury all i had to offer underneath humor and bravado. 

Since finding the lifestyle community i've fought this "toppy" behavior, recognizing my role as a submissive, yet no one has ever expected me to completely submit in attitude, so i've not taken up that challenge.  It's hard to let the walls down, to be vulnerable at all times, to let go of this one last defense against being completely owned.

Yet.....isn't being completely owned what i truely want?

answer....

Yes it is.

Daddy Is On His Way

So Daddy has been delayed in getting home.  He's been gone three weeks but it seems like much longer.  On top of travel to another country and the loss of His mother, He's been sick and dealt with huge travel issues.  Now tonight He is finally going to make it here to me.  Though i'm still a little worried with all that's gone on that something might prevent Him from getting here.  His phone battery sucks so right now i am waiting and assuming that He's either on His way or still stuck in Atlanta at the airport.  He told me this morning that He would see me tonight though so i'm banking on it.

i've actually been feeling icky all afternoon.  i've gone back to straight vegetarian and i think my body is still adjusting.  i slept part of the time and feel better, but mostly i just want to slip into my jammies and snuggle up next to Daddy, diaper on and paci in and a good movie to help pass the night.

When Daddy finally gets here W/we'll see what He wants to do, i'll just be happy to be with Him.

i've missed You Daddy!

Yea!  Daddy is almost home!!!!

i missed You so much Daddy and am so glad i'm going to see You soon!

That Four Letter Word "Work"

Disclaimer:  i apologize to anyone comes to this blog for lifestyle related stuff, tonight i just needed to vent about daily work stress! 

Work has been tough lately.  Everything seems to be a challenge.  No one is having an easy year.  Two weeks ago i spent time with mid management staff and their stress level was such that people who normally are laid back and low key were bickering and clashing with people they have always worked well with for years.  Much of the stress comes from being short staffed in classrooms and everyone trying to cover and ease the burdens of those on the frontlines. 

Working with families and children who are experiencing extreme poverty pulls on your heart strings every day, and some days you deal so intimately with the hurts and pains of others that it makes it hard to let it go when you head home at night.  Those are the things each of these people i am responsible for are dealing with.  On top of the fact that there is never enough money to keep centers up, not enough staff to fill each open position, and everyone is being held accountable for every move they make...

At a management level, each day the demands and duties seem to increase, whether it's imposed by federal, state, program or just self identified, the responsibilities and expectations grow.  Once a high quality program, innovative and considered leaders in our state, it feels like we are at this moment in time struggling to stay afloat.  i know that other agencies are feeling the same pressures and challenges that we are, but sometimes i think instead of taking more and more on, we need to focus on what we have and spend more time, effort and what money there is on improving that.  Over the years each time a member of management has left, our director saves money and asks all of us to absorb those duties into our current ones.  Or we get funding to do a new (huge) project and while the grant includes money to hire more management, we absorb those duties and no new persons are hired.  Yet we never have any money.

What happens is it results in people being spread too thin to do their job well.  Right now no one but the director is resonsible for dealing with landlords and facility issues.  This is ridiculous in that she has absolutely NO time to deal with things of this sort, and without her backing, there is nothing the rest of any of us can do.  i can go to a landlord and ask for something to be done, but there are no teeth in the request.  Without the director to say, unless something's done we will be finding a new location, landlords are quite content to let carpets become frayed and worn, ceiling tiles needing replaced due to roofs leaking have been replaced with slightly less used unsightly tiles, faucets with a steady streams leaking 24 hours a day, broken windows in other rooms of the building left unfixed.  It's just ridiculous, and it leaves those of us who want to have a good program, and want to build on services, dealing constantly with those types of piddly things that take all of our time, energy and spirit.  It's very hard to not become frustrated, angry and often just non caring.

i've worked for this program for going on 19 years.  i love the people i work with, their hearts and passion and devotion, but there comes a time when you don't want to keep hitting your head against the wall any more, or you hate the feeling that you're competing with your team member when there's a little extra money and you both want/need to support your own service areas specific needs. 

my heart hurt this morning when my boss said at a meeting, "we need to make  fill in the blank    a priority"...my god, that's what we do every day or we would never keep working there!  That's what i and others were doing last week while she and several others were away at a training, struggling to support staff who are well aware that because of her absence; new staff can't start, jobs needing advertised are left unadvertised, and we are all left working over, taking up the slack while she is gone....Every day each of us feels the pain and frustration of not being able to meet the needs of children, families and staff... i so wanted to just  say "f*ck you for insulting the rest of us like that!  Everyone at this table has just as much heart for our jobs as you and to insinuate that any one of us is giving less than you is an insult and a slap in the face!"  What kind of leadership is that?  Who does that to the people one is supposed to be inspiring and leading?

Obviously i need to do some major breathing and attitude changing.  i keep coming home with this every night and i dread the next day so much that i can't sleep...

If W/we were together, the things i'd say...

Right now Daddy and i are so far apart.  During the day so many things i want to ask Daddy or tell Him, and right now O/our conversations are so limited.  Often the time W/we get to talk i forget about what i wanted or needed to ask.  i miss Him so much right now but i am being a good girl, patient and hopefully supportive.  i hope i offer Him comfort and support.

If my Daddy were able to hear me right now though, here are the things i'd say...

• i miss You Daddy, and i can't wait to begin O/our life together on a more daily basis.
• i hope You know how much i think of You each day and how much i want to please You.
• Last Friday i saw the most beautiful sunrise and i wished W/we'd been together to enjoy it.
• Work's been hard the last couple weeks Daddy, i wish some days i could just feel Your arms around me.
• Skooter left last Tuesday, it's been one week and i have one week to wait before i get Him back...i miss Him, it's lonely without either of You.
• i feel selfish when i want You on the phone every night, especially now that You are sick.  You need Your sleep and it's not good for You staying up all hours of the night to call me, but Your calls do mean so much to me.
• Today was our 2 month anniversary...and i wanted to tell You on the phone tonight but i kept forgetting each time we talked.
• This Saturday is my graduation day. 
• i think i've found a new technique in looking what i'm supposed to be looking for.
• i have to go to the store tomorrow night and pick up a few things.
• i've been saving dryerlint for O/our next camping trip :o)
• i miss not being able to text You for permission...
• Sometimes i wonder how two people could be so on the same page...
• i hope i will always please You.
• Last night a submissive in chat said they needed a man to take care of them...i responded with, i don't "need" a man to take care of me...i need a Man who i can smother with my devotion.  Every day i think about how You are that Man and how i hope You will always be that Man, and how i feel so fortunate that You've found me...
• i'm tired Daddy, will You diaper me and tuck me in?
• i think i will sleep better when W/we are together...
• i can't wait for a time when W/we can have a true scene...one that lasts for a while...one that makes U/us both say "ahhhh"
• i long to feel Your chain on me, Your collar around my neck, Your hands restraining me....

So many things to say...so much left unsaid....soon....

Sad Face

Daddy is still half a world away, in Denmark.  W/we talk at least once a day on Skype, but it's not quite the same as when He's only a couple of hours away.  i miss Him a whole lot.  Tonight He called and He sounds terrible.  He has a cold or something nasty and He couldn't sleep.  That He calls me to ease His discomfort fills me with a special kind of devotion. 

Tonight though Daddy asked some questions, catching up on normal things that have been going on, and one of those things involved something He'd told me to do regarding facebook.  i have been struggling with it, and He was very aware that i was struggling.  He gave me opportunity a second time to address  it after having made the original decision, but i chose to still not express my concerns about it.  So tonight He asked me directly if i'd been doing what He told me to do...and i admitted that i had broke His rule right at the beginning when the rule was first made, right after He left for Denmark, and had been avoiding it ever since.

Tonight with all He's been going through is not good timing to deal with an issue, i felt terrible when He told me i'd hurt His feelings.  One of the excuses i gave for not following thru went something like this ..."i don't like drawing attention to myself" and that by doing what He told me to do would cause people to ask questions,  and that would make me uncomfortable.  To this Daddy said, "i" don't really have the option to think that way.  That as His slave, "i" is irrelevant.  Now, to someone not in the lifestyle, this might not sound plausable, however, to those of U/us in the lifestyle,  W/we know that it's how it's meant to be.  It is His decision, His call, His wants come before mine.  While He is willing to listen and consider my thoughts, He makes the decisions.  In this case, i didn't even bring my concerns to Him even when He gave me a second opportunity to do so.

The second excuse i gave was my fear that using the phrase that He'd told me to use, would possibly alert anyone who reads my profile, including work acquaintances, who might be aware of lifestyle things, that i was using lifestyle terminolgy.  That piece was what i'd been struggling with, i still hadn't made up my mind where i stood on it, and because of my own unsuredness, i'd not brought it up with Him yet.....At this, He had an angry response.  It was the first time i felt Him really frustrated, always before He'd been patient and willing to explain, but this caused Him to have an instant response.  At first He reacted, and told me to remove all traces of Him from my facebook page.  That hurt me, and i started to cry. 

Before i explain what the facebook thing means to me, and how that made me feel though, the amazing thing that occurred was He kept going quiet, taking time to think things through.  So despite His immediate reaction to the situation, He finally ended by saying, "basically, you have two choices, remove Him and anything regarding Him, or make it right, and no matter what, don't think of this as having failed Him."  It was hard to end that call, with Him so far away, He asked if there was anything else before W/we hung up, to which i said no...because how can you get back to where the conversation started after all of that...but now i wish i'd told Him i love Him...

i know that no relationship can stay untouched by conflict, but it hurts so much to cause anyone pain after what my Master has just gone through.  my job right now is to ease His pain, not bring Him more :-(  He said He would call and tuck me in, but i'm afraid that He'll prolly fell back to sleep (which He desperately needs) and now i won't talk to Him again until tomorrow night.  Ugh....

So anyway, back to explaining the facebook thing.  What Daddy might or might not realize, is how lonely and lost i've felt most of my life.  My parents were older and tired and not ready to raise another child by the time i showed up.  My sibblings, two brothers, were long gone by the time i was old enough to notice.  i was very shy as a kid, and while i always had good friends, the time spent with family was often difficult.  My brothers had spouses and children and lives of their own, and while my sister inlaw would stick up for me at family dinners when my dad would inevitably verbally attacked me, i just always felt like the odd person out.  Part of my submissiveness comes out of this i think.  The desire to be with someone who i could belong to...someone i could care for and give to...and who would be on my side.....It's hard to really explain, but having someone to face my family with gave me the courage and strength to deal with all the craziness. 

So what does facebook have to do with that?  It's silly i know, but being able to acknowledge that He exists in my life, through facebook, (which is where i communicate with everyone i care about.) helps me feel like i'm not facing everything alone anymore.  Because Daddy has such a disgust for facebook (not from this experience, but prior opinions before He met me.) i am wondering if i should just let my facebook page go...not delete, because the work page is connected to my personal page, but maybe i should just let facebook go for me on a personal level.  i don't want it to be any more of an issue, first because anything that could jeapordise our success isn't something i want to deal with, He's way too important to me to hurt because of something that shouldn't be of any importance at all,  and second, because i know how tempted i am to post things about my relationship and life that He is a part of and since He feels so strongly about it, it feels like i'm tempting fate.

Just thoughts...and i'm still thinking...but if it does continue to be an issue...it's definitely not worth it...

Full of Realizations

So the last several days have been very difficult ones for Daddy.  His mother has passed away and He has had to fly to Denmark to be with His family and take care of all that needs taken care of, including saying goodbye to His mother. 

i feel so helpless, unable to do anything for Him.  i know He is with family and friends and they are taking care of Him, but i still long to be there for Him when i know He is hurting.

What He has told me of His mother makes me know that she was an awesome person. However, there is no surprise about that, because He is an awesome person.  For Him to be who He is, He was obviously influenced by people who gave Him much love and positive experiences.  i wish i could have met her...but, in a way, i believe i have found a piece of her legacy, and my life will be enriched because of her.

i miss Him.  Since we met, W/we've seen one another each week, even when it could only be for a short little bit of time, i've seen Him.  He has called me each day from Denmark, and we've talked.  i've listened and i've tried to be a tiny distraction.  i don't want Him to feel any pressure from me, He needs this time to be with His family without worries about His slave, but i can't wait for Him to come home.

So, now i'm prolly the one moving too fast, but i find myself in love with Him, and that love is the kind of love that has the capacity to deepen into the love of a lifetime.  When He calls me baby i feel so owned, when He calls me puppi (and yes i've noted that You do call me this occasionally) i feel treasured and when He reaches for my hand i want to never let go...

When i was loved in the past, it was always with a struggle, a struggle to hold on.  Even when the love should of been given unconditionally, or when that love was seemingly the most meaningful thing in my life, i had to fight constantly to keep it...it was a constant struggle to be something i wasn't.  i've never found myself on the same page with anyone as much as Daddy and i are.  i feel connected to Him, sometimes it's just the phone ringing when i pick it up to text Him, sometimes it's a thought that comes from out of the blue that i find He's also been contemplating, and mostly it's beliefs that W/we share about life, about the lifestyle, about love...

Tonight in the passion of the moment when He was describing experiences He is having in Denmark, He said maybe W/we should live there. my response was, i would go anywhere to be with Him.  i realized it was true.  Should i be at this point yet?  i don't know, am i ahead of Him?  i don't know...  What i do know?  i am willing to take the risks :-)

There was a point, i thought i'd never be happy again, never have this feeling in my heart again...i feel like i can breathe again...

Women

Tonight i find myself contemplating what i find attractive in a woman.  Actually more specifically, in the women i've been attracted to, turned on by, drawn to...what is it that caused me to catch my breath, to consciously say to myself, "no, no, you are looking for something else."

Years and years and years ago there was a Mommy, a Dominant woman who used to tell me bedtime stories in DPF.  Late in the evening when there were few people still online, when the only regular ab girls in the ab/dl lifestyles rooms were basically me and two other girls named Little Kimmy, and Baby Ayanna, i would read her words glassy eyed and yawning as she typed babyish tales that made me want to curl in her lap and fall asleep, safe and cozy.  She was never mine, but that she endulged me in such a parental way i think opened the door for what was to come.

Several years later my heart, along with the hearts of several others, was stolen by a Woman who i longed to meet in person, and who i only knew for too short a time before she was gone.  Strict Mommy Kate made  us laugh and cry and feel so special with her attention and sweet, funny nature.  So many times i virtually donned my minature leather jacket, mimicing Mommy as she roleplayed in the DPF room.  Privately we had many a conversation as women our age who shared so many commonalities are able.  Feeling her pain in those last days before she wasn't able to return online, and then finally, despite the peace i know that came to her when she passed, i cried at the loss of a very special presence in my life.  She was my first taste of D/s and bdsm, she awakened that in me.

Over the years there have only been a few special women who i've found myself attracted to. 

Growing up, i always wondered what it would be like to kiss my best friend, when we hit college she became such a sex kitten i couldn't help myself, i always wondered if she had the same thoughts.  But as i was prolly the most sexually repressed firecracker waiting to be lit, i of course never made any moves towards her. 

In most cases, the women i am attracted to tend to have a more "masculine" style.  i watched the "L Word" religiously for it's last two seasons and fell in lust totally with Shane.

There is a very masculine Daddi on fetlife who also makes me swoon a bit. 

Currently there is also a woman at work that i've been attracted to for a while and our relationship has become pretty flirtatious the last year or two, we've never taken it to the next step though we've flirted with the idea.  Fortunately one of us has always been too sober to allow for that to happen.  i've never considered any woman as seriously as i've considered her, however, the negative consequences of what  acting on those flirtations might bring about weigh heavily on my decision to not take it to the next step.

Busy Weekend

So the weekend was packed with so many things to blog about.  I don't even know where to begin.  Daddy and i talked of so many things.  One of the things i love about Him is how He makes me think.  i really miss Him after He leaves, yet there is also this sense of contentment that He leaves behind...i think it's a matter of knowing that it's finally time to relax and know that i've been found by the owner of my heart...it feels safe...

He will be there to take care of me and ensure that life will be good, if i give my all to Him...

W/we had a moment Saturday.  i messed something up, and then freaked out over His response.  i guess i was waiting for the worst to happen.  It didn't.  He took the time to show me that it's not about making life so impossible, it's about working together to ensure that things come together as they should.  If i didn't know i loved Him already, that incident would have told me that He was definitely so worth it.

He is so smart. i am amazed at times when He tells me things about His life.  One thing i am learning also is to not to doubt His knowledge and abilities.  i've lost more than a couple of times when it came to spelling or word definitions, and English isn't even His first language.

So two things i've come away from the weekend with are first - no more doubtful comments, even if it's just a habit to make comments about trust...  It's time to let it go.  No more teasing, no more disrespect, no more letting the past affect the present.
The other thing is how amazing W/we are together.  While the situations have not always been perfect for U/us, W/we still seem to always be "on the same page."  At one point Daddy said to me, it's like W/we've been together for 20 years.  It does feel that way.  When W/we set up camp it was easy and smooth, the same when W/we took it down. i'm sure there is room for improvement, but i think overall Daddy was as pleased as i was.

He's asked me to start keeping some thoughts about a specific assignment for O/our future in mind, and i'm doing this.  He talked about it being the next level in O/our relationship and i understand how this specific thing would be a symbolic gesture on my part and proof of His committment on His.  it is something i've always wanted, but it's also something i am not 100% sure i'm ready for, but then that could just be due to nervousness.  What i really want right now is to feel "settled" and not in limbo...i think W/we are moving that direction, but ultimately it's going to take some time.  i do know that it's an ongoing quest and something i should be aware of and aiming for.  I guess for me though right now the priority is finding a permanent place in Daddy's life, one that requires full service as His slave, one that allows me to meet His needs and expectations every day.  LOL...so i write these thoughts here, knowing Daddy, in His infinite wisdom will help me sort this out....The analogy i'd come up with at this point is....He and i are the cake batter...we're still in the mixing process, there is still the baking and cooling steps, and then....comes the frosting on top.  i kind of see the quest He's given me as the frosting on top.

And that was just a small portion of the time W/we spent together.  i think i have lots to write in my blog this week ;-)

jennie