Sad Face

Daddy is still half a world away, in Denmark.  W/we talk at least once a day on Skype, but it's not quite the same as when He's only a couple of hours away.  i miss Him a whole lot.  Tonight He called and He sounds terrible.  He has a cold or something nasty and He couldn't sleep.  That He calls me to ease His discomfort fills me with a special kind of devotion. 

Tonight though Daddy asked some questions, catching up on normal things that have been going on, and one of those things involved something He'd told me to do regarding facebook.  i have been struggling with it, and He was very aware that i was struggling.  He gave me opportunity a second time to address  it after having made the original decision, but i chose to still not express my concerns about it.  So tonight He asked me directly if i'd been doing what He told me to do...and i admitted that i had broke His rule right at the beginning when the rule was first made, right after He left for Denmark, and had been avoiding it ever since.

Tonight with all He's been going through is not good timing to deal with an issue, i felt terrible when He told me i'd hurt His feelings.  One of the excuses i gave for not following thru went something like this ..."i don't like drawing attention to myself" and that by doing what He told me to do would cause people to ask questions,  and that would make me uncomfortable.  To this Daddy said, "i" don't really have the option to think that way.  That as His slave, "i" is irrelevant.  Now, to someone not in the lifestyle, this might not sound plausable, however, to those of U/us in the lifestyle,  W/we know that it's how it's meant to be.  It is His decision, His call, His wants come before mine.  While He is willing to listen and consider my thoughts, He makes the decisions.  In this case, i didn't even bring my concerns to Him even when He gave me a second opportunity to do so.

The second excuse i gave was my fear that using the phrase that He'd told me to use, would possibly alert anyone who reads my profile, including work acquaintances, who might be aware of lifestyle things, that i was using lifestyle terminolgy.  That piece was what i'd been struggling with, i still hadn't made up my mind where i stood on it, and because of my own unsuredness, i'd not brought it up with Him yet.....At this, He had an angry response.  It was the first time i felt Him really frustrated, always before He'd been patient and willing to explain, but this caused Him to have an instant response.  At first He reacted, and told me to remove all traces of Him from my facebook page.  That hurt me, and i started to cry. 

Before i explain what the facebook thing means to me, and how that made me feel though, the amazing thing that occurred was He kept going quiet, taking time to think things through.  So despite His immediate reaction to the situation, He finally ended by saying, "basically, you have two choices, remove Him and anything regarding Him, or make it right, and no matter what, don't think of this as having failed Him."  It was hard to end that call, with Him so far away, He asked if there was anything else before W/we hung up, to which i said no...because how can you get back to where the conversation started after all of that...but now i wish i'd told Him i love Him...

i know that no relationship can stay untouched by conflict, but it hurts so much to cause anyone pain after what my Master has just gone through.  my job right now is to ease His pain, not bring Him more :-(  He said He would call and tuck me in, but i'm afraid that He'll prolly fell back to sleep (which He desperately needs) and now i won't talk to Him again until tomorrow night.  Ugh....

So anyway, back to explaining the facebook thing.  What Daddy might or might not realize, is how lonely and lost i've felt most of my life.  My parents were older and tired and not ready to raise another child by the time i showed up.  My sibblings, two brothers, were long gone by the time i was old enough to notice.  i was very shy as a kid, and while i always had good friends, the time spent with family was often difficult.  My brothers had spouses and children and lives of their own, and while my sister inlaw would stick up for me at family dinners when my dad would inevitably verbally attacked me, i just always felt like the odd person out.  Part of my submissiveness comes out of this i think.  The desire to be with someone who i could belong to...someone i could care for and give to...and who would be on my side.....It's hard to really explain, but having someone to face my family with gave me the courage and strength to deal with all the craziness. 

So what does facebook have to do with that?  It's silly i know, but being able to acknowledge that He exists in my life, through facebook, (which is where i communicate with everyone i care about.) helps me feel like i'm not facing everything alone anymore.  Because Daddy has such a disgust for facebook (not from this experience, but prior opinions before He met me.) i am wondering if i should just let my facebook page go...not delete, because the work page is connected to my personal page, but maybe i should just let facebook go for me on a personal level.  i don't want it to be any more of an issue, first because anything that could jeapordise our success isn't something i want to deal with, He's way too important to me to hurt because of something that shouldn't be of any importance at all,  and second, because i know how tempted i am to post things about my relationship and life that He is a part of and since He feels so strongly about it, it feels like i'm tempting fate.

Just thoughts...and i'm still thinking...but if it does continue to be an issue...it's definitely not worth it...