Permission

Today while i was with my Sir a conversation came up regarding spending money and seeking permission before making a purchase.  As He and i have discussed, when W/we live together, if or when i wish to make a purchase, no matter what it is, i will need to have His permission.  This isn't a new concept for me, this was an expectation in my last relationship also.

So today i was wearing a new pair of shoes and my Sir complimented me on them.  O/one of U/us brought up the future and how He will have control over my shoe buying.  Somehow this led to Him making the statement that it's about time W/we reach that stage, that it's overdue.  Without much thought i responded that i dreaded that.  He was surpised that i would dread it.  (i love that He asked why i would dread it...rather than making assumptions or just accepting it at face value.) 

He later commented that He would think that i would want to ask permission, that as a slave, this would be something i desire rather than dread.  He really took me back, i got His reasoning, but i really had to sort out why i had responded that way and what exactly my feelings were.

After much thought i have a response. 

Yes, i crave having Him control my life that way, probably more than i fully realize.  i long for that control over my life, it brings a level of structure that i am incapable of accomplishing myself.  It challenges me and causes me to strive harder and push myself more, something that at times i definitely need.  I also gain a great sense of security from this type of control.  This level of control means i am important to Him, that O/our life together is something that He values and puts the effort towards what have together.  In return, by meeting His expectations i am putting my efforts towards pleasing Him and giving Him my trust and faith that He is capable of guiding U/us towards O/our best future.

i think He expected my response to be more about that deep down need to submit.  i wonder if maybe my submission comes from somewhere a little different than what He is used to.

i came to the bdsm lifestyle by way of ab/dl.  The ab/dl community has Bigs and littles, though the Bigs are not necessarily dominant, in some cases i would even question if the little isn't the more dominant one in the relationships i see.  There are a few people in the ab/dl community who cross over and it was because of those people that i began to explore bdsm and eventually the D/s dynamic.

i used to hang in a Gorean room and there people would talk about the "slave heart".  i never quite understood what this meant, but friends would say, "you will understand once you get a chance to serve."  This was true, i did discover my slave heart, but my slave heart seems to have a little different twist.  It comes from a lil place, a place that seeks acceptance and love, it has a need to be cherished and deemed worthy.  Having those needs filled causes me to worship and adore my Sir, and inspires me to do all in my power to please Him.  My ex used to always insist, "don't do it for Me, do it for U/us" but for me that's really not where i'm coming from...of course i wanted U/us to be successful, but what inspires me is giving and pleasing...i want to please the person i am with, my Sir deserves anything i can do to please Him, to bring Him joy and peace of mind, and to put Him above everyone and everything else.

What it comes down to is this, i am submissive by nature, but my slave-itude comes from the center of my heart, it's committment and love and devotion and it inspires me to give all of myself to my Sir. 

So, yes, i want that control, that structure, that expectation to request permission to buy a new pair of shoes...and i know that this time the Man i've given myself to will be reasonable and consistent and fear will be left outside O/our relationship.