i have to tell You, i haven't been very brave or open, i've been extremely passive, i've done my best to cover my feelings and hoped that the thing i feel i truely need would happen without my asking for it. Notice i said "the thing i feel i truely need" because i don't know that You would believe i need it or not. i do, however, believe in being open and upfront, and to keep this to myself has been very difficult, which partially explains all of this drama and emotional conflict i've been struggling with. So first off i would like to explain why i've done it.
Of course to begin everything, You need to know what it is that i've kept from You and hoped would happen .... i have this desperate need to be in Your home, to know that there isn't anything to hide. There's a lot of baggage and past history that makes this so important to me, but important it is, and as a slave, it honestly isn't bad practice.
So, there are several reasons i haven't spoken of it, though each time You brought it up, i felt relief that it was to happen.
- Your reaction to the time i said i was coming there after Your mother passed. i didn't want to push myself on You, and obviously at that time and while You lived in the hotel, You didn't want me there. i know You mentioned having me come there several times since then, but every time it seemed something or some reason came up to keep it from happening.
- The day You called me to say that You needed to go to DC and i sent You the inappropriate text... You responded with something like i wouldn't believe You no matter what You said, so You would just take a picture of You and Craig at the airport and say goodbye to me because i wasn't going to believe what You said. While my response to Your call wasn't supportive and was inappropriate, that response made me feel like if i questioned anything like to Your home, i would be challenging You, and i didn't want to come across like that again. And yes, i do understand the difference between that moment and just a conversation about it. And W/we did talk rationally after that and You didn't take that sort of action...You were angry...
- i think it was over that whole DC ordeal that i told You, i don't want to make demands of my Master or for Him to prove anything to me. i still don't want to do that.
- i posted in my blog several times things that kind of alluded to the importance to all of this, but i have no idea how often You read it, but one post refers to an experience i had when i insisted visiting a Dom i was seeing in my past in his home, and it ended our relationship.
- Finally most recently after You came back from the phone being down and You knew that i was upset and wanted to address some things (there were a number of things we did talk about after that, but i couldn't bring myself to discuss this topic because again i was fearful.) When You wouldn't talk that night and i so desperately wanted to, then You fell asleep, but had said W/we'd talk in the morning when You were fresh, i was fearful then that You already knew what i wanted to talk about and were going to say it was over at that point.
Yet, in the darkest shadows of my heart is the hurt that's been done and while i wish i could just pour it all out, the only way it's going to go away is with compassion, understanding and love. From those dark shadows come the whispers of doubt. It's really only one whisper...it tells me, i must see that You are hiding nothing...and there's only one way to do that...by seeing Your life, where You live...to be brought into Your life, not feel hidden and seperate...
Honestly, i am at a point right now that if You told me You were married, have 10 kids, work at McDonalds and live in a shack next to the railroad tracks, i'd still belong to You...of course that isn't my future...but the present wouldn't change...because i love You deeply. i need You intimately and i am devoted to You with all that i am right now.
It's taken a lot for me to write all of this down...the last thing i want is for You to think i'm crazy or too much for You to deal with. But this is the one thing i believe that is, and until it gets addressed, will, continue to stand between us. You said tonight, i submit to You controlling my car, my computer, yet not my activity on Saturday night. This is true, and to me...a car or computer, they are not important, if You don't pick the perfect car for me it's not permanent or forever, the same goes for the computer, it's just a monetary investment, plus i know You'll make wise and appropriate decisions.....but to be controlled in the things that make up my life, who and what i am, things that impact my life with friends, family or my career...these are huge, they help make up who i am....i can give You all of me...but to have control over those things which support me.....it's the ultimate. Of course what i do on Saturday night is small in the realm of it all....but because it touches on letting go completely emotionally....it's harder to do automatically and without thought....do i want to submit that control and power to You? Absolutely...i cannot wait to feel that deep submission... but to allow that ultimate level, there can be no doubt, no fear, no wonder....
i know that these are my issues, i believe in my heart that You are everything You've led me to believe....but as i've opened myself to You and given You my vulnerablity...i hope You feel You can give me the same...
i hope that You read my words, with as much respect as they were written. It is with great thought and effort that i strive to bring this to You in the most sincere and respectful manner i can. i hope with Your reading comes a better understanding of my fears. i trust that You will take it all into consideration and lead us down the best possible path to overcoming O/our obstacles and i will respect Your choices and decisions and continue to give You my best...
No comments:
Post a Comment